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Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Anne Blythe, M.Ed.

Society & Culture, Relationships, Education, Self-improvement, Health & Fitness, Mental Health, Courses

4.71.2K Ratings

Overview

btr.org - btr.org has daily, online Group and Individual Sessions for victims of emotional & psychological abuse and sexual coercion. For women experiencing pain, chaos, and isolation due to their husband’s lying, gaslighting, manipulation, porn use, cheating, infidelity, emotional abuse, and narcissistic abuse. Labeling a victim as "codependent" is a form of victim blaming. Pornography addiction / sex addiction are a domestic abuse issue. Narcissistic abuse is not a communication issue. We help women who are married, separated, or divorced heal through establishing emotional safety. If you suspect your husband is a narcissist, a pornography addict, or emotionally abusive, this podcast is for you. Every woman on our team has experienced betrayal trauma first hand. To learn more about Betrayal Trauma Recovery, visit BTR.ORG

420 Episodes

Stages of Deliverance From Abuse: Emotional and Psychological

Find the stages of deliverance from abuse. Anne tells how she discovered how to be delivered and gain freedom from abuse.

Transcribed - Published: 14 May 2024

Is Forgiveness Helpful for Victims of Betrayal?

Forgiveness is a polarizing topic for victims of intimate betrayal. But can it provide relief & healing? Dr. Debi Silber is on the podcast.

Transcribed - Published: 7 May 2024

Healing From Betrayal Trauma with Dr. Debi Silber

Healing from betrayal trauma is absolutely possible. Dr. Debi Silber discusses the five steps to healing and more on this episode.

Transcribed - Published: 30 April 2024

How Long Does It Take To Heal From Emotional Abuse?

Recovering from your husband's emotional abuse is a journey. There are strategies to speed healing. Here are 3 things to consider.

Transcribed - Published: 23 April 2024

Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality – The Best Resource

You can teach children healthy sexuality. Here are some quality resources to help make sure your kids are empowered to make healthy choices about sex when the time is right.

Transcribed - Published: 16 April 2024

How to Talk To Your Kids About Sex

The Sex Talk can be a good experience for both parents and children. Dina Alexander shares tips, myths, and how-to's.

Transcribed - Published: 9 April 2024

When His Sexual Fantasy Signals Abusive Control

When fantasizing is about control, it will be harmful to any relationship. Discover the effects of your husband's sexual fantasies and why they're hurting you.

Transcribed - Published: 2 April 2024

Should I Divorce My Husband for Emotional Abuse? Can I?

A victims shares how she grappled with religious traditions, logistics, to determine if she wanted to divorce her abusive husband, and if so how?

Transcribed - Published: 26 March 2024

My Husband Says I’m the Problem. Is He Right?

J.R. spent nearly a decade believing that she was the problem in the marriage. Learning about emotional abuse helped her establish safety boundaries.

Transcribed - Published: 19 March 2024

Sad News About A Beloved Member of Our Team

Remembering Coach Katherine We loved Katherine so much. Katherine was kind and fierce at the same time. All she wanted was to help deliver women from suffering and harm. She will be greatly missed. We LOVE you Katherine!

Transcribed - Published: 16 March 2024

Where Can I Find Resources to Stop Human Trafficking?

Are you ready to help stop human trafficking? Melea Stephens from NCOSE shares how you can participate in advocacy without having to leave home.

Transcribed - Published: 12 March 2024

How to Set Boundaries In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

If you're wondering how to set boundaries in an emotionally abusive relationship, you are NOT alone. Elizabeth continues her story.

Transcribed - Published: 5 March 2024

Is the Cycle of Abuse a Myth?

Although it might not necessarily look like a cycle, emotional abuse shows up in patterns. If you know what to look for, understanding the cycle of abuse can help you understand your situation. "I felt like something was off...but I didn't know what to look for." Elizabeth, like many victims of hidden abuse, felt unsettled early on in the relationship. But she didn't have the language or professional support to identify that her abusive husband was putting her through the devastating cycle of abuse. Tune in and read the full transcript below for more. This episode is Part 1 of Anne's interview with Elizabeth.Part 1: Is The Cycle of Abuse a Myth? (this episode)Part 2: How to Set Boundaries in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship The Cycle of Abuse Makes You Feel Crazy Like many women, Elizabeth sought professional help early on in her marriage because she felt crazy in her relationship. If you are feeling crazy in your relationship, please know that gaslighting, blame-shifting, secret intimate betrayal (including porn use), and sexual coercion are abuse issues and must be treated as such. Understanding the cycle of abuse can help you identify what's really going on, early on. What is the Cycle of Abuse? The Cycle of Abuse Consists of Four Main Phases: * Grooming: this phase is often called love-bombing. We also refer to it as "manipulative kindness". This phase can last minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, or in some cases, decades. Abusers groom victims by presenting whatever version of themselves seems most safe, secure, "attachable", and healthy to you. * Tension: this phase is often very painful for victims. Women experiencing abusive tension often blame themselves, feeling responsible for the abuser's neglect and verbal abuse - because it's starkly different from the grooming behaviors that the abuser used to manipulate them into the relationship. * Action: the action phase is unique to each abuser, but consists of the harmful behaviors that constitute hidden abuse, including: gaslighting, manipulation, intimate betrayal, financial betrayal, etc. * Denial: women are often on the cusp of setting safety boundaries, including separation or divorce, during the denial phase. Abusers use gaslighting, manipulation, and blame-shifting, to "erase" the harmful behaviors of the cycles before - but often, victims come to a place where they're simply done with the pain and confusion of hidden abuse. Tragically, this is also the phase where abusers tap into a deeper level of manipulation and coax the victim into the grooming phase, where the cycle starts all over again. BTR.ORG Is Here For You The good news is that many, many victims are identifying the cycle of abuse in their relationships, earlier and earlier. If you're realizing, maybe for the first time, that you're experiencing emotional abuse, please know that you are not alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have a member of our community on today's episode. Her name is Elizabeth and she is going to share her story. Welcome, Elizabeth. Elizabeth (01:34):Thank you. Anne (01:35):She's been a

Transcribed - Published: 27 February 2024

Here Are My Emotions in the Aftermath of Abuse

In the aftermath of an abusive marriage, many victims still have to work toward physical safety - but after physical safety has been achieved, there is a spectrum of emotions to process. Vicki is on The BTR.ORG Podcast in the final installment of her three-part interview, sharing her joys, insecurities, fears, and hopes in the aftermath of her thirty-year abusive marriage. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below. This episode is Part 3 of Anne's interview with Vicki. Part 1: Walking Away After 30 Years of Narcissistic Abuse Part 2: This is How You Know It's Time To Leave Part 3: Here Are My Emotions in the Aftermath of Abuse (this episode) But I'm Safe Now - Shouldn't I Be Happy All The Time? Many victims experience a level of guilt or frustration with themselves for feeling negative emotions after they've achieved a level of physical safety, post-divorce. It can be helpful to understand that all emotions simply are - they're not good or bad. So when you experience things like: * Fear * Frustration * A lack of desire for relationships * Apathy * Anger * Grief Understand that you are normal - these emotions are part of the healing experience. "It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. You are healing." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG BTR.ORG Is Here For You For many women in our community, it can be difficult to articulate the complexities of the many levels of healing to someone who has not experienced covert abuse. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today so that you can process your experience with other women who understand. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Today we have Vicki back on the podcast today. She's been with us the last two episodes, so if you haven't heard the beginning or middle of her story, go there first, listen and then join us here. Let's just jump right into the conversation. Where are you in the journey to safety right now? "There's nothing wrong with you. You are healing." Vicki (01:44): Well, physically safe. Yes, emotionally still struggling and it has very much so affected my ability to have relationships with other people. I don't date at all. As far as being able to have a bonded relationship where we go hang out, we will call each other up and just be besties. No, I haven't been able to do a thing like that. Anne (02:15): It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. You are healing. I don't date and there's nothing wrong with me. If I were unquote better, I still wouldn't date because dating's dumb. There's nothing wrong with you. I bet it will come with time. Vicki (02:34): I did, of course, BTR group. Anne (02:37): Vicki, if you could go back and talk to your younger self, maybe you at like 16, what would you tell her? "If something feels off, assume it is." Vicki (02:45): I would definitely say if something feels off, assume it is and do not let what someone says dismiss something that feels off, because every time I would express something being off, there would always be this perfect little explanation that was, I feel like rehearsed just in case, and so I would dismiss it. I would just teach a 16-year-old self. Just go with what you're feeling. If it feels off, it is. And then the other thing I would teach them is we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. The most important thing that I learned was it is not compassion to provide a convenient environment for someone...

Transcribed - Published: 20 February 2024

This is How You Know It’s Time to Leave

This episode is Part 2 of Anne's interview with Vicki. Part 1: Walking Away After 30 Years of Narcissistic Abuse Part 2: This is How You Know It's Time to Leave (this episode) Part 3: Here Are My Emotions in the Aftermath of Abuse Every victim faces a unique moment when she has had enough, when she realizes, "It's time to leave." Vicki shares her powerful story of liberating herself from an abusive marriage when she reached her own moment of realization. Vicki's story offers a beacon of hope for survivors facing similar challenges. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more. As You Prepare to Leave Your Abusive Marriage Whether you've been married for days, weeks, months, or years, we want you to be safe as you prepare to leave your abusive marriage. As you'll hear in Vicki's story, her abusive ex-husband reached new and terrifying heights of violence and intimidation when he realized that she was on the precipice of change. This is common in abuse scenarios. Victims can prepare to safety leave an abusive relationship by: * Creating a safety plan with a BTR.ORG coach or local domestic violence victim advocate * Reaching out to safe folks and letting them know the plan, and ways to offer support * Pack an emergency bag that is hidden and easily accessible in case the need arises for a quick exit BTR.ORG Is Here For You For those currently on the path to freedom, Vicki's story stands as a testament to resilience. It reinforces the message that leaving an abusive marriage is a courageous act, requiring careful planning, support systems, and a commitment to one's safety. Vicki's journey, serves as an inspiration for victims taking the first steps toward reclaiming their lives. You are not alone, and there is strength in breaking free. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Vicki is back on today's episode. We started her story last week, so if you didn't hear that, listen first and then join us here. Today we're talking about how Vicki did not have strategies for communicating with her abuser post-divorce. So many victims don't have these strategies, so please check out our Living Free Workshop. These safety strategies, thought strategies, communication strategies, boundary strategies, work, every listener to the podcast needs to take that workshop so you have the right idea about how to communicate safely and what to do. The ever-changing goal posts of the abuser (02:13): When did you realize that all of your hard work and you know, all the things he had manipulated you to do that you didn't know that it wasn't working out like he said it was right. Like so an abuser will be like, well, if you would only do this, this, and this, everything would be good. And because they're liars, they always move the goalposts. So if he's like, you've gotta have dinner ready by five and you know, da da da, and then you do all the things and then he still acting terrible. And then he says, well, and you have to lose weight and you have to work out. And you know, I don't know all the things he says. There's never a time where he is like, oh good, yeah, you did do that. Okay, now I am happy. Now we're great. That never happens with an abuser. Vicki (03:01): No. "I was like, 'why am I doing this?

