Ask Dr. Julie Hanks

This bonus episode is for anyone who is looking to better understand their personal relationship with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Listen as Ask Dr. Julie Hanks combines with the Latter-day Struggles podcast for a special episode all about moving forward with the LDS Church in the healthiest way for you.If you aren’t sure how to move forward in your relationship with the LDS Church, Valerie and I are hosting a discussion series just for you. This 4-week Q&A series will...

Transcribed - Published: 17 September 2024

In today's episode I talk with Saren and answer the question “How do I support my 13-year-old daughter who wants to stay in the LDS Church when I have left?” Saren is trying to reconcile letting her child be a part of something that she has chosen to leave behind while also respecting her daughter’s agency. To top it off, her daughter has had a difficult time with her mother’s decision to leave the Church.We discuss strategies—like debriefing after church and staying in contact with her daugh...

Transcribed - Published: 28 May 2024

In this episode I meet with Kellice and answer the question “How do I decide on a career that I won’t later regret or wish I had taken a different path?” Kellice wants to choose a sustainable career to support herself and her boys, but she isn’t sure where to start. How can she be sure she isn’t going to make the wrong decision?I challenge Kellice to consider that there may be more than one path for her to choose. Feeling like there is one best choice—and that you will suffer if you don’t fin...

Transcribed - Published: 14 May 2024

This bonus episode of the podcast is for anyone who is wanting to step back from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints while also protecting their mental health. Listen as fellow LDS therapist Valerie Hamaker and I share insight on important topics like why people choose to leave the LDS Church after a faith transition and how to develop the crucial skill of setting boundaries.Stepping back? How to Leave in a Psychologically Healthy WayIf you choose to leave and want to protec...

Transcribed - Published: 30 April 2024

Listen as I chat with Alyssa and answer the question “How do I heal from a patriarchal marriage and let go of resentment I’m carrying towards the LDS Church?” Alyssa and her husband reevaluated the lessons they were taught about marriage and have worked to move toward a partnership model. She feels angry when she thinks about the time she lost living in a patriarchal marriage and sad when she thinks about her past self who didn’t feel empowered.I invite Alyssa to allow herself to feel the ang...

Transcribed - Published: 9 April 2024

In this podcast episode I sit down with Mallory and answer the question “How do I pursue a high-powered career and still show up as the mom I want to be?” Mallory recently went back to work part-time and is feeling immense guilt. It feels like she can’t win: When she is at work, she feels like she should be staying home with her children (and feel fulfilled while doing it). And when she is at home with her kids, she feels like she should be working harder.I point out that Mallory is carrying ...

Transcribed - Published: 26 March 2024

In this episode I talk with Diana and answer the question “How can I better communicate to my husband that I’m not comfortable letting our child sleep at my in-laws’ house?” Diana is not okay with either herself or her child sleeping there because years ago, her father-in-law was arrested for child molestation. Her husband has struggled to respect this boundary.Diana and I roleplay a conversation with her husband where she holds this boundary firm. She has the right to say no to sleepovers, t...

Transcribed - Published: 19 March 2024

In this episode, I chat with Christine and answer the question “How should I approach my daughter’s upcoming baptism when I don’t believe 8-year-olds are capable of making this choice?” Christine and her husband have several valid hesitations about their daughter getting baptized when they aren't sure that she really understands what she would be committing to.Christine and I unpack her concerns and I challenge the thought that her daughter has to be totally “ready” to commit to baptism befor...

Transcribed - Published: 12 March 2024

In this episode I talk with Sylvia and answer the question “How can I stay engaged and active in the LDS Church as a working mom and a feminist?” Sylvia shares the story of a painful experience at Church that has left her wondering if she sustains her leaders. In fact, she has chosen not to renew her temple recommend because she isn’t sure if she can sustain her current bishopric.The word sustain has two main definitions. I used to think that sustain meant agree, but I see the word differentl...

Transcribed - Published: 5 March 2024

In today’s episode, I talk with Nicole and answer the question “How do I know if I want kids because I genuinely want them or because it’s always been expected of me?” After a recent break up caused by her partner not wanting to have children, Nicole is hoping to gain some clarity as to what she wants for her future and why.Nicole and I talk about how to have a meaningful life with or without children, if it matters at the end of the day if she does want kids because it’s what she’s always as...

