Good Children

This week is all about our favorite subject: food. We talk foods we love, foods we hate, our last meals, our most recent meals, and, randomly, imposter syndrome in your early 20s. Call in: (516) 366-0826 Get exclusive bonus episodes every Friday for $7 a month on Patreon!

Transcribed - Published: 24 July 2024

Get access to BONUS episodes every Friday on Patreon! This week let's talk about weed induced psychosis! The boys share their most unhinged weed stories including hallucinations, Snapchat stories, and an ill-fated first date to The Hamptons.

Transcribed - Published: 17 July 2024

BONUS episodes every week on Patreon! This week we're joined by TV and social media star, Boman Martinez-Reid AKA Bomanizer, whose new comedy docuseries, "Made For TV" premieres on Crave on Friday, July 12th. Boman takes us on mental tour of Canada, reveals intimate secrets about condiments, makes us jealous of his performing arts high school, and finally solves the Alessia Cara mystery.

Transcribed - Published: 10 July 2024

BONUS episodes every week on Patreon! Take off your shoes and grab the rumplemintz, this week we go back to college to learn more about Andrew’s acapella experience. From an stress-inducing audition process to a devastating hazing ritual, it takes a lot to be famous on campus. Plus, we revisit our fourth grade chorus solo, Andrew’s major choir disaster, and Joe’s deeply troubling history of cover videos.

Transcribed - Published: 3 July 2024

BONUS episodes every week on Patreon! Use code GOODCHILDREN at RocketRX.com for 20% off your first order! This week we sit down with drag superstar, makeup mogul, and queer icon: Kim Chi. From Cracker Barrel to coming out, we cover the bases.

Transcribed - Published: 26 June 2024

BONUS episodes every week on Patreon! It's Charli baby! Inspired by Charli xcx's Brat, this week we try something new: discussing our insecurities! Hang on tight because we get right down to the nitty gritty pretty quickly, but things turn around when we start discussing Andrew's soap habits. When ur in the mirror do u like what u see?! When ur in the mirror ur just looking at me!? We ask ourselves this and much more!

Transcribed - Published: 19 June 2024

*LIFE CHANGING EPISODE ALERT* Pack your bags, we're going on a road trip! Join us in the Catskills for a life changing 48 hours in nature. Be cheeky at a waterfall, experience arthritis in a Cracker Barrel, swat green flies on a playground, and talk about the possibility of life after death in the heart of the woods. BONUS episodes every week on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/goodchildrenpod If you have serious inquiries about places we can travel to for our next field trip, email us at [email protected].

Transcribed - Published: 12 June 2024

This week we take some hard-hitting phone calls from listeners about their LGBTQIA+ experiences. From nonbinary haircuts, surviving in a corporate workplace, Che Diaz, masc for mascs, all the way to a dog that might have the power to turn husbands gay. Plus: Andrew learns about Stonewall and the lip filler is finally addressed! BONUS episodes every week on Patreon! Head to FACTORMEALS.com/GOODCHILDREN50 and use code GOODCHILDREN50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month.

Transcribed - Published: 5 June 2024

The boys celebrate 100 episodes of Good Children by looking back at some standout moments from the past two years of lore, including: Kelly Clarkson, the Italy tip, faking synchronizations, Panera Girls, and more. Bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/goodchildrenpod

Transcribed - Published: 29 May 2024

The boys celebrate 100 episodes of Good Children by looking back at some standout moments from the past two years of lore, including: Kelly Clarkson, the Italy tip, faking synchronizations, Panera Girls, and more. Bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/goodchildrenpod

Transcribed - Published: 29 May 2024

This week we're joined by internet darling and comedic genius, Jake Shane! It's a wild ride full of GIRLS references, Taylor Swift rankings, paying for dating apps on your dad's credit card, coming out stories, and more! If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1. Try AG1 and get a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase at drinkAG1.com/GOODCHILDREN. Bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon!

Transcribed - Published: 22 May 2024

This week, after a 20-minute long intro in which the boys roleplay interviewing for jobs, Joe and Andrew discuss their relationship to touch. Later, Andrew makes a shocking revelation that could change the duo forever. Bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon!

Transcribed - Published: 15 May 2024

Get in the sprinter van and get your neon facepaint, we're celebrating birthdays this week. After a quick catchup about Andrew's 28th, a Joechella power hour, and an extensive discussion on Nikki Blonsky, travel back in time to prehistoric 2018 and 2019 as we unpack two of the most chaotic Bushwick nights we've ever had. For more, join the community on Patreon!