Transcribed - Published: 13 February 2024

Walking Away After 30 Years of Narcissistic Abuse

This episode is Part 1 of Anne's interview with Vicki. Part 1: Walking After 30 Years of Narcissistic Abuse (this episode) Part 2: This is How You Know It's Time To Leave Part 3: My Emotions in the Aftermath of Abuse Grief. Fear. Anger. Loneliness. Resolve to "be enough" so that he'll change. The spectrum of emotions that victims of covert abuse experience over decades of cruelty is almost impossible to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. Vicki shares her story poignantly in this vulnerable unfolding of her painful journey of 30 years of abuse on The BTR.ORG Podcast. Vicki's story, like many others, begins with the deceptive allure of Prince Charming that soon morphs into a domestic climate where walking on eggshells becomes the norm. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Are you in a multi-decade long relationship with an abuser? Many victims find BTR.ORG after years, even decades of abuse. Some experience deep feelings of shame and self-loathing for "staying so long". At BTR, we understand the complexities of relationships, of identifying abuse, and how difficult it can be to make the decision to leave once you do identify abusive behavior. Initially dismissing her husband's alarming behavior as the byproduct of external hardships, it was also very difficult for Vicki to identify that she was experiencing abuse. You are safe here. You will never experience judgment or pressure here at BTR. We understand that each situation is unique and each individual knows her own situation best. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today - a safe community where you can process your experiences is often a good place to start your healing journey. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Today we have a member of our community on today's episode. We are going to call her Vicki. She is going to be sharing her personal experience and what she has been through. So welcome, Vicki. Vicki (01:38): Hi. It's great to be here. Anne (01:41): I don't know if great to be here. Is <laugh> the exact right way to put it, right? Vicki (01:47): Well, if it's gonna help anybody, then yes. Did you recognize your husband's abusive behaviors? Anne (01:50): Yes, yes. What you've been through is terrible. But a lot of victims who come on the podcast to share their experience, find it as like a step on their journey to peace in that they're able to like really share their story with a community of women who get it and that can benefit from it. So we're really grateful for you taking the time to share today. So let's start at the beginning of your story. Did you recognize your husband's abusive behaviors? Vicki (02:24): At first, no. I mean, of course at first he was Prince Charming, you know, so there wasn't anything to notice at first. But then very shortly after we were married, I started noticing things that I was like, Hmm, I've never seen that before. Where did that come from? But this went on for months and years, without me being able to say, wait a minute, that's not okay. That's totally abusive. So definitely did not recognize it. Finding ways to live with "strange" (abusive) behavior Anne (02:58): How did you define these? I'll just put in quotes,

Transcribed - Published: 6 February 2024

New Meditations: Are You Ready to Start Healing?

This episode is Part 3 of the series on the new BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop.Part 1: Brand New Meditations for Victims of Betrayal & AbusePart 2: Find Peace & Calm With Our New BTR.ORG MeditationsPart 3: New Meditations: Are You Ready to Start Healing? (this episode) BTR.ORG Meditations: A Healing Modality for All Sammy, like many members of the BTR.ORG community, is a woman of faith. She shares: "I have typically shied away from meditation because I'm coming from a Christian base and I was afraid of new age-type meditations that I had only briefly heard about. So I kept scripture reading, prayer, and just my own meditation in communing with God, so to speak." Sammy, Member of the BTR.ORG Community All Belief Paradigms Are Welcome & Respected at BTR.ORG Sammy decided to try The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop despite her reservations - and found immense healing and peace. Regardless of your ideology, please know that BTR.ORG resources, included the new Meditation Workshop, are designed with all belief paradigms in mind. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Listen to Sammy's experiences with the new BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop for more, and consider enrolling today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. The last two episodes have been members of our community who are sharing their experience with The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop.I wrote, recorded, and edited it specifically for women in this situation. It includes 13 meditations and they are all really amazing. They cover different topics, even though the beginning of all of the meditations is similar, it uses different words and has a different topic, and then it has a topic specific visualization about halfway through, and women are finding it to be really, really helpful. So I've invited Sammy, another member of our community to share her experience with the meditations today. Before you even listened to it one time, what were your expectations before and then the first time you listened to it, what was your experience? Being open to new healing modalities Sammy (02:21):My experience with meditation, I have typically shied away from it because I'm coming from a Christian base and I was afraid of, I don't know, new age for lack of a better definition type meditations that I had only briefly heard about, so I kept scripture reading, prayer, and just my own meditation in communing with God, so to speak. But I thought, well, no, I'm really open to this. I'll see what I think. Anne (02:52):Just out of curiosity, what made you open to it in the first place? Just that you trusted BTR or - Sammy (02:58):Oh, yes, yes. It was going to be safe and fine, and I always know that, say I started it and it was too triggering, for lack of a better word for me, I can just stop it, knowing that it was coming from a safe source. Using the Workbook with the Meditations Anne (03:14):Before you tried it, did you print out the workbook? Sammy (03:17):Yes, the whole deal. Anne (03:19):How did you feel about like, wait, this is a meditation. I didn't know it was a workbook.

Transcribed - Published: 30 January 2024

Find Peace & Calm With Our New BTR Meditations

This episode is Part 3 of The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop Series. Part 1: Brand New Meditations for Victims of Betrayal & AbusePart 2: Find Peace & Calm With Our New BTR Meditations (this episode)Part 3: New Meditations: Are You Ready to Start Healing? If you, like many victims of betrayal and abuse, are desperate for stillness and peace, there is a new resource available to you. Lily, a member of the BTR.ORG community, found peace in the tumult of trauma by utilizing the new BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop. Tune in and read the full transcript below for more. Chaos on the Outside, Peace on the Inside "With the chaos on the outside, I was able to find some peace and calm on the inside. And the meditations made that possible." Lily, Member of the BTR.ORG Community We understand how exhausting it is to face the trauma of betrayal and abuse. You deserve peace - and some victims find it in the stillness of trauma-informed meditation. Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.ORG, developed The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop to offer you peace and healing regardless of what your circumstances may be. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Enroll in The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop today - and experience the peace and calm that you have always deserved. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Last week I interviewed Pat about her experience with the meditations that I've written. This week, I'm interviewing another member of our community, I'm gonna call her Lily. So she enrolled in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop and then she enrolled in The Meditation Workshop and she's gonna share her experience. Talk to me about how you felt progressively as you did the meditation the first time, the second time, the third time. Do you think that it benefited you to do the same meditation three times? "I was able to find some peace and calm on the inside" Lily (02:03):Yes. I do believe it was beneficial to do it more than once. When I was listening to it, I was also going through a rough week in my divorce process. I found it very grounding to review and do the visualization and then actually to have the same visualization. So while I was going through all the turmoil on the outside, in my circumstances, the meditation and the visualization and the process being the same actually provided some grounding for me to be able to kind of stay steady through it. With the chaos on the outside, I was able to find some peace and calm on the inside. And the meditations made that possible. "I was surprised at just how grounded I felt" I was surprised at just how grounded I felt when I came into this process. And I didn't know that I could get away because my situation is difficult. My husband, he, he went after my son when I got away. He's very destructive. This meditation, it helped me go, okay, no, I deserve this. I can do this, I can get through this. Anne (03:05):It helps you feel more calm? Lily (03:08):Yeah. 'cause my son has an anxiety disorder at this point, and so he feeds off of my anxiety.

Transcribed - Published: 23 January 2024

Brand New Meditations For Betrayal & Abuse Victims

This episode is Part 1 of The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop series.Part 1: Brand New Meditations For Victims of Abuse & Betrayal (this episode)Part 2: Find Peace & Calm With Our New BTR MeditationsPart 3: New Meditations: Are You Ready to Start Healing? If you've experienced abuse and betrayal, you know chaos and despair. You also know deep yearning for peace and healing - and that's why Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG created The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop. Pat, a member of the BTR.ORG community, shares her insights after taking this workshop - tune in and read the full transcript below for more. Empowerment. Release. Safety. Pat uses powerful words to describe her experiences with The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop. She was able to process her own trauma in new ways - while also developing a determination to teach her children how to identify and establish safety for themselves. BTR.ORG Is Here For You As you work toward safety and healing, know that we are here for you. Navigating betrayal trauma and emotional abuse is extremely difficult - even more so without a supportive community. BTR.ORG exists to support you on your healing journey. Enroll in The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop today and begin to feel the peace and empowerment that you deserve. Full Transcript: Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. So over the years, I found that for me, meditation was the most healing activity that I could do. I found meditations on YouTube and other places, and I would meditate. In my head, I'd always have to change it up a little bit for my own specific situation because they've been so healing to me. I decided to write meditations for you, for us women in our situation. (01:58):So the meditations that I wrote and recorded and edited, they are for women who are currently experiencing or who have experienced emotional or psychological abuse. Whether you're married or divorced or separated, they're for you and I'm so excited to get these into your hands so that you can start using them to heal. If the meditations sound like something that you want to try for your healing, enroll in The Meditation Workshop. I've invited a member of our community, I'm going to call her Pat, and she has been through the meditations and she's going to share her experience. So Pat, what was your favorite thing about the meditations? Processing Safety Through Meditations Pat (02:44):I love the focus on safety, and I don't think quite honestly, we talk about safety enough in our culture with women. Also, I appreciated the process of walking the idea of safety in all aspects of my life and then having the opportunity to release it. I found myself during the time that I was listening to the meditations contemplating safety in my life. It really opened the door for me to process. I realized that I have not felt safe in my environment ever. especially with my ex-husband. but I see how it was a really slippery slope with being numb to safety in my immediate environment during my marriage because in my culture, safety wasn't the norm. It was very helpful. "I am feeling more empowered to help [my daughters] process sa...