Transcribed - Published: 27 February 2024

In today’s episode I chat with Morgan and answer the question “How can I talk about boundaries with my narcissistic mother-in-law who turns everything into my fault?” Morgan describes what interactions with her mother-in-law are typically like, and from what I hear it sounds like Morgan is doing a good job interacting with her. From my perspective, the bigger problem is between Morgan and her husband.There are important conversations Morgan and her husband need to have regarding boundaries an...

Transcribed - Published: 13 February 2024

In today’s episode, I talk with Kelly and answer the question “How do I learn to trust myself when I feel a disconnect between what I learn in therapy and what I hear at Church?” I know that a lot of listeners are going to relate to our discussion.Kelly shares that she feels two parts of her life—therapy and the Church—have been influential and helpful, but that they are currently at odds. During our time together we talk about Fowler’s Stages of Faith and how Kelly is moving from trusting ex...

Transcribed - Published: 6 February 2024

Listen as I talk with Jennifer and answer the question “How can I be present when grief is always reminding me of what could have been?“ Jennifer shares the story of her relationship, her husband’s cancer diagnosis, and her experience of being a new mom of twins while navigating the grief of losing her husband. Now, five years later, she feels split between being present in her daily life and grieving the life she didn’t get to live with her late husband.Jennifer and I talk more about what it...

Transcribed - Published: 30 January 2024

This bonus episode of the podcast is for anyone who is wanting to stay in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints while also protecting their mental health. Listen as fellow LDS therapist Valerie Hamaker and I share insight on important topics like why people choose to stay in the LDS Church after a faith transition and how to develop the crucial skill of setting boundaries.Choosing to Stay? How to Stay Connected to the LDS Church in a Psychologically Healthy WayIf you choose to stay ...

Transcribed - Published: 23 January 2024

In this podcast episode I talk with Mary and answer the question “Has my Latter-day Saint (LDS) upbringing impacted my sexuality?” I tell Mary that her LDS upbringing most likely has impacted her sexuality—but that is true for any person. During our time together we explore the specific ways that LDS culture may have influenced her development.Mary would prefer to date women, but she is not sure if that fits within her values. We spend some time dissecting the difference between values and be...

Transcribed - Published: 16 January 2024

In this episode I talk with Sarah and answer the question, “In the classroom, what techniques can I use to stop comparing myself to others and start fostering a growth mindset?” Sarah just started attending school after a 5-year break, and she has found herself worrying that she isn’t smart enough to be there.Having mixed feelings about trying something new is totally normal. I invite Sarah to recognize her negative feelings and then let them go. She may worry that she isn’t smart enough, but...

Transcribed - Published: 9 January 2024

In this episode I talk with Ben Schilaty and answer the question “How can I help my LGBTQ+ friends who are in pain because they feel like they don’t belong in the LDS Church?” Ben’s question stems from his own experience of being a gay member of the LDS Church and from seeing loved ones in the LGBTQ+ community struggle to feel like they have a place in the Church.Ben and I talk about what he does now to try and help his friends. He shares that he’s a great listener, but that sometimes it’s ha...

Transcribed - Published: 2 January 2024

In this episode, I sit down with Amanda and answer the question, “How do I talk with my husband about expectations for behavior at Church and contributing at home?” Amanda’s husband often has his phone out during Church and doesn’t like singing along to the hymns. She recognizes that as an adult, he gets to choose how to worship. But she still wishes he wouldn’t do these things. I tell Amanda that it’s okay to have expectations, but that it is better to focus those expectations on herself. It...

Transcribed - Published: 19 December 2023

In this episode, I sit down with Emma and answer the question, “How can I talk about modesty to my tween step-daughter without undermining the contradictory thoughts of her mother?” Emma views modesty as a broad topic that covers how we think and behave, while her step-daughter’s mom ascribes to stricter dress code rules. They have different opinions, and Emma wants to be respectful of that while also upholding different rules in her own home.I tell Emma that it’s okay for her step-daughter t...

Transcribed - Published: 5 December 2023

In this episode, I talk with Beth and answer the question, “Should I try and save a friendship that’s ending because my family left the Church?” Beth’s family has a group of friends that get together several times a year for fun trips. After the news came out that Beth’s family is leaving the Church, it’s felt like these friends want nothing to do with them.I encourage Beth to go toward the awkward. It’s likely that these friends are making up stories about what leaving the Church means for B...

