The Story Must Be Told

I win I win i wiiin i winn I Win I WIN I WIN IWIN I WIN IWIN iwn inw iwin i win I WIIIIN i wiiiiiiiin iwiniwiniwinIWIN IWIN i WIN I WIN! I win? I win! Iiiii win. I win I win iwiniwin I WINNNNNNNnnnnnnn. I WIN! DEAD BIRD SONGS BOOK NOW ON SALE: shop.ingramspark.com/b/084?params=3x1dIavFAbPHIFodVbJsHbykOAJBIeTLWrFFCdWc2HM DEAD BIRD SONGS AUDIOBOOK: http://Patreon.com/reidfaylor TSMBT PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt TSMBT MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 14 April 2026

Who’s short and spherical with a jaunty hat? Beau Basco! Who sees every clue with a lazy eye? Beau Basco! And who is facing the biggest who-dun-it of their career? Uhhhhh BEAU F. BASCO. The F stands for “Fuck.” NTWICS Vol 1: https://open.spotify.com/album/4Oithuobv9nJKIrXAyd2FX?si=Pq1urioWQkW1Jt9tl2iUJQ DEAD BIRD SONGS: https://www.patreon.com/collection/385604 PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 11 February 2025

The bell is ringing, children! Come inside, children. Hear about our new album: Now That’s What I Call Story - Volume One, children. We talk with Liturgical Director Carl about his musical deeds, children. Plus, children, there is a long-awaited Q&A! Hear us drop the veil and plant Truths in your heart, children. Children! NTWICS Vol 1: https://open.spotify.com/album/4Oithuobv9nJKIrXAyd2FX?si=Pq1urioWQkW1Jt9tl2iUJQ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt GOODNIGHT MY LOVE BOOK: a.co/d/bFlMta2

Transcribed - Published: 20 November 2024

Gums of pink, are gonna stink / Gums of red, are fonts of dread. Teeth are unwelcome in our parish! Yet, hygiene is a virtue. Ohh, we’re complicated—no easy answers in the Story! You must yeeeearn. Invocation The Washing of Chalms Liturgical Reading: “The Swollen Mouth of Family” Concluding Prayer Grease unto thee. Be sure to check out the newest video on youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

Transcribed - Published: 10 August 2024

Let the Story reduce you to flesh mulch! Let the Story compress you and your every neighbor into a lovehogpile. Let go and let STORY. We’re back, BABY, ohhhhhh for a just widdle bit of Story truuuuuth. Get ready for the highest concentration of annoying names any Story has ever held! Uh oh! DEAD BIRD SONGS: https://www.patreon.com/reidfaylor PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt GOODNIGHT MY LOVE BOOK: a.co/d/bFlMta2

Transcribed - Published: 1 August 2024

Oooh, children, gather around for Vacation Story School. While the clerg' takes a breather, they gather to discuss and share the first chapter of Brother Reid (Reid Faylor's) audiobook novel: Dead Bird Songs. If you wanna skip right to the juicy audiobook chapter, go to 22:29, otherwise enjoy our chat about writing, editing, and peeing in pockets. Subscribe to Reid's novel at www.patreon.com/reidfaylor

Transcribed - Published: 4 April 2024

We've got some BIG NEWS for all of you congregants courtesy of Brother Reid and Pastor Andrew, so if you're curious as to what's happening with TSMBT, it might be best to tune in now! We love and cherish each of you and remember - THE STORY WILL BE TOLD! ACTION BOYS: https://youtu.be/2DkqRs5TZhU PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt GOODNIGHT MY LOVE BOOK: https://a.co/d/gNjHAOM