Transcribed - Published: 16 January 2024

Male Entitlement to Women’s Bodies: The Ugly Truth

This episode is Part 2 of Anne's interview with Rachel Moran.Part 1: "Consent" Is Harming Us: What You Need to Know Part 2: Male Entitlement to Women's Bodies: The Ugly Truth (this episode) "A Muslim woman from Romania, she'd only been living in Ireland for three weeks at the time that she was killed. A Middle Eastern man who had only been here a couple of months killed her. He killed her because she was a Muslim woman in the western world, sleeping with the infidels. This is what his whole thinking was. They arrested him the next day up in Belfast. He was arguing that they would have to grant him bail because they couldn't possibly pander to his religious convictions if they detained him in prison. He didn't turn up there for a sexual encounter. He killed her in one minute, 57 seconds. That's how long it took him to arrive at her apartment, walk in, murder her, and leave under two minutes. It exemplifies the level and the nature of the brutality that we're dealing with." - Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International Male entitlement to women's bodies is a driving force behind domestic abuse, sexual violence, and homicide. Rachel Moran is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast, taking a deep dive into the subject of male entitlement. Tune into the podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Why Do Men Feel Entitled to Women & Girls? "First of all, society breeds into it into men when they're boys. It doesn't just appear." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International Rachel and Anne work through the origins of male entitlement. It's important to understand that male entitlement isn't biological - there is hope. Just as boys learn to feel ownership over women's bodies, they can learn to be respectful, caring, and observant of autonomy. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Your body is yours - but that's hard to understand when you've experienced sexual coercion, gaslighting, and intimate partner violence. Please seek safety and support. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Today we have Rachel Moran back on today's episode. She's an Irish journalist and she's also the International Director of Policy and Advocacy at the National Center on Sexual Exploitation. If you did not listen last week, start there and then join us here. You'll hear her entire bio. On the episode from last week, we were talking about the problems with consent as the genexplained and described in the general population and how that is in so many ways endangering victims of abuse. So we'll start there. Rachel (02:05):Back again to that term consent. People will simply look at it and say, oh, but you consented. So what's the harm? Or, oh, but she consented. So she has nobody to blame but herself. And that's another really dangerous aspect of the term consent, the way that we use it to excuse, you know, so society uses it in all sorts of, of harmful ways, and that's one of them. Marriage does NOT equal "consent" Anne (02:32):Women who are in an abusive marriage, their husband is abusive. He could say that she consented to marriage. Rachel (02:42):Yeah.

Transcribed - Published: 9 January 2024

7 Startling Reasons Men Feel Entitled to Women’s Bodies

What causes male entitlement to women's bodies? Read the layered and complex reasons why some men haven't figured out that women are autonomous individuals.

Transcribed - Published: 9 January 2024

“Consent” Is Harming Us: What You Need to Know

This episode is Part 1 of Anne's interview with Rachel Moran. Part 1: "Consent" Is Harming Us - Here's What You Need to Know (this episode)Part 2: Male Entitlement to Women's Bodies: The Ugly Truth What if the term consent has been harming women all along? Rachel Moran, founder of Space International and author of Paid For, My Journey Through Prostitution, shares her incredible insights and offers correct language that affirms sexual autonomy. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below or more. Here's How the Term "Consent" is Harming Women "The concept of consent is the biggest part of the problem. People say to themselves, oh, well, she consented.  And as long as those women are consenting, well, then no harm, no foul. But the term consent and the concept of consent is misplaced - not only in prostitution, but in conversations about every kind of sexual exchange. Because sex is supposed to be about mutuality, not consent. The term consent is far better suited for commercial exchanges or other kinds of exchanges that are not human, deeply human in their interactions. As soon as we start talking about consent, we remove the intimacy. We remove what it is that actually passes between two people in a sexual exchange and it's not supposed to involve money or any kind of coercion." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International Let's Use "Sexual Mutuality" "The thing is that there is a daily tsunami of abuse and violation that's not only covered up, concealed, but actually condoned through the use of the word consent. At this point, I think it's a frankly dangerous word. In prostitution, it's a sexual one-way street. He's getting the sex that he wants. She's getting the money that she needs. And there is no mutuality whatsoever, which is exactly why the term consent is misapplied. Let's talk about mutuality, sexual mutuality, because what you're talking about there is a sexual two-way street. And I really do think mutuality is that word." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International  BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we understand the pain of processing sexual coercion in an intimate relationship. Please don't bear this trauma alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Rachel founded and led Space International, an international organization formed to give voice to women who have survived the abusive reality of prostitution. She's also the author of the best-selling book Paid For, My Journey Through Prostitution. This book is regarded by legal scholar Katherine McKinnon as the best work by anyone on prostitution ever. (02:16):We are so excited to have you on. Thank you so much for your time, Rachel.

Transcribed - Published: 2 January 2024

“Consent” Is Harming Us – Here’s How

What if the term consent has been harming women all along by reinforcing the idea that sex is a transaction that men are entitled to? Rachel Moran, founder of Space International and author of Paid For, My Journey Through Prostitution, shares her incredible insights and offers correct language that affirms sexual autonomy. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below or more. Here's How the Term "Consent" is Harming Women "The concept of consent is the biggest part of the problem. People say to themselves, oh, well, she consented. And as long as those women are consenting, well, then no harm, no foul. But the term consent and the concept of consent is misplaced - not only in prostitution, but in conversations about every kind of sexual exchange. Because sex is supposed to be about mutuality, not consent. The term consent is far better suited for commercial exchanges or other kinds of exchanges that are not human, deeply human in their interactions. As soon as we start talking about consent, we remove the intimacy. We remove what it is that actually passes between two people in a sexual exchange and it's not supposed to involve money or any kind of coercion." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International Let's Use "Sexual Mutuality" "The thing is that there is a daily tsunami of abuse and violation that's not only covered up, concealed, but actually condoned through the use of the word consent. At this point, I think it's a frankly dangerous word. In prostitution, it's a sexual one-way street. He's getting the sex that he wants. She's getting the money that she needs. And there is no mutuality whatsoever, which is exactly why the term consent is misapplied. Let's talk about mutuality, sexual mutuality, because what you're talking about there is a sexual two-way street. And I really do think mutuality is that word." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we understand the pain of processing sexual coercion in an intimate relationship. Please don't bear this trauma alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Rachel founded and led Space International, an international organization formed to give voice to women who have survived the abusive reality of prostitution. She's also the author of the best-selling book Paid For, My Journey Through Prostitution, regarded by legal scholar Katherine McKinnon as the best work by anyone on prostitution ever. (02:16): We are so excited to have you on. Thank you so much for your time, Rachel. Rachel (02:21): Thank you so much for having me. Prostitution, Sex Trafficking, and Male Entitlement to Women's Bodies Anne (02:23): We're going to talk today about prostitution and sex trafficking and we appreciate all that you've done to help women survivors all over the world. So let's start with the fundamental issue of men having this sense of entitlement to women's bodies. Rachel (02:43): It's existed across time, but it's changed shape, if you know what I'm saying, and intensity also across time. And I think in the last 20, 25 years or so since we've had the Internet, social media, all these different mechanisms through which men are bombarded with that message every day. Especially when you're talking about, you know, 20-something young guys today, they never lived in a world without the Internet. They cannot conceive of it. I'll be eternally grateful that I was born in the mid-1970s and I'll always be able to see the Internet as something that came along at one particular point in time and wasn't always there.

Transcribed - Published: 2 January 2024

Everything You Need to Know About Gaslighting

This post is part of a series. Join us for: Part 1: I Think My Husband is Gaslighting Me What does gaslighting look like? How do successful, intelligent women end up in relationships with manipulative gaslighters? How can victims begin to seek safety from gaslighters? Dr. Robin Stern is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast answering these questions and more. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Let's Talk About Gaslighting "I don't know if you're right or you're not right. But I know that I just can't be with you anymore." - Dr. Robin Stern Gaslighting is so difficult to identify that many victims don't even know that they're being abused. For some victims, it's helpful to know that you don't have to be able to articulate what's happening - you just have to listen to your heart as you recognize that what's happening is not okay. This podcast episode detail BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR, we know how painful it can be to live in the confusing world of grooming and gaslighting. At one moment, things may be crystal clear, and the next you may feel like you're living in a puddle of mud and confusion. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today as you begin your journey to healing. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Dr. Robin Stern and I had such a great time talking last week. She's from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. We ended last week talking about when abusers abuse by claiming they are being abused. When they abuse their victims by lying about their own feelings, manipulating them or telling some kind of sob story to make their victim seem like the perpetrator. Dr. Robin Stern (02:04): It's what you do about your feelings and with your feelings and in a relationship, how you bring your feelings in in those moments of co-regulating. Abusers & Therapy Anne (02:14): There's a pitfall with abusers and therapy. The pitfall is that they know what the right answer is. They know that if they say they are being abused, then someone will be like, those are your feelings. I truly believe that a lot of the time they are lying because they know what they need to say to gain empathy or to gain validation. When the compulsive liar, when they tell you their quote unquote feelings, I'm not saying that we should discount people's feelings. That is not what I'm saying. But a known compulsive liar and a known abuser, knowing that they are going to lie about their own feelings in order to manipulate people. Dr. Robin Stern (02:58): Yes, very often. Absolutely. "This is how they manipulate." Anne (03:00): For someone to say, I'm going to take this known manipulative person and this known compulsive liar and be like, oh, you're feeling sad? Okay. And not be like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This is how they manipulate. So they might not be feeling sad at all. We don't actually know how they actually feel because they won't ever tell you. Dr. Robin Stern (03:19): And we don't know how other people feel. We can only know when they tell us. And if they lie to us as well as themselves, especially to us, there's no authentic communication. The goal is not to sit there and say, oh, so you're feeling abused or you're feeling sad. Let's talk more about that. So then what did you do? If somebody's telling you in a moment about an interaction, what was the interaction? What are the consequences with your wife when you feel that? Well, the consequence in this case was violence. And that's not okay. That's abuse.

Transcribed - Published: 26 December 2023

“I Think My Husband Is Gaslighting Me”

This is Part 1 of Anne's interview with Dr. Stern. Part 1: "I Think My Husband is Gaslighting Me" (this episode) Part 2: Everything You Need to Know About Gaslighting "I think my husband is gaslighting me; am I crazy?" If you've asked yourself this question, you're in the right place. Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, is on The BTR.ORG Podcast. An expert on gaslighting, Dr. Stern is detailing the three types of gaslighters and the tactics they use to make YOU feel crazy. Are you ready for the information and validation you need and deserve? The Glamorous Gaslighter "He brings glamour into your life, buys you gifts, showers you with love and affection, tells you you're amazing, makes you feel like the most special person in the world and that the two of you are soulmates. You have something that is so special. Then after he has been missing for a couple of days, or after he won't answer your questions or has lied to you, and you're feeling confused and crazy and complaining about that, he will come in and shower you with everything I just said. You're so amazing. Don't you know how much I love you?" - Dr. Robin Stern Anne shares that the glamorous gaslighter grooms victims by using manipulative kindness - a tactic that lures victims into believing they're loved and safe. The Good Guy Gaslighter "He's someone who people really like. He's very accommodating - even in the way he approaches you and talks through things. It's hard to spot the good guy gaslighter because often you end up getting what you want on the surface." - Dr. Robin Stern The good guy gaslighter uses covert abuse to condition everyone, including the victim, into believing that the victim is the problem, rather than his deceit and manipulation. The Intimidator Gaslighter "Somebody who's a bully, somebody who uses verbal abuse, somebody who might be on the threshold of using physical violence." - Dr. Robin Stern The intimidator gaslighter may seem easier to identify - however, Dr. Stern shares an example of an intimidator gaslighter turning tables on a victim so covertly that Dr. Stern's team had difficulty identifying the gaslighting in a scenario where the abuser had used physical violence against the victim. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Gaslighting is notoriously difficult to identify and seek safety from. BTR.ORG is here for you. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today as you begin your journey to safety. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.org. This is Anne. I am delighted to have Dr. Robin Stern on today's episode. She is the co-founder and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a senior consultant at the Yale New Haven Hospital. (01:40): She is a licensed psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience treating individuals, couples and families. She's the author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life and The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide: Your Personal Journey Toward Healing from Emotional Abuse. Dr. Stern has been a guest on many local and national radio shows and has traveled widely to lecture on emotional intelligence, women in leadership, and relational bullying. Welcome, Dr. Stern. Dr. Robin Stern (02:12): Thank you so much, Anne. Thank you so much for having me on this show and for doing this work to help women. I'm delighted. What is Gaslighting? Anne (02:21): Let's start with the definition of gaslighting since you're the gaslighting expert.