Transcribed - Published: 21 November 2023

This is part 2 of a 2-part interview with Jill Duggar Dillard and Derick Dillard. If you haven’t listened to part 1, I recommend starting there..In this special episode of the Ask Dr. Julie Hanks podcast, we’re doing things a little differently. Instead of hosting a guest and answering their questions, I am honored to be joined by two special guests who I get to interview: Jill Duggar Dillard and Derick Dillard.You may be familiar with Jill from her time on the hit reality tv show 19 Kid...

Transcribed - Published: 17 November 2023

In this special episode of the Ask Dr. Julie Hanks podcast, we’re doing things a little different. Instead of hosting a guest and answering their questions, I am honored to be joined by two special guests who I get to interview: Jill Duggar Dillard and Derick Dillard.You may be familiar with Jill from her time on the hit reality tv show 19 Kids and Counting, but Jill is so much more than a tv personality. She is also a wife, mother, follower of Christ, author, and so much more.As you listen, ...

Transcribed - Published: 14 November 2023

In this episode I meet with Molly and answer the question, “How do I cope with the disappointment that motherhood is not what I expected it to be?” Molly recently finished her graduate studies and was planning on starting a new job, but has instead found herself as a full-time caregiver to her son who was born with health challenges.On the one hand, Molly is grateful to have this extra time with her son. On the other hand, she feels disappointed she wasn’t able to start work. Part of her feel...

Transcribed - Published: 7 November 2023

In this episode, I’m joined by Valerie Hamaker from Latter Day Struggles Podcast. We discuss the importance of open dialogue with children, the case-by-case approach to parenting, and the significance of considering a child's well-being and spiritual growth. We also explore the complexities of navigating religion and belief systems within the family dynamic, addressing topics such as attending church, temple garments, mixed-faith marriages, and teaching children how to think for themselv...

Transcribed - Published: 31 October 2023

In this episode I meet with Lianne and answer the question, “How can I accept that I would have chosen differently in the past if I knew what I know now?” Lianne is getting ready to re-enter the workforce now that her youngest is in daycare, and she wishes that she had gotten her master’s degree before becoming a full-time mom.I advise Lianne to find compassion for the young woman she was when she made the decision to not pursue her master’s degree. I also invite her to grieve. It’s okay to w...

Transcribed - Published: 24 October 2023

In this episode I talk with Jess and answer the question, “How do I deal with fear of judgment in the Church?” Jess especially worries about what others think of her clothing choices. This has impeded her from fully enjoying activities ranging from attending Church to going to the beach with her family.I ask Jess to do the following when she notices herself worrying about her clothing: notice that she is worried, and accept the thought without judgment. I also invite Jess to consider getting ...

Transcribed - Published: 10 October 2023

In this episode I talk with DJ and answer the question, “How do I prevent burnout as a working mom?” DJ is finishing up her maternity leave, and she feels nervous about going back to work. There is so much on her plate, and it feels like something needs to be deprioritized as she re-enters the workspace. The only problem is, there isn’t anything that can be pushed to the side.I ask DJ how she and her husband share responsibilities at home and advise her to have a conversation with her husband...

Transcribed - Published: 26 September 2023

In this episode I talk with Angie and answer the question, “How can I fall in love with my life again as a new mother?” Angie sometimes feels grief when she thinks of how her life used to be. It almost feels like she missed out on being young by getting married and having children in her early 20s. Overall, she wants to learn how to live this stage of life and feel like herself again.Angie shares that before she had her baby, she looked forward to spending time with friends and being social. ...

Transcribed - Published: 12 September 2023

In this episode I talk with Hannah and answer the question, “How can I recognize a healthy romantic connection when I have one?” Hannah describes a theme from her past relationships where she’s often felt like she has to be perfect in order to receive love. This pattern dates back to her childhood relationship with her father.I tell Hannah that we tend to replay our early relationships in our romantic relationships. In some ways, it’s life telling us that we need to heal a past wound. Healing...

Transcribed - Published: 29 August 2023

For this special episode of the Ask Dr. Julie Hanks podcast, I sat down with Valerie Hamaker of the Latter Day Struggles podcast and discussed the talk “To the Mothers in Zion” by President Ezra Taft Benson. This talk played a significant role in shaping our development and faith—and we had a lot to share.Valerie and I discussed how as a result of this talk, many Latter-day Saint women felt they had no choice but to be stay-at-home mothers. For some of these women, this meant abandoning profe...