Transcribed - Published: 8 May 2024

Drag Icon Trixie Mattel joins Good Children for a conversation on dating, drag, and dreams.

Transcribed - Published: 1 May 2024

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! The boys discuss the summer going into 8th grade when they both signed up for football camp at Joe's future Catholic high school. After a day of trying their best to fit in, they uncover a dark secret about North Korea. Also: is it up to Good Children to save the Dippin' Dots Dynasty?

Transcribed - Published: 24 April 2024

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! Let's take it back to April: Through The Years. The boys discuss important April pop cultural anniversaries including movies like The Hannah Montana Movie and Ella Enchanted and music like Taylor Swift,

Transcribed - Published: 17 April 2024

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! This week join us on a retrospective through the hairy times of puberty and all that comes after it. from pube-plucking to eyebrow threading to back waxing. Plus, take a field trip with us to Alivio Wellness! If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1. Try AG1 and get a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase at drinkAG1.com/GOODCHILDREN. Head to FACTORMEALS.com/GOODCHILDREN50 and use code GOODCHILDREN50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next box!

Transcribed - Published: 10 April 2024

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! This week, the boys put on their professor hats and answer their own early-20s question: "Why Don't I Fit In With Gays?" Let's get deeply introspective about the plight of the newly-out gay man and all of the trauma, insecurities, and fears that go along with it.

Transcribed - Published: 3 April 2024

Get even more personal with us with bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! Prepare to have your bones chilled as Andrew tells what he believes is a fun and silly story about his study abroad experience in our favorite country: Australia.

Transcribed - Published: 27 March 2024

This week we let the listeners behind the microphones for a riveting Q&A running the mental and emotional gamut of the human experience. [Video will be returning to Spotify soon-- until then, all episodes are on YouTube!] ⁠Subscribe to Patreon for a bonus episode every single Friday!

Transcribed - Published: 20 March 2024

Subscribe to our Patreon for a new episode every single Friday! (This week we're taking you on an extended trip to the cafeteria)! Head to FACTORMEALS.com/GOODCHILDREN50 and use code GOODCHILDREN50 to get 50% off pre-prepared chef-crafted and dietician-approved meals delivered right to your door. Let's celebrate the rich cultural history of Ireland. From bagpipes to beer to Academy Award nominated actresses, and a chilling true story of Andrew's lessons in bagpipes this episode covers some of the most necessary facets of St. Patrick's Day. PLUS: learn to make a Shamrock Shake at home with us!

Transcribed - Published: 13 March 2024

Join us on Patreon for a new episode every week! Embrace the most embarrassing moments of your entire life with special guests and iconic sister duo Drew & Deison Afualo! From falling at your band concert to collapsing in front of kickline to Peeta Mellark drag to getting hit by a car, you are genuinely guaranteed to laugh out loud multiple times in this very special episode! Thank you so much to Spotify Studios for letting us shoot in your beautiful space!

Transcribed - Published: 6 March 2024

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! This week the boys bring it back to the basics with a manic conversation on extracurricular activities. Enjoy a trip back to high school and all the trauma that comes along with it: from lacrosse locker rooms to DECA meetings.

Transcribed - Published: 28 February 2024

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! Head to FACTORMEALS.com/GOODCHILDREN50 and use code GOODCHILDREN50 to get 50% off pre-prepared chef-crafted and dietician-approved meals delivered right to your door. This week the boys have their most important discussion yet: ranking (sugary sweet) breakfast cereals. Join them on a journey to the center of the Cheerio with twists at every corner: buffet horror stories, an edible at Anything Goes, and the death of Sea World.

Transcribed - Published: 21 February 2024

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! This week the boys take a trip down memory lane to their very recent respective quarter-life crises. Whether you're selling international travel during a pandemic or editing videos for supermodels, there's always time to turn a new page and start a new chapter. So pull up your salmon pants and dive deep into the Curio Shop of life with us!

Transcribed - Published: 14 February 2024

Join us on Patreon for a bonus episode every single Friday! Gear up for Valentine's Day with the only Valentines you need this year: your favorite podcast duo. This week, the boys discuss the season of love, curbing your dog, Carrabba's Italian Grill, and the deeply isolating experience of a queer childhood. PLUS: A walking tour of Massapequa Park and a chance to join Andrew on the worst Valentine's Day in history!