Transcribed - Published: 19 December 2023

I Think My Husband Is Gaslighting Me

"Am I crazy?" If you've asked yourself this question, you're in the right place. Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, is on The BTR.ORG Podcast. An expert on gaslighting, Dr. Stern is detailing the three types of gaslighters and the tactics they use to make victims feel crazy. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more. The Glamorous Gaslighter "He brings glamour into your life, buys you gifts, showers you with love and affection, tells you you're amazing, makes you feel like the most special person in the world and that the two of you are soulmates. You have something that is so special. Then after he has been missing for a couple of days, or after he won't answer your questions or has lied to you, and you're feeling confused and crazy and complaining about that, he will come in and shower you with everything I just said. You're so amazing. Don't you know how much I love you?" - Dr. Robin Stern Anne shares that the glamorous gaslighter grooms victims by using manipulative kindness - a tactic that lures victims into believing they're loved and safe. The Good Guy Gaslighter "He's someone who people really like. He's very accommodating - even in the way he approaches you and talks through things. It's hard to spot the good guy gaslighter because often you end up getting what you want on the surface." - Dr. Robin Stern The good guy gaslighter uses covert abuse to condition everyone, including the victim, into believing that the victim is the problem, rather than his deceit and manipulation. The Intimidator Gaslighter "Somebody who's a bully. Somebody who uses verbal abuse. Somebody who might be on the threshold of using physical violence." - Dr. Robin Stern The intimidator gaslighter may seem easier to identify - however, Dr. Stern shares an example of an intimidator gaslighter turning tables on a victim so covertly that Dr. Stern's team had difficulty identifying the gaslighting in a scenario where the abuser had used physical violence against the victim. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Gaslighting is notoriously difficult to identify and seek safety from. BTR.ORG is here for you. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today as you begin your journey to safety. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.org. This is Anne. I am delighted to have Dr. Robin Stern on today's episode. She is the co-founder and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a senior consultant at the Yale New Haven Hospital. (01:40): She is a licensed psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience treating individuals, couples and families. She's the author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life and The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide: Your Personal Journey Toward Healing from Emotional Abuse. Dr. Stern has been a guest on many local and national radio shows and has traveled widely to lecture on emotional intelligence, women in leadership, and relational bullying. Welcome, Dr. Stern. Dr. Robin Stern (02:12): Thank you so much, Anne. Thank you so much for having me on this show and for doing this work to help women. I'm delighted. What is Gaslighting? Anne (02:21): Let's start with the definition of gaslighting since you're the gaslighting expert. Dr. Robin Stern (02:25): So gaslighting is a form of manipulation in a power dynamic where the person more powerful seeks to sow seeds of doubt in the person less powerful in order to lead them to question their memory, their sanity, their character. Anne (02:43):

Transcribed - Published: 19 December 2023

Navigating Pregnancy When You’re in Trauma

This episode is Part 4 of Anne's interview with Paige. Part 1: "Armchair Pathology": What You Need to Know Part 2: Is My Husband Enmeshed With His Mother? Part 3: Can Herbal Medicine Help With Betrayal Trauma Symptoms? Part 4: Navigating Pregnancy When You're in Trauma (this episode) It's often difficult to identify and then seek safety from abuse and betrayal. But when you're pregnant? It can be even more difficult - your body, hormones, and immediate future require nourishment, attention, and focus. Paige is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast with Anne, and together, they share their experiences of processing trauma while pregnant. I'm Pregnant, and I'm in Trauma - Help! If you're pregnant and experiencing trauma as a result of your partner's infidelity and emotional or psychological abuse and sexual coercion, consider that your safety and health are the number one priorities right now. Paige shares some steps that you may consider taking right away to work toward creating safety so that you and your baby can experience the health that you deserve: * Confide in your practitioner about the abuse and trauma, if it's safe to do so. * Prioritize hydration and nutrition, making sure that your physical needs are met. * Tune in to your body, and consider putting physical proximity between yourself and the abuser so that a degree of calm is established within your body and the physical space that you are living in. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we understand the inner conflict between wanting the relationship to work out so that the child has two parents, and wanting to create safety and independence away from the abuser so that the child doesn't have to feel the same fear, emotional dysregulation, and panic that you experience as a result of your partner's behaviors. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session - joining a safe community offers victims a space to process trauma. We'd love to see you in a session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. (00:56): Paige, a member of our community, is back today. We're continuing our conversation. We started talking a few weeks ago, so go back to the beginning. Listen to that first if you haven't yet, and then join us here today. Paige and I start off talking about the different ways to heal, how there are lots of different options for victims. I'm going to start off talking about the things that helped me. Exploring Healing Strategies (01:51): I really love meditation. I love yoga, I love walks. I love hikes outside. Are you interested in essential oils or herbal remedies? As you experiment with healthy coping strategies, you can see what works for you because everybody's different. I know it's not all, but the majority of my listeners have experienced a pregnancy at one point in their lives. Some may be pregnant now. Complications due to Trauma & Abuse As a midwife, can you talk a little bit about experiencing emotional and psychological abuse and experiencing betrayal when you are pregnant? I had some super traumatic things occur, as I'm sure so many women have who listened. When I was pregnant, I ended up on bedrest. Especially with my first son, my husband was extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive. I couldn't get out of bed, and I had pretty severe contractions. In the end, my cervix would not open, not even a little bit. Not even after 36 hours of Pitocin, so I had to have a C-section. I had a lot of pregnancy complications.

Transcribed - Published: 12 December 2023

I’m Pregnant and In Trauma – Help Me!

This post is part of a series. Join us for: Part 1: The Dangers of Armchair Pathology Part 2: Is My Husband Enmeshed With His Mother? Part 3: Can Herbal Medicine Help With Betrayal Trauma Symptoms? It's often difficult to identify and then seek safety from abuse and betrayal. But when you're pregnant? It can be even more difficult - your body, hormones, and immediate future require nourishment, attention, and focus. Paige is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast with Anne, and together, they share their experiences of processing trauma while pregnant. Tune in the The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more. I'm Pregnant, and I'm in Trauma - Help! If you're pregnant and experiencing trauma as a result of your partner's infidelity and emotional or psychological abuse and sexual coercion, consider that your safety and health are the number one priorities right now. Paige shares some steps that you may consider taking right away to work toward creating safety so that you and your baby can experience the health that you deserve: * Confide in your practitioner about the abuse and trauma, if it's safe to do so. * Prioritize hydration and nutrition, making sure that your physical needs are met. * Tune in to your body, and consider putting physical proximity between yourself and the abuser so that a degree of calm is established within your body and the physical space that you are living in. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we understand the inner conflict between wanting the relationship to work out so that the child has two parents, and wanting to create safety and independence away from the abuser so that the child doesn't have to feel the same fear, emotional dysregulation, and panic that you experience as a result of your partner's behaviors. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session - joining a safe community offers victims a space to process trauma. We'd love to see you in a session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. (00:56): Paige, a member of our community, is back today. We're continuing our conversation. We started talking a few weeks ago, so go back to the beginning. Listen to that first if you haven't yet, and then join us here today. Paige and I start off talking about the different ways to heal, how there are lots of different options for victims. I'm going to start off talking about the things that helped me. Exploring Healing Strategies (01:51): I really love meditation. I love yoga. I love walks. I love hikes outside. Some women are interested in herbal remedies. Some women are interested in essential oils. As you experiment with healthy coping strategies, you can see what works for you because everybody's different. I know it's not all, but the majority of my listeners have experienced a pregnancy at one point in their lives, and some may be pregnant now. As a midwife, can you talk a little bit about experiencing emotional and psychological abuse and experiencing betrayal when you are pregnant? I had some super traumatic things occur, as I'm sure so many women have who listened. When I was pregnant, especially with my first son, it was so emotionally abusive and crazy and just awful that I ended up on bedrest. I couldn't get out of bed, and I had pretty severe contractions. In the end, my cervix would not open, not even a little bit, not even after 36 hours of Pitocin, so I had to have a C-section. I had a lot of pregnancy complications,

Transcribed - Published: 12 December 2023

Can Herbal Medicine Help Betrayal Trauma Symptoms?

This post is part of a series. Join us for: Part 1: The Dangers of Armchair Pathology Part 2: Is My Husband Enmeshed With His Mother? Just as every victim experiences betrayal trauma symptoms differently, victims also find comfort and healing using different healing modalities. Paige is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast, discussing herbal medicines for betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma affects the body It's important for victims of betrayal and abuse to understand that our bodies can be deeply affected, even when physical violence is never used. Many women in our community express that they have experienced: * Depression * Anxiety * Sleep issues * Digestive issues * Autoimmune diseases * Paranoia * Chronic pain, including pelvic pain Can herbal medicines help me heal from betrayal trauma? In our community, we've found that the only way for women to even begin healing from betrayal trauma and abuse, is to seek safety. Healing modalities, like herbal remedies, medical care, meditation, and therapy, can often help women gain the mental clarity and strength that they need to develop safety - and work toward greater healing in the aftermath of achieving safety. BTR.ORG is here for you At BTR.ORG, we know how desperately victims desire healing and peace. Please prioritize your safety and understand that healing can only occur where safety is present. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have Paige back on the episode today. We were talking about boundaries with her in-laws, and I started talking about our Living Free Workshop, which teaches victims strategies for how to think and communicate and how to set boundaries. We include tactical strategy for how to set boundaries that is more safe and also thought tactics and communication tactics to deal with abusers. Generally speaking, we're talking about abusive husbands, but these strategic things work with all kinds of abusive people. Knowing what strategies to use is really important, so if you're interested in that, check out our website. It's a really cool workshop. I want everyone who listens to the podcast to take it because it's the foundation of all the basic tactical things to keep yourself safe. We don't promote divorce here. We're all about safety. Have you taken our Living Free Workshop yet? Safety is going to look different for everybody. It's more about recognizing what's unsafe and being able to separate yourself from the harm in ways that are safe rather than in ways that might injure you more. Because I did a lot of things trying to be safe that I was doing the best I could. So it wasn't necessarily my fault, but my lack of education about what to do, and there wasn't anyone to give me the education. So it also wasn't my fault, but injured me further unfortunately. So that's what we're trying to avoid by offering that Living Free Workshop. So in addition to knowing tactical strategies, how to think about the situation and how to communicate, and none of these things are victim blaming issues. We at BTR see victims as just injured through no fault of their own, and then we are helping them gain skills to heal and to get to safety, but not because they're not smart or not because they didn't make good choices or anything like that, but just because that type of education wasn't available for whatever reason. And so that's what we do here.