Transcribed - Published: 1 March 2024

Two outcasts are excluded even from apocalypse and must navigate a changed world. If there is truth to be found it is in each other. Return to where your Story began so it may now end. Guest Preachers: Betsy Winchester (TSMBT short film The Dog The Boy; VO artist betsywinchester.com IG: @betsywindy; formerly of Murderfist) Steve O’Brien (TSMBT short film The Dog The Boy, Xmas Futures short films christmasfutures.com) Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 and LPN Deep Dives ACOTAR podcasts, IG @jackthatworm) Announcements Velvet: THE LEAST OF CHIMPS Devon: THE AWAKENING Velvet: FLESH PILES Devon: FATHER Velvet: THE HIDING MAN Devon: ALONE PARADISE RISING EPILOGUE That’s it! For THIS SEASON. Some bonus episodes coming while you wait for season 2, plus MORE: a novella (already out!), a novel, and an album. See you soon! PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com GOODNIGHT MY LOVE BOOK NOW ON SALE: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/book/1144436977

Transcribed - Published: 18 December 2023

A child suffers mute the unutterable horrors of our past. Every step forward is a descent. Trust no family or institution that worships the god of your destruction. Guest Preacher: Betsy Winchester (TSMBT short film The Dog The Boy; current VO artist betsywinchester.com IG: @betsywindy; formerly of Murderfist and Skulk, The Hulking) Featuring: Marcus Parks, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Jackie Zebrowski Curtain Call Liturgical Reading: “Day for Night” The Chalmsening One episode left before our break to switch into seasons! The last one will be a gosh darn doooooozy PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

Transcribed - Published: 8 September 2023

I’m a BIG SHOT at my job. I belong to an ELITE group of people who make work their ENTIRE identity. My testicles are made out of BRASS and I have NO outside relationships. What IS my job? Oh, I torture a big fucking worm. If I don’t do it someone else will! Featuring: Holden McNeely as the Taurus Salesman, Priest Ed Larson as Announcer, Man in Coat Jackie Zebrowski as Tomsha Mounting Cro-Crotoa The Story Must Be Told Clip Show Liturgical Reading: “The Fool and the Worm” The Price of Killing Chalms Two more episodes left before our break to switch into seasons. We’re hard at work on the new format and KNOW you’ll love us EVEN MORE. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

Transcribed - Published: 9 August 2023

YUCK. GROSS. I don’t care how we’re related, family member! You aren’t family no more after what you did nuh UH. You’re what my family calls a hot sloppy “turd,” and I’m gonna scrape you off my boot. How did you become such a humble bootscraping? Uh, through CHANGES, bucko. Featuring: John Moreno as Dr. Greene Betsy Winchester-Parks as Katherine and the Lawyer Andrew Yackira as Doug and Mark Sailor Talk The Nature of Cro-Crotoa Liturgical Reading: “Changing. Do You See?” Parting Words Tune back in two weeks from now for the antipenultimate episode of the season! PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

Transcribed - Published: 12 July 2023

Some islands are SCARY—like Nantucket. Other islands will steal your very essence, halve it, and merge it with other unwitting victims—like Nantucket. THIS island? Shhhhh it’s a seeeecccreeeeettttt. Guest Author: Katherine Monasterio (author of The Age of Windpower) The Winners of the Big Surf Competition Are… The Switch Liturgical Reading: “Beneath the Compass Rose” The Return of a Familiar Face An Announcement Changes are coming! And a new Story TOO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

Transcribed - Published: 14 June 2023

Oh bother, I’m a silly old bear. It’d be a SHAME if I were to MEET MY DEMISE. I hope nothing bad happens to me and my ragtag group of interspecies friends! Nothing that could stop us from loving that BOY. Oh bother! Confronting Chalms Chalms’ truth: “The Many Adventures of Chalmstopher Robin” The Public Domain A Prophecy Bags Packed Gosh oh golly what’s gonna happen next? I don’t even know! T-t-tune in NEXT TIME I’ll be different. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