Transcribed - Published: 7 February 2024

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! Break out your burn books because this week the boys are taking you to Northshore High for a look back on all things Mean Girls (gender neutral). From the classic film that shaped American history to the movie musical that's shaping TikTok discourse to the random kids in high school that permanently shaped how we see ourselves, this episode runs the mean girl gamut.

Transcribed - Published: 31 January 2024

Bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! MYSTERIES! SECRETS! PHOTOSHOP! Sit down with Royal Hegyes for his first on-camera interview in ten years as the boys unpack what it means to truly reinvent themselves. Plus: return to Joe's 17th birthday party and hear directly from party guests as they give alibis and throw blame over who tossed several beer cans over the fence that host August night. ALSO: get answers on who rang our doorbell last Christmas.

Transcribed - Published: 24 January 2024

Even award-winning* podcasters make mistakes! There's no new episode this week but we can promise you the wait is worth it... a certain decade-long mystery is revealed in next week's episode (as well as a look back into the past as we discuss the artist formerly known as Royal). Until then, you can catch up with us on Patreon for a brand new bonus episode every single Friday!

Transcribed - Published: 16 January 2024

⁠BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY ON PATREON! Today's episode is NOT FOR OUR MOMS!!! Let's talk the myths and lore and facts and fiction about gay sex. Everything from douching in public bathrooms to shoving water bottles down our throats at the lunch table in high school.

Transcribed - Published: 10 January 2024

⁠BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY ON PATREON! Who would win The Hunger Games? Who would win a figure skating competition? Who would die in a Shakespearean drama? All these questions and more are addressed in our first truly miscellaneous episode.

Transcribed - Published: 3 January 2024

BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY ON PATREON! Well it's over. Let's discuss our favorite parts of the past year, the most popular resolutions, and some of our biggest regrets.

Transcribed - Published: 27 December 2023

Subscribe to Patreon ⁠⁠for a brand new bonus episode every Friday and access to our community chat! After an agonizing three weeks of terrifying our beautiful good children with prosthetics and beating any subject relating to Christmas to an absolute pulp, the boys go for one last ride as Cindy Lou Who and Mayor Augustus Maywho. On this episode, they discuss their favorite things from the past year and try relentlessly not to sound like they're doing sponcon. Does Andrew eat a chocolate bar a week? Are Stanley Cups conservative-coded? Is Joe hotter as a Who? (Don't answer that).

Transcribed - Published: 20 December 2023

Subscribe to Patreon ⁠⁠for a brand new bonus episode every Friday and access to our community chat! The boys try to stay on theme this week by talking about TLC original series, but start with Lifetime original Dance Moms and then just decide to start telling random stories, INCLUDING: Joe almost getting stabbed (again) in 7th grade, Andrew's personal trainer quitting on him (again) in 10th grade, the (not-so) secret romance between Elvis-loving nuns, and more.

Transcribed - Published: 14 December 2023

Subscribe to Patreon ⁠⁠for a brand new bonus episode every Friday and access to our community chat! JUMPSCARE! The boys are back for a very special episode of the podcast featuring YOU! After watching Andrew DIY his costume and a lively discussion about their own Santa Claus journey's let's take a few calls from our listeners on the Nice List this year about the moment their creepy little polar express bell stopped ringing. PLUS: A disastrous Wendy's experience, a special guest appearance by Amanda, and more.

Transcribed - Published: 14 December 2023

Subscribe to Patreon ⁠⁠for a brand new bonus episode every Friday and access to our community chat! The boys set the holiday season off on the right foot by discussing some of their favorite Christmas classics, with a special attention to detail on Home Alone. PLUS: A peak into the archive for a very special iJoe holiday special, a life-changing trip to Wendy's, and more.

Transcribed - Published: 14 December 2023

Join us on Patreon for a bonus video/audio episode every Friday! It's that time of year! Join Lorelai Gilmore and Sookie St. James for a retrospective on the controversial holiday of Thanksgiving. Whether you're a fan of the dog show, the Macy's parade, sp*rts, or just here for the food, you'll always have a seat at our table. PLUS: the BFB caller returns with an exciting update!

Transcribed - Published: 22 November 2023

Join us on Patreon for an extra video/audio episode every Friday! This week, the boys discuss the complicated and difficult reality of best friend breakups, including the years of their lives when they weren't exactly best friends themselves.