Transcribed - Published: 5 December 2023

Is My Husband Enmeshed With His Mother?

This post is part of a series. Join us for Part One: The Dangers of Armchair Pathology and Part Three: Can Herbal Medicine Help Heal Betrayal Trauma Symptoms? Enmeshment is a concept that can be difficult to understand, especially in the context of betrayal trauma and abuse. Paige is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast, discussing enmeshment. Read the full transcript below for more. What is enmeshment? "Enmeshment in itself is too much closeness, but it's too much closeness and involvement at a cost to one's own journey or independence or autonomy." Paige, Member of the BTR.ORG Community Are enmeshed-men responsible for their abusiveness? As Anne explains in this podcast episode, victims may be reluctant to hold abusers accountable if they exhibit traits of mother-enmeshed men. However, it's important to understand that many adults carry childhood and trauma, including enmeshment, and still do not choose to abuse others. BTR.ORG Is Here For You As you listen to this episode and learn more about enmeshment, remember that our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe place to process your experiences and emotions. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have Paige, a member of our community back on today's episode. If you didn't listen to last week, start there and then join us here. We're going to start with what we ended with last week talking about how dangerous it is to put a bunch of victims in a room and then tell them that they're broken rather than tell them that they're brave. Look at their own character defects rather than realizing, wait, wait, wait. We're victims of abuse. We're strong, we're brave. We can get to safety. Just thinking back on that is taking my breath away right now. Like, Ugh, that was just so yucky.. Paige (03:50): Well, and it's the hope to not have somebody else experiencing that yuckiness. I spent a lot of my childhood in 12 step meetings because we'd go along with our parent and then my spouse started CR. Anne (04:11): CR, what's that? 12-Step Programs - "This is not my jam" Paige (04:14): Celebrate Recovery. When he started with that 12 step program and going to their meetings, they had a family type meal beforehand and this and that, and so I'd go for the meal and then I'd leave because I was like, this is not my jam. It's just not for me. And I had people, especially women within their group that would stand near the door to try and interact with me, to stop me as I was leaving in very passive aggressive ways and my husband in witnessing that and in knowing me, he started just escorting me to the door because he is like, no, if my wife wants to leave, if she doesn't want to be a part of this, I'm going to physically be a barrier because he wasn't going to allow further abuse. Anne (05:13): Coercion, right? "I'm not keen to participate in models that essentially enable abusers" Paige (05:15): Coercion. Further coercion, yeah, that's a great word for it. He wasn't going to allow that to continue, and I certainly was getting really frustrated with it where I'm just like, let's talk about some of these steps. In all honesty, lemme be real direct with, and I get that they found their own identity and healing and stuff in those models. I'm just not keen to participate in models that essentially enable abusers because so much of it, they use terminology to gaslight partners or be like, oh, just stay on your side of the street. Anne (06:02): I think the ethical answer would be, get off the street.

Transcribed - Published: 28 November 2023

The Dangers of Armchair Pathology

Armchair Pathology: The pathologizing (diagnosing, whether by a formal diagnosis or simply a suggestion) of an individual without thorough, knowledge-based, individualized care by a provider or advocate. In other words, when a provider or advocate labels a victim with certain pathology without spending time actually treating or working with that individual. Paige is on The BTR.ORG Podcast explaining the dangers of armchair psychology. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Why is "Armchair Pathology" a Dangerous Practice? The symptoms of trauma often mimic mental illnesses, disorders, and pseudo-psychological conditions (like "codependency"). Meaning that when providers do not factor in trauma and abuse to a client's profile, any diagnosis or suggestion can be completely inaccurate. Have YOU Experienced the Dangers of "Armchair Pathology"? Some victims have experienced the dangers of armchair pathology without even realizing it - because this practice has become so normalized. You can ask yourself these questions: * Have I been "diagnosed" with a mental illness, disorder, or something else without ever having visited a provider? * Have I been prescribed medication without having been given a diagnosis? * Was I given a serious diagnosis after only one visit, or after a telehealth appointment? * Was I given a serious diagnosis after my husband spoke with the provider? BTR.ORG Is Here For You Too many women are subjected to severe abuse by so-called experts who push medication and wrongful diagnoses on them, without factoring in the effects of trauma and abuse. If you worry that you may be experiencing the dangers of armchair pathology, please seek support right away. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today to process your experiences. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have a member of our community. We're going to call her Paige on today's episode. Welcome, Paige. Paige (03:19): Hi, thanks for having me. What is "Armchair Pathologizing"? Anne (03:21): Paige came on today's episode to address a variety of topics and we're going to start with armchair pathologizing of victims. So Paige, what is armchair pathologizing? Paige (03:34): It is when people are labeled with a disorder or a diagnosis without actually having had interactions or contact with a provider or advocate. Anne (03:51): Can you give some examples of that? Examples of "Armchair Pathology" Paige (03:53): One great example is we see it a lot with celebrities where you have experts in psychological fields say, oh, well this person obviously has narcissistic personality disorder, or this person's presenting with borderline personality disorder when these professionals don't have a relationship with these individuals, so they're just observing things from the outside and not actually treating them in any capacity, which makes their statements unethical. We see it a lot in the betrayal trauma community where, oh, well, you're just not healed enough or You're just triggered because you're not healed. Especially when women are countering the narrative that they are codependent or trauma bonded or any of these victim blaming labels and they're like, no, that's not the case. I'm actively being abused and this is why what you're saying is harmful and perpetuating that abuse and that abuse mindset, and then they're just dismissed as not being healed that they just don't understand because they're not healed, they're triggered. Does anger = a lack of healing? (Spoiler - no!)

Transcribed - Published: 21 November 2023

“Armchair Pathology”: What YOU Need to Know

This episode is Part 3 of Anne's interview with Paige. Part 1: "Armchair Pathology": What You Need to Know (this episode) Part 2: Is My Husband Enmeshed With His Mother? Part 3: Can Herbal Medicine Help With Betrayal Trauma Symptoms? Part 4: Navigating Pregnancy When You're in Trauma Armchair Pathology: The pathologizing (diagnosing, whether by a formal diagnosis or simply a suggestion) of an individual without thorough, knowledge-based, individualized care by a provider or advocate. In other words, when a provider or advocate labels a victim with certain pathology without spending time actually treating or working with that individual. Paige is on The BTR.ORG Podcast explaining the dangers of armchair psychology. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Why is "Armchair Pathology" a Dangerous Practice? The symptoms of trauma often mimic mental illnesses, disorders, and pseudo-psychological conditions (like "codependency"). Meaning that when providers do not factor in trauma and abuse to a client's profile, any diagnosis or suggestion can be completely inaccurate. Have YOU Experienced the Dangers of "Armchair Pathology"? Some victims have experienced the dangers of armchair pathology without even realizing it - because this practice has become so normalized. You can ask yourself these questions: * Has a provider or advocate diagnosed me with a mental illness, disorder, or something else, without ever having seen or spoken with me? * Have I been prescribed medication without having been given a diagnosis? * Was I given a serious diagnosis after only one visit, or after a telehealth appointment? * Did the provider give me a diagnosis after speaking with my husband? BTR.ORG Is Here For You Too many so-called experts subject women to severe harm. If you worry that you may be experiencing the dangers of armchair pathology, please seek support right away. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today to process your experiences. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have a member of our community. We're going to call her Paige on today's episode. Welcome, Paige. Paige (03:19): Hi. Thanks for having me. What is "Armchair Pathologizing"? Anne (03:21): Paige came on today's episode to address a variety of topics. We're going to start with armchair pathologizing of victims. So Paige, what is armchair pathologizing? Paige (03:34): It is when peopleare labeled with a disorder or a diagnosis without actually having had interactions or contact with a provider or advocate. Anne (03:51): Can you give some examples of that? Examples of "Armchair Pathology" Paige (03:53): One great example is we see it a lot with celebrities. Expert in psychological fields say, oh, well this person obviously has narcissistic personality disorder. Or this person's presenting with borderline personality disorder. But these professionals don't have a relationship with these individuals. So they're just observing things from the outside and not actually treating them in any capacity. Which makes their statements unethical. We see it a lot in the betrayal trauma community. Oh, well, you're just not healed enough. You're just triggered because you're not healed. Especially when women are countering the narrative that they are codependent or trauma bonded or any of these victim blaming labels and they're li...

Transcribed - Published: 21 November 2023

Are You Ready to Experience Post-Traumatic Growth?

Post-traumatic growth may feel like a dream that's out of reach if you've been a victim of betrayal trauma and emotional and psychological abuse. But Simona Nicolais' research findings show us that post-traumatic growth is absolutely attainable for victims. Read the full transcript below and listen to The BTR.ORG Podcast for more. It's Post-Traumatic Growth - Not Current-Traumatic Growth Victims are often conditioned to believe that they should be changing and growing despite the onslaught of pain and trauma that comes from sexual coercion, gaslighting, emotional abuse, and financial control. Abusers expect victims to walk on eggshells, perform their "roles" perfectly, and thrive in every aspect of life. Of course, at BTR.ORG, we know that when you're facing active abuse, even surviving day-to-day life can feel unbearable. Post-Traumatic Growth is possible when victims have courageously placed proximity between themselves and the harmful behavior. 3 Steps Toward Post-Traumatic Growth If you're wondering how to begin your journey toward Post-Traumatic Growth, you might consider taking these initial steps: * Identify the source of the trauma - what forms of abuse are you experiencing? * Seek support as you begin to process the reality of abuse and plan how you will establish proximity between yourself and the harmful behaviors that are causing trauma. * Implement action steps to remove yourself from harmful situations, people, and behaviors. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we know how difficult it is to accept that you're experiencing abuse. We also know how hopeful it is to know that Post-Traumatic Growth is a real possibility after betrayal. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today to begin processing your experiences. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I am so excited to introduce to you Simona Nicolais. I recently met her. She is incredible, and she is a doctoral student at Auburn University. She's a licensed therapist and she is doing her doctoral studies on post-traumatic growth. I was lucky enough to be able to participate in her study as well as many women in our BTR community, so I wanted to have her on to talk about her study and talk about the things that she's doing currently. She works in private practice in Birmingham, Alabama, and she specializes in working with partners of porn addicts and sex addicts. So welcome, Simona. Simona (03:51): Well, thank you, Anne. I am so excited to be with you and thanks for having me on your podcast. Studying Post-Traumatic Growth Anne (03:58): Yes, so we were talking when I was participating in your study. It was really interesting, and then we had a conversation after that was really interesting. So let's just talk about your study, first of all, and then some of the things that we discussed. Let's start with your study, Simona (04:16): By the way, I loved having you on my study as a participant. I realized that there's a gap in literature surrounding post-traumatic growth, which is really the growth that people experience after a whole lot of suffering and a whole lot of trauma. And I just wanted to study post-traumatic growth in partners of porn and sex addicts, which is a population that I work with. I got interested in this subject because over the years I would start seeing partners and the beginning was really rough, and we all know that just the first six months, people come in and they are so disoriented and just not knowing if there's anything good after this and if they will survive it, if they will ever make meaning of this, if they will find hope or life after,