Transcribed - Published: 9 May 2023

Your father is watching you, and he’s SHAKING his HEAD. What did you do to deserve such a practical assessment? Did you follow your dreams? Probably! Nothing cheeses a dad like the passion of progeny. Guest Chaplain: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 and LPN Deep Dives ACOTAR podcasts, @jackthatworm on Instagram) Guest Author: Libbie Grant (Future Saint of a New Era podcast) Invocation Pastor Andrew’s Changes Liturgical Reading: “God’s Hotel” The Extent of Chalms If I could, I would pick you up and carry you to two weeks from now, so you could bask in a new, Chalmserific episode. Instead: you must WAIT. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts

Transcribed - Published: 25 April 2023

WOOOOSH! Kaboom! “I gotta fly this big bird REALLY fast!” Wow, aren’t airplanes neat? Gosh, what CAN’T the military-industrial complex do? If there’s anything, I don’t wanna know. Fly a jet into my eye and pop it out my heart, so I die filled with AIRPLANE. Inside Devon’s coma Liturgical Reading: “Cardinal Ed in Top Gunners: Mad Rich” A prophecy PROFOUND We return two weeks from now with a Story for your eager ears to gulp up like a hot hot soup. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts

Transcribed - Published: 12 April 2023

Look! A shooting star! Close your eyes and make a wish. Are you doing it? Good … good. What’s that? It feels like someone is stealing your wallet? Shh shh, that’s just the wish doing its thiiing. Hush, child, and next time: remember to carry CASH, baybeeeee. Wishes from Congregants Brother Reid’s Wish: “Truthy Truthy” More Wishes for Cheddar-Tossin ‘Grants Pastor Andrew’s Wish: “Bigger” WAGE-A-WISH HERO OF THE CENTURY: Erica! Devon’s “Wish”: “United States of Wishing” Concluding Remarks In two weeks a familiar friend will return to WOW us with some high octane Story deeds. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

Transcribed - Published: 28 March 2023

It’s always the BOY! The BOY the BOY the BOY! Behind the curtain? The BOY! Under the floor? The BOY! Hiding inside your mouth, yanking on your tongue and poking your tonsils? THE BOY. The only thing better than HIM is a free trial of the new, very real TSMBT Silver Streaming+! It’s the future of content! Featuring: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left) as THE BOY Ed Larson (Brighter Side) as interviewer and paramedic 911 Call Liturgical Reading: The Boy: Omega Rising - A TSMBT Silver Streaming+ Free Trial! The Departure of the Paramedics Tune in a couple weeks from now for a new Are You Afraid of the Story! PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

Transcribed - Published: 11 March 2023

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx In this, the 6th and final part of Goodnight My Love, we finally say Goodnight … but to WHOM? My Love? Be honest: why are you even reading the episode description? Huh, Chester? You KNOW what the deal is. Just honk on in, ya goob! Featuring: MJ Knefel (Page 7) Steve O’Brien (xmas futures) Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Betsy Winchester (Murderfist, The Dog The Boy) And John Moreno (Murderfist) as CEDRIC Invocation An Unfortunate Turn for Cedric Liturgical Reading: Goodnight My Love 6 Conclusion We return in a couple weeks with something decidedly different. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 2 March 2023

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx No one ever talks about what religion aliens are. Is it Protestant? I bet a lot of them are Methodists. If I met an alien, I’d ask it two questions: 1) are you receptive to internalizing shame? 2) have you heard the good word of the Story? Goodnight My Love continues with TEEN SAM. Nothing wrong can happen in a Catholic school! Content warning: self harm, Catholicism. Featuring: MJ Knefel (Page 7) Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) And John Moreno (Murderfist) as CEDRIC Invocation MORE CEDRIC MORE CEDRIC MUCH MORE CEDRIC Liturgical Reading: Goodnight My Love 5 Concluding CEDRIC The series concludes in two weeks with part 6. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 8 February 2023