Transcribed - Published: 22 August 2023

In this episode I talk with Cassie and answer the question “How can I find support for myself as my husband heals from a traumatic childhood?” Cassie’s husband is actively working on healing from this trauma, but there are times when she feels like her wants and needs have to take a back seat until he is better.The story that Cassie has to put everything on hold while her husband heals is not true. She cannot wait to focus on herself and find the support she needs because she needs it now. We...

Transcribed - Published: 8 August 2023

In this episode, I talk with Moriah and answer the question “How do I validate myself in my struggles with secondary infertility?” Moriah has two children from a previous relationship, but she and her husband of four years have been unable to have a child of their own. She is in a unique position where she belongs to the infertility community but feels guilty for struggling with that heartache when she already has two children.Moriah wants to have a biological child with her husband. That is ...

Transcribed - Published: 25 July 2023

In this episode I talk with Michelle and answer the question “How do I share my doubts about the LDS Church with my family?” Michelle’s parents are both very religious, and she is unsure how to share the news of her faith journey with them.Part of being honest about where you are on a faith journey is often disappointing your parents. This is especially hard for Michelle who has felt pressure to be one of her parents’ children who stays in the faith. We talk about how she will lose that role ...

Transcribed - Published: 11 July 2023

In this episode I talk with Kelsey and answer the question, “How do I come to terms with my last baby entering toddlerhood?” She is feeling a sense of loss as her third child leaves the baby stage behind. Instead she wants to be able to feel more joy as her child grows and develops.I tell Kelsey that the emotions she is experiencing are totally normal, especially for women who had difficult or complicated births and recoveries like she did. It’s common for there to be a sense of loss because ...

Transcribed - Published: 27 June 2023

In this episode I talk with Sarah and answer the question “How can I step away from a friendship without hurting my friend’s feelings?” Sarah feels like it is time to distance herself from both a group of friends and an individual friend because the relationships are no longer helpful in her life.It’s hard to break up with a friend without hurting their feelings. I invite Sarah to think about the fact that their hurt feelings are theirs to process; she is not responsible for their reaction. S...

Transcribed - Published: 13 June 2023

In this podcast episode, I talk with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. She answered the question, “How do I claim my sexuality?” Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a relationship and sexuality educator and coach as well as a licensed clinical professional counselor. She has resources on her website to help you achieve greater satisfaction and passion within your emotional and sexual relationship.During our time together we cover a wide range of topics from embracing sexuality in or out of a relationship, navig...

Transcribed - Published: 30 May 2023

This week Richie joins me as I answer more of your most frequently asked questions. Listen to hear answers to questions like:Is my grief over infertility related to the teaching that the most important thing for me to be is a mother?Does your husband agree with everything you post?Is lasting change possible?How do I overcome imposter syndrome?How do navigate my personal growth while also supporting my children?If you have a question you’d like to hear me answer in a future FAQ podcast episode...

Transcribed - Published: 16 May 2023

In this episode I talk with Heidi and answer the question “Do I have to end my friendship with a family member’s ex now that they are divorced?” Heidi grew very close with the person who married into her family, and after that marriage ended Heidi’s family member asked her to cut contact with their ex. Heidi wants to be respectful, but she also really misses her friend.I advise Heidi that her family member does not get to make decisions about Heidi’s relationships. They get to decide not to b...

Transcribed - Published: 2 May 2023

In this episode, I talk with Valerie and answer the question “What do I do when my friends and family won’t acknowledge my vulnerable faith deconstruction work?” Valerie is a fellow therapist and podcaster. She has been struggling with negative feedback from strangers about her podcast about faith deconstruction and a lack of feedback from friends and family.I tell Valerie that any bad reviews from strangers—while difficult to read—are not about her. They are about her work, and she is not he...

Transcribed - Published: 18 April 2023

In this episode, I talk with Stacy and answer the question “How can I build confidence and not let self-doubt hold me back from achieving my goals?” Stacy is studying to become a therapist, and she wants to build up her confidence so that it doesn’t fluctuate based on feedback from other people like her supervisor or family.Stacy tells me that sometimes she feels that she will have confidence once she’s perfect. We talk about how this equation is setting her up to never feel the confidence sh...