Transcribed - Published: 14 November 2023

My Husband Lies About Small Things – I’m Worried

This interview is part of a series. Join us here for part one: What You Need to Know About Emotional & Psychological Abuse The French Fry Analogy Anne and Virginia use the "French Fry Analogy" on this podcast interview to explain why lying, gaslighting, and blame-shifting about "small things" can be a HUGE red flag. In this analogy, your husband tells you that he's made the decision to stop eating from McDonald's for his health. But when you're using his car one day, you lose a quarter and as you search for it, you happen upon a McDonald's French Fry: "When you were like, 'Hey, where's this french fry from?' If he's a healthy person, he might say something to you like, 'Oh, I know I forgot to tell you, but I wanted to stop eating McDonald's. But I did go and I ate french fries. One of 'em must have gone missing; I'm embarrassed about it and I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep doing my goal right now." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG A "Small Lie" Can Indicate BIG Problems "Let's pretend that that whole scenario is the same, but instead when you find that french fry, you go in and you say, 'Hey, I found this french fry.' And they say to you, 'I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even see a french fry.' Or, 'I don't know how that got there. One of the kids must've had french fries and got in my car and dropped it there,' and they start gaslighting and lying. They would not be a healthy person. That would be psychological abuse and emotional abuse, even if it was just about a french fry, deceit and gaslighting and turning the tables. And then to take it even further, if they were like, 'Why were you going through my car and why are you trying to check up on me?' And maybe even, 'I don't even know what you're talking about. I never told you that I wasn't going to eat at McDonald's. Of course I'm going to eat at McDonald's.' So you can see all the levels of abuse that might happen due to that french fry if the person was abusive." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG It Doesn't Matter if It's About Something Big Or Small A Lie is Still a Lie Gaslighting, blame-shifting, lying, deception, and turning-tables are emotional and psychological abuse - whether they're about a french fry, infidelity, finances, or anything else. Emotional and psychological abuse do severe harm to victims. If your husband is employing these tactics about small things, consider that you may not be experiencing emotional and psychological safety. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we offer resources to help you identify and process reality. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Virginia is back on the podcast. Today we're talking about other modes of learning through metaphors. We talked about infographics last week. We're also going to talk about the meditations. If you missed last week, start there first and then join us here, and we're just going to jump right in. So Virginia was mentioning that a while back that I had said just a little bit about this analogy that we call The French Fry Analogy, and she had searched around on our website to try and find it and she couldn't find it. (03:44): So we are going to go over it again today just in case our memory is not serving us correctly, and perhaps I didn't talk about it on the podcast, but it's a really good analogy. So here's the analogy that she was like, Hey, you should talk about this again. Alright, so let's pretend like your husband is a healthy person, that he's not emotionally or psychologically abusive,

Transcribed - Published: 7 November 2023

What You Need to Know About Emotional Abuse

Is it just the reality of marriage - that there are ups and downs? Good and bad times? Or are you experiencing emotional and psychological abuse? Anne and Virginia, a member of the BTR.ORG community, are discussing the realities of hidden abuse - and what you need to know about emotional and psychological abuse. Tune into the BTR.ORG podcast and read the full transcript below. What do emotionally & psychologically abusive marriages look like? For many women in our community, including Virginia, emotionally and psychologically abusive marriages follow cycles of seemingly peaceful, connected, and intimate times - followed by disconnected, confusing, and sometimes overtly abusive times. What do "Good Times" with an emotional abuser look like? Victims express that the good times are so good. The abuser seems to make real effort to change, including: * Attending therapy * Attending church * Attending 12-step programs * Being engaged with the family * Halting pornography use, or using it less * Being more respectful and kind at home * Being more responsible with substance use * Being more responsible with money * Encouraging or allowing the victim to practice self-care, including joining support groups Victims may feel hesitant to bring up the "bad times" so that they can just enjoy the "good" portion of the cycle. They may feel that they're walking on eggshells in order to prolong the "healthy" period. They may hope and believe that the "good" or "healthy" period is permanent and then feel devastated when the "good" period ends. Think of "Good" as "Grooming" At BTR, we've come to understand that the "good" part of the cycle is often the abuser simply grooming the victim. "Relapse" into abusive behaviors is not part of the recovery process. In fact, it's an important part of understanding that the abuser wasn't actually doing those seemingly healthy behaviors to permanently change because they want to become a healthy, kind person - they were doing it to keep the victim engaged in the relationship. What do "Bad Times" with an emotional abuser look like? When the grooming is over, the abuser may: * Stop attending any meetings (church, 12-step, therapy) and insist that the victim "forced", "coerced", "manipulated", or "threatened" them into going. * Become hostile, violent, angry, or passive aggressive toward the victim/family. * Begin sexually acting out and may lie or gaslight about it. * Gaslight the victim into believing that any problems he once admitted to are non-existent and that she imagined them or exaggerated them in her head. * Gaslight the victim into believing that she is controlling and is therefore the problem. * Sexually coerce, assault, and/or rape the victim. * Verbally abuse the victim. * Create confusion and chaos with word salad, gaslighting, and other manipulative tools. * Become disengaged and disinterested in the victim and the family. * Become irresponsible, secretive, or controlling with family finances. * Control the victim's privacy and time, insisting that it's for her own safety. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR, we understand the exhaustion, terror, and extreme frustration that comes from the intense pendulum swings of an abuser's behavior. It's devastating. You deserve support - consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have a member of our community on today's episode. We're going to call her Virginia. She's been interacting with us on social media about a few concepts, and so we invited her on to talk about it. Speaking of social media,

Transcribed - Published: 31 October 2023

How To Say No, And When To Say Yes

Emotional and psychological abuse and sexual coercion can make boundaries extremely difficult to understand and implement. The simple boundary of saying yes or no can become cloudy and confusing - so Anne brought her daughter Penny onto the podcast to share her simple philosophy on how to say no and when to say yes. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below. How & When to Say No The general idea is this: If it's unhealthy, harming me, or I don't want to do it AND it's arbitrary, I say no. When someone asks me to do something that I don't want to do or isn't right for me, I'm like, I don't want to do it. So I'm like, "No, thank you." Penny General "No" Tips If you'd like tips on saying no, try: * Saying "no, thank you" politely like Penny. * Choosing not to offer explanations or reasons for your "no". * Communicating your "no" in writing so that you don't have to worry about experiencing trauma if it isn't received in a healthy way. When Should I Say Yes? Saying yes can be just as important as saying no. Just like "no," the basic idea is pretty simple but important: I say yes when it's a healthy choice; I say yes to what I want when it is going to help and heal me. You're Allowed to Change Your Mind Sometimes we say yes when we meant no - or feel coerced or manipulated into saying yes. Sometimes we say no, then later realize we would like to say yes. You're allowed to change your mind! You're allowed to make mistakes! BTR.ORG Is Here For You The reality of boundary-setting is that it's hard - but even more difficult for victims of psychological and emotional abuse. Please have compassion for yourself as you begin your journey - and consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have a really special guest on the podcast today. We're going to call her, because she wanted to be called Vanilla Pea after Vanellope from Wreck-it Ralph, we're going to call her Vanellope, or Penny for short, and she is my eight-year-old daughter. Welcome Penny. Penny (03:33): Hi. I want to teach you how to say, "No, thank you." So if someone that is abusive says do the dishes or do everything, then you could just say, no, thank you. Saying, "No, Thank You" Anne (03:55): So Penny's a very good example. She started doing this on her own. Basically, if somebody asks her something that she doesn't want to do, she very politely and sweetly smiles and says, no. Penny (04:10): Thank you. Anne (04:12): And she says it a lot. Like I might say, Penny, go brush your teeth. Penny (04:18): And then I say, no, thank you. "How do you feel when someone asks you to do something and you don't want to do it? Anne (04:23): How do you feel when someone asks you to do something and you don't want to do it? And then when you respond with the very polite, no thank you, how do you feel inside? Penny (04:36): When someone asks me to do it, I'm like, I don't want to do it. So I'm like, no, thank you. Anne (04:43): You seem very confident when you say it. If I'm like, penny, go brush your teeth and you look at me and you say, no thank you. It's hard for me to be like, wait a minute, you do need to brush your teeth silly. Penny (04:55): And then I actually do it. Anne (04:58): You do go brush your teeth. Penny (04:59): Yeah, or a chore, do the laundry. I say, no, thank you, but I actually do it. "She's not afraid to say no" Anne (05:06):

Transcribed - Published: 24 October 2023

Can I Be a Peacemaker if My Husband is Abusive?

Women often carry the heavy burden of being the peacemaker in the home - which is an impossible task when the chaos of abuse is an ever-present reality. Anne is on the podcast sharing some simple strategies that victims can use to achieve a level of respite from emotional and psychological abuse. Tune in and ready the full transcript below for more. Agree Quickly - It's Strategic If you're in a situation where emotional and psychological abuse is imminent, rather than engage with the abuser, you can quickly and passively agree (if it's safe to do so). Anne shares an example on the podcast: "You can be a peacemaker and you can be safe with the strategy of agreement. So here are some examples. Let's say your husband says something like, well, you don't respect me and you never listen to me. Rather than diving into an argument or pulling out all the times where you did listen to him and how you do respect him, because you always ask his opinion before you spend more than $50 and all the reasons why you are a good person, you can say, 'oh, that's interesting; I haven't thought of that.'" How to Agree with the Abuser 101 Best practice is to appear disinterested and apathetic - the abuser wants to create chaos. We want you to create distance between yourself and the abuse so that you can create safety for yourself. Here are some phrases (along with a disinterested, apathetic impression) to use when you're "agreeing quickly" with the abuser: * Huh, that's interesting. I'll look into it. * I hadn't really given that much thought - thanks. * That may be true. * Fair enough. * Very interesting. I appreciate your thought. * I will definitely give that more thought. * That may be valid. * All opinions are generally worth consideration. * I will consider that. * Yeah, you may be right. Apathetic Agreement Quashes Chaotic Arguments Your apathetic, disinterested "agreement" is a great way to quash his attempts at arguing with you. The word salad, gaslighting, intimidation, and other abusive tactics that come up when abusers "argue" with victims can be extremely damaging. A quick, apathetic agreement is a great way to "douse the fire" and create an opportunity for you to get a safe distance from the abuser. "I'm not mad or upset. There's no fight. They love a fight, and they also love it when you do what they want. So they're trying to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. But if you're not going to do that, then they will enjoy the chaos of an argument." Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.ORG BTR.ORG Is Here For You You don't have to do this alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. It's just me again today. It's just like a bunch of just I and me. Why am I talking about myself in the third person? That's crazy. Okay, so there is a scripture that I love and it is in Matthew five. It's part of the Sermon on the Mount. It's Matthew 5 25, and Jesus shares with us, "Agree with thine adversary quickly while thou are in the way with him, less than any time the adversary deliver the judge and the judge deliver the to the officer, and thou shall be cast into prison." Okay, so let's talk about that in terms of our day today. (03:53): So this agree with adversary quickly is a strategic way of dealing with someone who wants to hurt you in this scripture. This is someone who they want to imprison you. When it comes to abusers, they want to oppress you. They're going to say things to you to manipulate you. So I gave one example before, which was I was at a singles event and there was a man who wanted me to engage with him. He wanted me to flirt with him and stuff,

Transcribed - Published: 17 October 2023

We Want You To Be Safe – And Abusers HATE That!