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx Grandmas and Grandpas will give you a Bible and then YELL at you. Can’t trust a Grandma to buy the right Cro-Croa, can’t ask a Grandpa to turn off the TV. Ughh, but sometimes: you need ‘em. Today, we return to the Goodnight My Love series for the first of three concluding parts. Listen to parts 1-3, episodes 103, 118, and 119 respectively, to catch up and ENJOY. Guest Chaplain: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Featuring: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) MJ Knefel (Page 7) And John Moreno (Murderfist) as CEDRIC! Invocation CEDRIC Liturgical Reading: Goodnight My Love 4 Concluding Remarks The series continues in two weeks with part 5. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 17 January 2023

Wowee wow wow! Is it the false holiday already? Gosh oh fuck, what a blesséd surprise! Join the clergy as we goof and gab our way through the falsest holiday of them all, with nary a commercial or six! That's right, the 522 Club has for THIS EPISODE dropped its patreon veil and is blooming in every ear far n wide OK??? We’ll have a buncha new episodes SOON in the new year. If you even DARE doubt me I will CUSS at you. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 28 December 2022

It’s always raining here. The rain will soak you cold, but it is your task that will break you. Freedom is trapped inside the box, and it is everything outside that is a prison. Invocation Petitions Liturgical Reading: “In Violet Light” Concluding Remarks We’ll have a special lil loosey goosey holiday special for ya in a couple weeks. Return! MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 16 December 2022

Witness as Brother Reid and Pastor Andrew pitch their hot new film experience: Plunk! Is this their big break? Is the church done for? What does it sound like when a battery leaves a human colon? Listen to find out! Meeting Mr. P.P. Brothers “Plunk!” Concluding Remarks In two weeks, tune in for whatever is to FOLLOW. Stock music from Envato.com is used in this episode. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 25 November 2022

There are photos of you lost in a drawer, floating in a liminal space, waiting to be seen. You will recognize the face but not the scene, know your age but not the year. Our past is a secret; it is better to pray for loss than for revelation. Invocation Brother Reid’s Big News Liturgical Reading: Rakija Departure Come back in two weeks, and witness our big meeting with Mr. P. P. Brothers! Gosh, maybe we’ll MAKE IT BIG. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 8 November 2022

Curiosity killed no cat—it was POISON. That rotten child, that BOY did it. His face is every child’s face Miss Paker will see, as she instructs the children in the Truth of her Lord. Guest Preacher: Julie Rosing (www.ineedana.com) Invocation Children’s Awards Liturgical Reading: Miss Paker’s Cats Closing, Disrobing Fourteen days are required for the Story to regenerate and birth again. Check in and cherish what we spew for youuuu nexxxttttt POSTER: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 22 October 2022

An Intruder has intruded upon the livestock, a malefactor produced by dining on death. Yearn for it. Search the brains for its presence, not unlike a gold panner. Yup, real gooey labor, but rewarding. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Invocation Petitions for Patreon Congregants True Liturgical Reading: An Intruder Invoked Closing, Disrobing In two weeks we will come again to deliver you another profound truth! Or some weird shit. Either/or! POSTER: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts

Transcribed - Published: 5 October 2022

It is vital while listening to this Story to not get sidetracked, lost in the details, or thrown off course from your original aim. To amble, disengage focus, or, in other words, become distracted. No! Pay attention! Lest you forget the reason you began to begin with, from the beginning, until the end of where the beginning began. A Seance Profound Liturgical Reading: It Was A Monday Morning When Arthur Kurtz Came To The Terrible Realization He'd Lost Track Of Time, Making His Day Far More Difficult Than Expected Revelation Two weeks until the Story finds you DISTRACTED ohhh what did we tell you? POSTER: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 13 September 2022

BIG SCIENCE NEWS: scientists created the ANNOYING ROBOT beep boop! Uhhh knock knock, who’s there? It’s the future of ROBOT. Look out, because an annoying robot can do what no robot could do before: manage a thriving fast food chain OK??? Guest Preacher: Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, twitch.tv/holdenatorsho) The Clergy’s Wendy’s Order Liturgical Reading: Peter Robot Saves Wendy’s Consumption The next Story is out NEXT WEEK so we stay on DANG schedule OK??? MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 6 September 2022