Transcribed - Published: 4 April 2023

I’m excited to bring you another FAQ podcast episode! Join me as I sit down with Richie and answer more of your frequently asked questions. Tune in to hear answers to questions like:How do I stand up for myself with in-laws who want me to be traditional and politically conservative when I am neither of those things?How can I help my daughters know their worth?Who am I anymore without children to care for? How do I transition from full-time stay-at-home mom to whatever I am currently?How can I...

Transcribed - Published: 21 March 2023

In this bonus podcast episode I talk with Dr. Jennifer Douglas about March’s theme in the Dr. Julie Hanks Group Coaching Membership: How do I stop seeking others’ approval?In this dynamic conversation we uncover the roots of perfectionism, share phrases and mantras that help battle perfectionist thinking, talk about how overfunctioning at home is a form of perfectionism, discuss the benefits of breaking free from approval seeking, share how to deal with the guilt that accompanies leaving perf...

Transcribed - Published: 7 March 2023

In this bonus podcast episode, I talk with Dr. Morgan Francis about overcoming body shame and cultivating body love. Dr. Francis is a licensed therapist who offers courses and therapy services on her website that can help you stop hating your body.During our time together we talk about how we develop body shame, the different ways body shame can show up in our day-to-day lives, and what influence social media has had on body shame. Dr. Francis also shares about body neutrality, which is a hel...

Transcribed - Published: 21 February 2023

Jennifer is a mother of 1 and a widow who recently remarried. Growing up, she always felt that her parents had a great relationship because they put each other first. Now that she is remarried, she wants to know if this approach is the best way to make sure everyone in her home is taken care of.Instead of always setting one person before another, I encourage Jennifer to look for ways to balance her relationships with her daughter and husband. Rather than thinking of one coming before another,...

Transcribed - Published: 14 February 2023

In this bonus podcast episode, I sit down with my podcast editor Richie and answer another round of your frequently asked questions. Listen to find answers to questions likeWhen do I know if I am depressed or just in a rut?How can I respect members of the LDS Church when I don’t respect the Church’s actions?How can I have respectful dialogue about my faith transition with family and friends?How do I make peace with my aspirational shame?And more!If you have a question you’d like to hear me an...

Transcribed - Published: 7 February 2023

In this episode, I talk with Cyd and address the question “When my parents don’t respect my boundaries, how can I find a middle ground between putting up with it and shutting them out?” Cyd expresses frustration at her parents’ inability to accept her for who she is without trying to manipulate the choices she makes.Cyd is doing a great job setting boundaries with her parents and genuinely wants to pursue a relationship with them. At the same time, she feels like she is going in circles havin...

Transcribed - Published: 31 January 2023

In this episode I talk with Tamee and answer the question “Why do I have such a hard time when I tell my kids no?” Tamee shares that even though she knows she isn’t responsible for making sure her children are always happy, she feels responsible whenever they have a negative response to hearing no.Tamee grew up in a house where she felt unsafe, uncomforted, and even invisible at times. Little Tamee was driven by fear, and she may be directing the way Adult Tamee parents. We discuss how her di...

Transcribed - Published: 24 January 2023

In this bonus episode of the podcast, I talk with Chrissy Powers about the difference between self care and selfishness. Chrissy is an LMFT, creative coach, writer, therapist, and mother of three. Her work focuses on encouraging others to live their fullest lives through unfreezing patterns of trauma.Taking care of yourself and being selfish are two different things, and yet so many women feel selfish for taking care of themselves. Listen as we:Share our definitions of self care versus selfis...

Transcribed - Published: 17 January 2023

In this podcast episode, I talk with Natalie and address the question “How can I find healing from the challenges of being a quadruplet?” One of Natalie’s biggest challenges is comparison, both in comparing herself to her quadruplet siblings and to those around her.Natalie seems to have somehow decided that she doesn’t measure up. I ask her to turn inward and reflect on her definition of what is good enough. What makes someone a good mother? A good partner? A good sibling?When Natalie shares ...

Transcribed - Published: 10 January 2023

In this bonus podcast episode, I sit down and answer eight of your most frequently asked questions. Listen to see how I answer questions like:I want another child, but my husband does not. How do we navigate this?How do I keep a good relationship with my parents while pursuing my authentic life’s path, even if that path may hurt them?How do my partner and I work together if I leave the Church and he stays?What are some strategies I can use to work through aspirational shame?Have you ever thou...

Transcribed - Published: 3 January 2023