BTR is pro-safety - and sometimes that means divorce. And abusers? They hate that. Anne is going over some negative reviews from abusive men. Tune in.

Transcribed - Published: 10 October 2023

BTR is Pro-Safety (And Abusers HATE That)

The BTR.ORG Podcast has helped many women find language for what is happening to them. Words like gaslighting, sexual coercion, and spiritual abuse have helped victims become educated and empowered. On the flip side, abusive men occasionally address Anne in reviews, social media communication, and emails with the same kinds of comments. Anne addresses those comments in the podcast and explains that BTR is pro-safety. Listen to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more. BTR.ORG Is Pro-Safety For victims, boundary-setting is an important step toward safety. Sometimes a divorce boundary is necessary. And BTR supports women in their decisions to separate and/or divorce from the abuser. Of course, abusers will call this, "destroying the family", "ruining the marriage", and so forth. Our Mission is to Educate Women About Abuse "Your abuse is what destroyed your family, not educating women about abuse." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG Healthy individuals take no issue with others becoming educated about abuse. You know who takes issue with women becoming educated about abuse? Abusive men. And then when women take action to move toward safety, they blame the victim. BTR.ORG Is Here For You If your husband has taken issue with you listening to the BTR.ORG podcast and using our resources, including reading our free, informative articles, please consider that he is taking issue with you learning about emotional and psychological abuse. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I've been doing a couple episodes where I just talk, so thank you for listening. This one is about a bunch of one star reviews that men have left on the podcast and Trauma Mama and emails we've received from men. I'll actually start with one that came from a man. That's a good one. He said, Hi BTR team. I know Anne's podcast is for abuse victims and they're betrayed, and she's pretty vocal about abusers not listening to her podcast. It's true. I do not want abusers listening. Do not share this podcast with your husband. Please, please, please, please, please, because your safety is my top priority and it could put you in danger, so please do not do that. (03:54): Do not share that you're listening with them. He's saying he's in recovery. I don't know if he's in recovery or not. A lot of men write and they want to come on to share with other men their recovery story. Usually I don't have them come on because I think they're trying to use it to groom their wives. Anyway, this guy says that he went to a bunch of different pornography addiction recovery things. He said he went to every man's battle that he'd been working with a CSAT. He'd been doing all this stuff with pornography addiction recovery and therapy, and then he said this, I never once read anything or had anyone refer to me as an abuser. That was until Saturday, March 11th when I needed something to listen to and your podcast was suggested to me in Apple. So I listened, and then he says, I was in tears the entire time I was listening to your podcast. "Don't give this podcast to your abuser." (04:44): Now, sisters, don't give this podcast to your abuser. Okay? This guy just happened to come upon it, I guess, and then he wrote me. He said, it was hard to hear, but I'm so glad and thankful that I heard it. I am an abuser, emotionally, psychologically, and financially. I've abused my wife for most of our 15 years. He said recently, a neighbor I knew well was removed from his home due to a protective order for physical abuse to his family. When I learned of this, I thought I was nothing like him, but I'm coming to grips that in many ways I am and I have you to thank for that. Now,

Transcribed - Published: 10 October 2023

If Something Feels Off, It Probably Is Off

Trigger Warning: This podcast episode and accompanying article deal with the recent murders in Colorado and Utah, perpetrated by abusive men against their wives and families. Were you triggered by the recent murders in Utah and Colorado? Did you, like many women, evaluate your safety and wonder - could this happen to me? Anne is shedding light on the murders of Angela Craig and Tausha Haight - and imploring YOU to consider that if something feels off, it probably is off. Listen to your sacred internal warning system and seek safety. Listen to the BTR.ORG Podcast for more. Your Triggers Can Be Warnings (And Often Are) Don't let clergy or therapists or your husband or anybody else tell you that the uneasy feeling that you were feeling is due to something that happened two years ago. Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG Too often, women are conditioned to dismiss feelings of uneasiness, fear, and concern. They're told: * You're holding on to the past. * You're just triggered. * You're not forgiving. * You're holding it over [your husband's] head. * You need to move on. * You're letting your anxiety get the better of you. * You aren't allowing the atonement/grace/Christ/healing to work. * You're imagining things. * You're crazy. Instead of Dismissing Your Triggers, Consider: Rather than shunning, ignoring, minimizing, dismissing, or denying your triggers, consider inviting them in and sitting with the emotions, feelings, and thoughts that accompany them. Too many women are severely abused, even murdered, by abusers who control the narrative and force them to ignore their own gut feelings. How Can I "Honor" My Triggers When I'm Supposed to Hate Them? You can honor your triggers by: * Journaling your feelings. * Talking to a close friend about what you're concerned about. * If talking to someone else feels like too much, try speaking out loud when you're alone. * Calling a domestic violence or emotional health hotline anonymously. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Tragically, at BTR we've learned that emotional and psychological abuse can be precursors to homicide - even without any documented physical violence. Please be safe. If you feel unsafe in your relationships, please take steps, even small steps, toward safety. Our resources are here to help you. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to btr.org. This is Anne. I'm going to be talking today about two different murders that occurred. Men who murdered their wives. One of the men was a known pornography user and I'm not sure about the other one, but I bet that he was. If anyone is listening and knows that he was, please let me know and we can confirm. The first one I'm going to talk about is the murder that happened in Colorado. The perpetrator was named James Craig. He murdered his wife Angela. The reason why I want to talk about this is because of the gaslighting deceitful messages that he sent before she actually died. (04:00): She was poisoned previously by him. Now he was a known porn user. He was active in his church. He was in pornography addiction recovery, and he said that the first time he poisoned her was because he was going to commit suicide and he didn't want her to wake up and find it. He wanted her to be able to be asleep through the whole thing. This is what he said. None of this is true. He lied when he got caught poisoning her and had to come up with a plausible reason for doing it. So she knew that he had poisoned her before and in her mind she thought that it was because he was going to commit suicide and he ...

Transcribed - Published: 3 October 2023

Clergy & Court Professionals: Help, Don’t Harm

Anne uses the Bible to share her feelings regarding how people in positions of authority should help ease the suffering victims of betrayal and abuse.

Transcribed - Published: 26 September 2023

Clergy, Court Professionals, Counselors: Help, Don’t Harm

Betrayed victims of emotional and psychological abuse often seek help from clergy, court professionals, and counselors. Unfortunately, those in positions of leadership can (and often do) cause further harm to victims. Anne is on the BTR Podcast, using the King James Version of the Bible to share her thoughts on how those in authority can and should help to ease the suffering of victims of betrayal and abuse. It's Hard to Ask for Help When victims seek help or services, it's important to understand that: * Seeking help can be embarrassing. * For many women, they've tried several times before but were either disbelieved or told to try harder to make their situation work. * In order to seek help, a woman has had to accept that she is unable to meet her own needs - and that can be quite humbling. No One Plans for Betrayal & Abuse "We have been rendered protector-less or provider-less due to his actions, emotionally, psychologically, financially. We have been essentially abandoned and oppressed." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG For many women, finding out about betrayal and uncovering the reality of abuse means that their life has turned completely upside down. While worrying about whether or not her marriage can stay intact, a woman may also have to wonder if she will have housing, food, basic necessities like clothing and feminine products - because she had no idea that this curve ball was coming. Uphold Every "Widow's" Dignity Perhaps the most unsettling aspect of the Parable of the Unjust Judge is the way in which the judge seems to disregard the widow's personhood. When a betrayal and abuse victim seeks help, remember uphold her dignity by treating her with kindness and respect. BTR.ORG Is Here For You If you are a victim who has sought help and been further traumatized, please understand that we are here for you. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. It's just me today. I'm going to be talking about the parable of The Unjust Judge. It's in Luke 18. I use the King James version of the Bible. One of the reasons I use it, I find it to be a little more vague than maybe some of the newer translations, and the vagueness of it helps me to pray and concentrate and interpret it the way that I think that God would want me to interpret it right now in our time. The parable of The Unjust Judge is really interesting because I think that it's how Jesus would like people in authority, so clergy or the court system, to help victims of abuse. "...they have been abandoned even if their husband or ex-husband is still alive." (04:05): It's specifically about a widow. Whenever I read about widows in the scriptures I, of course because of the podcast and because of what I do, envision "porn widows" or women who are "widows" through no fault of their own. Their husband or their ex-husband might still be alive, but they are left alone and they are unprotected and not provided for by their husbands. In essence, they have been abandoned even if their husband or ex-husband is still alive. In ancient times, women did not have the ability to make money. They were essentially enslaved to their husbands, and if they did make money, their husbands could take it. If they got divorced, then their husbands would take their children and they really had no rights. They were considered the property of their husbands. It's interesting to me that Jesus is so concerned with widows and women. Luke 18 starts: "And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray, and not to faint;" Understanding the Parables (05:24): Now, I interpret that to mean,