You are the life of your elders. They go to bed thinking about you. Give them a call. Share your life. Without it, they won’t have one. Guest voices: John Moreno, Betsy Winchester Invocation Dismissals Liturgical Reading: Howard Closing Statements Um, come back ok? Please? The Story is so LONELY without you. You have to PROMISE. Meet the Story here in two weeks you HAVE to. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 20 August 2022

Lotions, candles, and hand sanitizers: turn me into these when I die. I gotta BASK in seasonal scents, and if you give me a sales event? Ohhh you can digest me in your mechanical colon for a WEEK, dear overlord. Become a part of the loving corporate body! Invocation Pastor Andrew’s Coerced Testimony Liturgical Reading: I’m a Bustling Beehive Closing Statements The Story resumes its truth in two weeks. Will you be there to witness? Your answer: YES. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 2 August 2022

Are you n-n-n-nervous? Does it prevent you from serving our glorious economy? For SHAME! Remember this one truth: all mental health is secondary to the will of the oligarchs, ok???? Invocation Liturgical Reading: The Anxiolytic Further Fractures The Story has a HOT sniff of you, and it can now find you wherever you live. Expect its knock in two weeks! MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 22 July 2022

Meiosis is the process by which cells cut themselves in half to make halfling children wriggling alone in the dark incomplete forever. A farming accident is the process by which Sal lost his danglin’ nuts. Learn how the two are CONNECTED. Invocation Petitions for the Newly Greastised Liturgical Reading: Two Testicles in the Indiana Clay Conclusions You will always seek the Story, and in two weeks, your efforts will yield F-F-F-FRUIT. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 8 July 2022

Lay down in the dirt and take a lil nap called DEATH. Yep! The Story is here to tell you: ain’t no one gonna stay alive forever except a few jellyfish. Accept your demise and send your memories to hell, uh huh. Invocation Petitions for Patreon Congregants Liturgical Reading: The Inevitability of Death Closing Apologies The Story will find you again in two weeks and you can’t even STOP it. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 24 June 2022

In their masses, human beings amplify emotion until the smallest sensations become shared, tangible links. But we are floating alone in the void and cannot remember touch. Recall human contact and become confused! Guest: Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Robot Liturgical Reading: Warmth and Dissolution Closing Statements In two weeks more Story is gonna pull up to your orb and demand entry. GRANT. IT. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com LIVE SHOW: https://www.axs.com/events/430541/last-podcast-on-the-left-tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 26 May 2022

This TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY, Gods will come from near and far to DUKE IT OUT. Which God has what it takes? Ohhhh take a listen, and hear how your personal God fares in the 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress! Invocation Announcement about Stickers, Live Show Liturgical Reading: The 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress Closing Statements Check back in two weeks and a new Story loaf will rise from our yeasty declarations. STICKERS: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com LIVE SHOW: https://www.axs.com/events/430541/last-podcast-on-the-left-tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 10 May 2022

Hoo hoo, says the owl. Then the owl says, boo hoo hoo. Avian tears are a delicacy, and even geniuses will spend their grant money to ensure ornithological agony. Sorry birds! Mice gotta chew, cats gotta scratch, and humans gotta CRUEL. Invocation Psalm Reading Liturgical Reading: Undoing Nocturnal Closing Statements Story comes ‘round these parts every fortnight. Chunk down with us AGAIN. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 26 April 2022

Drip drip, get slippery. Splat splat, get WET. Water’s comin’, and it’s gonna SOAK ya, bub. Down to the BONE. Unless you don’t believe in the shivers, then in that case: there’s no water at ALL. Invocation Petitions for Real Good Congregants Liturgical Reading: The Great Flood Closing Statements More STORY in two weeks. Until then: stay DRY, chut. New shirt: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 12 April 2022

Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a SAMPLER PLATTER—of the 522 Club! That’s right, Chet, we’re giving you a LIL sip of a LOT of patreon exclusive content, cha cha cha. Including: WHO WANTS IT with SISTER CALLISTA PA and DEVON chat JAR JAR YEAH JAR JAR Aaaaand you even get to hear DEACON ADAM discuss books with BR and PA! We got a spicy one coming in two weeks and thank ye for your patience. New shirt: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 29 March 2022

Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a BUG. RNNNNNNGG RNG RNG RNGG, look out! A Big Bug Is Coming. Oh, even the clergy has a STORY or TWO about BUG. Don’t believe me? Oh, just TRY listening to a tale or three from: DEVON BROTHER REID And even: PASTOR ANDREW I’ll be back in two weeks with more Story, but not if you show me ‘ttude like this. Nuh UH. New shirt, ya goob: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 17 March 2022

Sorry I’m late, turns out TRAFFIC. Ughhh traffic always gets in the way, especially of car, and most especially: truck. What can we do about traffic? Lots! But I’ll tell you what: it won’t stop the suffering. TRUCKS RADIOS Liturgical Reading: “The Perfect Route” RAGE We’ll be back in two weeks with more Story, don’t even doubt me. New shirt alert, WEAR it: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 3 March 2022

Try to draw a picture of your own face. Do you know where all the pieces belong? If you forgot what you looked like, you’d never be able to recreate it. Invocation A SHIRT Liturgical Reading: “Self-Portrait” A SHIRT Yeah we got a new shirt so go DO it: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 15 February 2022

Suck in your gut. Pucker up your lips! Hock, pull, and reLEASE Good: you just spat out your own brain, ya dumb dumb. Get it outta there! Your brain can’t make you happy, and four out of five bodies agree. P’too! Invocation Shh Thoughts haha Liturgical Reading: “The Brain, The Body” Rocks Get out of the dog kennel, and put on your Tuesday best, ‘cause we’ll be back with a new Story in two weeks. P’too! Featuring the hot gym track Sports Beat by BerryDeep. BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 1 February 2022

Pay attention to this STORY and DON’T get DISTRACTED, like you would while holding the hand of the Archduke’s son while the world’s coal-tossing competition progressed a mere thirteen feet away. The Archduke of course demanded a close view, given his failing eyesight, but also his failing sense of smell and taste. He ate meals for hours, and never once had a drink, afraid to wash away the paste before he could enjoy the flavor. Now, his son mind you is a hemophiliac, and as such has taken to a life of precaution. His mother held his hand on long walks, while crossing the trolleyways, and eventually, while he slept and bathed. While she is on vacation, I’ve been charged to take her stead, given my similar height and smooth pristine hands. “Not a scar!” the Archduke declared upon inspection weeks prior. “Not a mole not a freckle!” Now, coal-tossing is a sport with an ancient, but complicated lineage… Invocation Petitions for Steadfast Congregants Liturgical Reading: “It Was a Sunday…” Get on in on this, on and in and on, again on, again in, on and on in and again. ‘Nother Story in a fortnight, ya goober. BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 19 January 2022

Ohhh Young Robert. Oh! Young Robert! Everyone LOVES Young Robert. He’s sailing for America! He encounters DANGER. But who IS Young Robert? One thing for sure: he’s young! Chunk down to www.thestorymustbetold.com to buy a book, ya goob. The Annual Story fund-a-thon Donations A Very Special Episode of Young Robert We are taking a much needed break for the next episode, so Stories will resume Jan 18. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 22 December 2021