Transcribed - Published: 15 November 2023

The boys talk catered events and, more importantly, the food at those events. In their investigative journey they ask hardhitting questions like: Who do you think invented the fried Oreo? Why can't Andrew pee at a urinal? Why are funnel cakes so hard to eat? Why are weddings $200,000? Is James Charles OK? ⁠Subscribe to Patreon ⁠for a brand new bonus episode every Friday and access to our community chat!

Transcribed - Published: 8 November 2023

The boys discuss the perils of modern dating, the terrors of dating in high school, the insanity of Andrew's type, the horrors of Joe breaking up with his high school girlfriend, the deep brokenness inside us all that shouts mercilessly into the void "YOU ARE NOT WORTH OF LOVE!!!!" and more!

Transcribed - Published: 1 November 2023

Time for even more Halloween antics with a heavy dose of Four Loko. Reflect on the wonders of the Jersey Shore years, Andrew's too-good-to-be-true party story, a hypothetical home invasion, and more!

Transcribed - Published: 25 October 2023

Let's celebrate Halloween with a spooky episode where we reflect on some of our favorite Halloween memories, audition for roles in the next live action Peter Pan, discuss SMEG appliances, dressing up for school, and immerse ourselves in a deeply theatrical game of FMK.

Transcribed - Published: 18 October 2023

Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠⁠⁠⁠fill out this survey link⁠⁠⁠⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon! ⁠⁠⁠⁠Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday! Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)! ----- Christian Girl Autumn is officially in full swing and these two gabby queens have a lot to say about the subject. Celebrate the bountiful fruits of the autumnal harvest with hosts Joe Hegyes and Andrew Muscarella as they explore the deeper meaning of the season, how they practice self-care, and challenge one another to take a leaf of faith towards achieving their dreams.

Transcribed - Published: 11 October 2023

Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠⁠⁠fill out this survey link⁠⁠⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon! ⁠⁠⁠Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday! Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)! ----- Christian Girl Autumn is officially in full swing and these two gabby queens have a lot to say about the subject. Celebrate the bountiful fruits of the autumnal harvest with hosts Joe Hegyes and Andrew Muscarella as they explore the deeper meaning of the season, how they practice self-care, and challenge one another to take a leaf of faith towards achieving their dreams.

Transcribed - Published: 11 October 2023

Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠⁠fill out this survey link⁠⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon! ⁠⁠Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday! Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)! ----- We're back to the basics this week with a deep dive into the archive! Watch in horror and glee as Andrew and Joe discover never before seen footage of their 11-year-old selves. But fret not, audio-only listeners (Billy Bob Joe), lay back, and feast as this audio guides you through new and exciting conversations about Littlest Pet Shops, potato salads at backyard barbecues, and the power of friendship!

Transcribed - Published: 4 October 2023

Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠fill out this survey link⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon! ⁠Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday! Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)! ----- We're back to the basics this week with a deep dive into the archive! Watch in horror and glee as Andrew and Joe discover never before seen footage of their 11-year-old selves. But fret not, audio-only listeners (Billy Bob Joe), lay back, and feast as this audio guides you through new and exciting conversations about Littlest Pet Shops, potato salads at backyard barbecues, and the power of friendship!

Transcribed - Published: 4 October 2023

⁠⁠⁠Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠fill out this survey link⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon! ⁠Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday! Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)! This week the boys discuss the psychological ramifications of driving a car, including stories about Andrew driving Joe to meet his internet boyfriend in the middle of a pandemic, an incident involving french onion dip we’ll never forget, and a brief history of lines.

Transcribed - Published: 27 September 2023

⁠⁠Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: fill out this survey link. We’ll circle back with details soon! Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday! Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)! This week the boys discuss the psychological ramifications of driving a car, including stories about Andrew driving Joe to meet his internet boyfriend in the middle of a pandemic, an incident involving french onion dip we’ll never forget, and a brief history of lines.

Transcribed - Published: 27 September 2023

⁠⁠Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday! Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)! Learn all about our extensive work history, dream blunt rotation, toxic ex-friends, icks for each other, how to manage your anxiety, and more in this Patron-submitted Q&A!

Transcribed - Published: 20 September 2023

Learn all about our extensive work history, dream blunt rotation, toxic ex-friends, icks for each other, how to manage your anxiety, and more in this Patron-submitted Q&A!

Transcribed - Published: 20 September 2023