Shh shhhhh go to www.thestorymustbetold.com and buy a book shh shhh it’s actually just links to the Amazon purchase pages shh shhh you don’t have to give us your info we already HAVE it. A mother can be anything. A frog. A bunch of rocks. Devon, apparently. But the one thing a mother can’t be? FREE from the STORY. Look look, uh oh it’s coming for youuuu. Featuring Steve Pasieka as “Christopher” www.twitch.tv/skulkers Invocation Petitions for the Honest Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Hard to be a Mother” Concluding Prayer Two more weeks until the final episode of the year. You will join us I can already tell. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 9 December 2021

Slop some STORY into your palms with our NEW book: Seasons of the Story. Buy here: www.thestorymustbetold.com Meow meow, bark bark, tweet tweet, sublimate sublimate. We all become ONE in the PetSmart. We all become ONE in LOVE, even if it hurts! And it WILL. Guest Preacher: Amber Nelson (Brighter Side and Some Place Under Neith podcasts) Invocation Psalm: How Much is That Doggy with the Masters Degree? Liturgical Reading: “The Sublimation of PetSmart” Concluding Prayer Give us two weeks to refresh the load in the Story trough, and we can FEAST again. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 25 November 2021

Our book is the ONLY truth EVER. Buy SEASONS OF THE STORY at www.thestorymustbetold.com Who will you meet in the mystery woods? Uh oh, maybe someone niiiiice. But can you trust anyone you meet in the mystery woods? Don’t ask me, CHURT. Invocation Petitions for Glorious Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Bearer of Light” The Song of Psalms In two weeks we’ll be waiting for you inside your own heart with a fresh Story. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 11 November 2021

Our BOOK is out, Chester. Buy SEASONS OF THE STORY at www.thestorymustbetold.com For the past year, every month on the Story Discord, our congregants submit original psalms in a CONTEST OF STORY TRUTH. We have read the winners and present them here for YOU. Join the discord and submit at https://discord.gg/9QUv46G. It’s typically for patreon members, but our kindly moderators grant access to SWEETHEARTS no matter their amount of sticky cheddar. THE PSALMS -A Psalm from the book of Grandmas Gone Gone - by Crodyman, www.pulpfrombeyond.com -A lil sip from the mug of gar-fi-eld to the congregation - Kristofferson De, lulu.com/spotlight/ilovedatoasteronce -Passing - Greslo -You Can Always Trust a Taurus - Jacob Rook, Instagram @asbestoscake -My Pen Pal Liturgical Director Carl - Foxy, FwaygoOfficial.redbubble.com -Sarabeth Went Fishing - ghastlygrapher, twitter.com/ghastlygrapher -The Crowning of JoBo REDUX - Jarrod, TWITCH.TV/THESTORYMUSTBEROLLED -The Juice Cleanse - Rachel Weinberg, instagram @cursedcollages, writing on rachelwriteshorror.wordpress.com -I am BUGS - Choirboy RBT, punkswithlunch.org MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 26 October 2021

No Story today, Chester, just a big CHUNK of NEWS: The Story Must Be Told is releasing its first book ... OF STORIES. Mark your humble calendar for OCTOBER 26th when the goodness of the Story plops down on you! 15 of your favorite Stories, plus a BRAND NEW STORY bigger and chunkier that will forever live in the book EXCLUSIVE. Artwork by celebrated congregant Sishir Bommakanti! A foreword by Lil Tad Taster himself for the most part! Follow us on @tsmbtpod on Twitter and Instagram for the PLOP TIME, and keep your peepers PEELED, CHUCK.

Transcribed - Published: 12 October 2021

Knock knock. Who’s there? The Story. The Story who? The Story Must Be Told. Anyway, this episode was sponsored on Patreon.com/tsmbt by congregant Thomas K. Oh congregant, you will RUE the day you gave us your hard earned cheddar. We thank you! Invocation Psalm: “A Box of Family” Liturgical Reading: “Stalkers” Closing Prayer We are taking off the next episode, but we’ll be back with a special announcement. Our book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Transcribed - Published: 28 September 2021