Transcribed - Published: 26 September 2023

3 Empowering Mantras For Abuse & Betrayal Victims

Have you experienced sexual exploitation and coercion? Are you working through the trauma of emotional abuse and betrayal? Dr. Stephanie Powell is back on the BTR.ORG podcast sharing powerful words of healing and love for victims. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript for more. "I Am Enough" It goes back again to us women really realizing that who we are is enough, regardless of whether we have someone in our life or we don't. We're going to be okay. What you don't want is to have someone that you trust and love use everything that you've told him against you - because you're not there for him to use it against you. When I was in law enforcement, I came on when there weren't that many females. And so there was a lot of obstacles with that. But I had this saying on my desk that I actually heard from Oprah Winfrey that says, 'What you say about me is none of my business.' Think about that for one moment. 'What you say about me is none of my business.' In other words, I can't invest in that negativity. Dr. Stephanie Powell One way that abusive men exploit victims is by conditioning women to believe that they are intrinsically not enough - and need the abuser to complete them or validate their existence and worth. Will you tell yourself, "I am enough" today? "People Have to Earn my Trust and Love" As women, we are often conditioned from birth to offer unconditional trust and love. It's vulnerable and brave to participate in relationships, but utilizing this mantra can help victims to engage in only healthy relationships. Will you give yourself the gift of allowing others to earn your trust and love, rather than offering it unconditionally? "What happened to me is not my fault." It's so easy to blame ourselves for abuse and betrayal. * I wasn't enough for my husband * I bring out the worst in him * I should've known * I should've been better * I should've left sooner "The bottom line is, whatever has happened to you is not your fault. You learn from it, you move forward." Dr. Stephanie Powell Abuse is never the victim's fault. You are not to blame. Please offer yourself the grace and healing that comes with embracing the mantra: "What happened to me is not my fault. I will learn from this. I will give myself compassion." BTR.ORG Supports You We know how difficult it can be to practice self-love and compassion after experiencing betrayal and abuse. Please find the support you deserve in our BTR.ORG Group Sessions. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Dr. Stephanie Powell is back on today's episode. If you didn't listen to the beginning of our conversation last week, start there and then join us here. We're just going to jump right in. When it comes to sexual exploitation and sex trafficking, can you talk to us about some lessons that you learned from your experience that would be relevant to this audience? "I assumed they were there because they wanted to be there" Dr. Stephanie Powell (00:23): In terms of my experience when I first was running my vice unit, I thought that when I'd see the women walking up and down the street on their phones and hardly having anything on and they're laughing in the phone, I assumed that they were there because they wanted to be there. That's what they wanted to do. But when I started working with them, not only in my law enforcement end of it, but in the advocate end of it, I quickly learned that these women, some of them were doing it because, and I'm going to talk about the ones who felt that they had a relationship. I think people can understand this.

Transcribed - Published: 19 September 2023

Healing Words of Affirmation & Love

Ready to practice radical self-compassion? Dr. Stephanie Powell is back on the podcast sharing professional experience and empowering sentiments.

Transcribed - Published: 19 September 2023

What Sex Trafficking Really Looks Like

TW: sexual abuse, sex trafficking, sexual violence. A husband filming his wife in the shower without her knowledge or consent, and selling the video online. A boyfriend coercing his seventeen-year-old girlfriend for photos. A man prostituting his long-time partner, then gaslighting her into feeling guilt and shame so that she feels unable to escape or press charges. What does sex trafficking really look like? It's a depraved conglomeration of psychological, emotional, sexual, and physical coercion and abuse. It's the disempowerment of women and children. And it's all around us. Dr. Stephany Powell from NCOSE is on the BTR.ORG podcast; read the full transcript below and listen to this important episode now. Let's Define Sex Trafficking: Force, Fraud, Coercion "By age alone, when you're under the age of 18 and someone has used you for commercial sex, you're automatically considered a victim of trafficking in a court of law. If you're over 18 years of age, you have to prove force, fraud, or coercion." Dr. Stephany Powell Understanding the "Coercion" Piece of Sex Trafficking I think what happens oftentimes is that people only think of sex trafficking victims with the force and the fraud - so that coercion piece is a little hard to understand because people go, "Well, why didn't they just leave?" What needs to be understood is that there is an emotional bond that one may have with their trafficker. That emotional bond may be because their trafficker was a boyfriend or very good friend, or it could have been a girlfriend or it could have been a family member. Not to mention that it's like brainwashing. I'm coercing you because if you leave something bad is going to happen to somebody you love. And by the way, this is your fault anyway because you chose to do this. Dr. Stephany Powell Coercion can include: * Threats (subtle or overt) * Gaslighting * Blame-shifting * Manipulation * Emotional withholding * Financial abuse * Spiritual abuse * Sexual blackmail * Abusive persistence The Most Important Take-Away "If you've experienced sexual coercion and exploitation - whether or not it has resulted in sex trafficking - please know that it is NOT your fault. What I really want to express to those women today is really understanding that it's not your fault. You've been exploited. It wasn't something that you shared in and said it was okay; someone took advantage of you, and the really worst part, it was somebody that you trusted. And so when it's somebody that you trusted that used you in that way, honestly, it is no different than a victim of sex trafficking that's dealing with a trafficker or a pimp. Because lots of times, it was their boyfriend that ended up pimping them out or they got talked into it because it was showing "love". The bottom line is it could really make one feel worthless: I shouldn't have done that, I should have known. And what I want to say to you is, you did what you were supposed to do. You trusted the person that was the closest to you; you were a wife, and so therefore this is no fault of your own. It is something that they did, meaning the husband, that shouldn't have been done. So don't beat yourself up over it. Try not to." Dr. Stephany Powell BTR.ORG Is Here For You NCOSE is an incredible resource for victims of sexual exploitation. Here at BTR.ORG, we are available to help you process your trauma and begin your healing journey - attend a Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): I have Dr.

Transcribed - Published: 12 September 2023

3 Subtle Ways Misogyny Creeps Into Our Minds

Even when we deeply understand the effects of misogyny, whether because we or someone we love have experienced male coercion, manipulation, and violence, it's important to understand how misogynistic thinking may have subtlety infiltrated our thoughts. Abusers and their enablers benefit from exploiting women - and the root of that exploitation comes from misogynistic attitudes and beliefs. Dr. Jessica Taylor is back on the BTR.ORG podcast. Listen to this episode and read the full transcript below for more. "I'm Supposed to Do Most of the Work Around Here" One subtle way that misogyny burrows its subtle way into our lives is by forcing women to take on the emotional, mental, and physical tasks of a household and family. Abusers may use: * Weaponized incompetence (acting or exaggerating that they don't "know how" to accomplish a task well in order to exploit you into doing it) * Male entitlement (because you're a woman, you're supposed to do it) * Emotional & psychological abuse and/or sexual coercion (threats, intimidation, anger, manipulation, gaslighting - this may include creating a climate where you "walk on eggshells" in order to avoid being abused Consider This if You're Exhausted & Carrying the Burdens: "If women listening are thinking, yeah, my husband wants me to be the stopgap in our relationship, I'm the one that needs to apologize. I'm the one that needs to be compliant. I'm the one that needs to set up the things and plan the stuff and make sure everything goes smoothly, but he just gets to call the shots and doesn't have to do the work. That is a sign that the situation that you're in is an emotionally and psychologically abusive one because he's expecting other people to close that gap." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG Misogynists Only "Look" a Certain Way "[Abusive men are] learning to disguise [their misogyny]. They're learning to make it sound more socially desirable and acceptable, but those views and those values, they've not gone anywhere. They're learning how to communicate them and, as you say, maintain their power and their control without outing themselves." Dr. Jessica Taylor, author When society believes that misogynistic men only look a certain way - that is, that they are obvious and overt with their hatred of women - it's easy for manipulative misogynistic abusers to fly under the radar. Abusive men often manipulate: * Clergy * Family court professionals * Health care providers * Media and journalists * Work colleagues * Friends and family * Mental health care specialists and others into believing that they are "great guys" who would never subscribe to hateful thinking and abusive behaviors. There's Not One "Abusive Man Look" Many women find themselves in denial that they themselves could be abused - and even further deny that their husband fits the profile of "abuser". This is simply because societally, we've been so conditioned to see both abusers and victims as fitting a very specific description. Understanding that misogyny and abuse are choices made by men regardless of: * Age * Sex * Background (trauma, no trauma, etc) * Economic status * Education level * Race * Whether or not they use substances like drugs and alcohol * Religious activity level Can be life-saving. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Deconstructing internalized misogyny and accepting that the hatred of women is one of the key reasons that men psychologically abuse and sexually coerce women, can be difficult and lonely. We are here for you - attend a BTR.

Transcribed - Published: 5 September 2023

Why is My Abusive Ex Fighting So Hard in Court?

Have you experienced the terror and stress of the family court system? Dr. Jessica Taylor is back on the BTR.ORG Podcast to discuss how and why abusers terrorize victims via the family court system. Listen to the episode now and read the full transcript below for more. Do Abusive Men REALLY Want What They're Fighting For? Abusive men fight tooth-and-nail for several key "things" in court battles with their victims, generally including: * Child custody * Parenting time without having to adhere to any mutual rules regarding the children * Property * Child support (either fighting to pay less, or be paid out more by the victim) * Alimony (similar to child support) * Financial assets Many victims are shocked and confused when abusers vehemently put up a fight for things that they never expressed interest in before (time with the children) or are morally entitled to (perhaps property you owned prior to the marriage). It's important to understand that abusers often seek opportunities to disrupt your emotions and keep you in a state of panic and stress by fighting for what they know you care about - rather than accepting a divorce situation that is mutually agreeable. "He just wanted to win" "I'm reminded of another story of a woman who had a very young child, within a year [old], and she was not married to the man and she actually crossed from Canada into the US to get away from him. Then he fought her and fought her and fought her. She kidnapped the kid and all this stuff and was in court just the whole time and she was terrified. So she stayed in America, tried to fight it in court, the stress of it maybe, maybe not, I don't know. But she ended up having brain cancer and dying. And the second that she passed away, he stopped all the court stuff and didn't want to see the daughter." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG But Why Is He Doing This? Why would someone put so much time, effort, and money into the family court system if he wasn't actually invested in what he was fighting for? In the words of many victims in the BTR.ORG community, "Why is he doing this to me?" While every situation is different, we have generally found that men who use the family court system to further abuse their wife, ex-wife, and/or children are motivated by: * The "joy" of winning and watching the victim "lose" * Feeling in control of the victim * Knowing that he (the abuser) is at the core of the victim's thoughts and feelings BTR.ORG IS Here For You At BTR.ORG, we know how absolutely exhausting it is to seek justice and safety in the family courts, only to feel further gaslit and lost. We are here for you as you work toward peace. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): I have Dr. Jessica Taylor back on today's episode again. This one is absolutely related to what happened to Leah, an ongoing custody battle. Again, this was recorded before Om's death. Sorry, I keep bringing that up, but it just happened this week for me. I know that this is going to air much after that, but it was just very eerie. So if you did not listen to last week's episode, listen to that first and then join us here. Anne (00:29): I would say the most common that we see here at BTR is through the Pornography Addiction Recovery Industrial Complex, which is what I call it. They're found out for their porn use, for example, or their affairs or soliciting prostitutes, sex addiction therapy,

Transcribed - Published: 29 August 2023

How Do Abusers Gaslight Victims (& Advocates)?

Is gaslighting just another popular buzzword or is it a calculated maneuver that abusers use to keep women stuck? Dr. Jessica Taylor, author of Why Women Are Blamed for Everything and Sexy But Psycho is on the podcast. Read the full transcript below and tune in now for more. Abusers Use THESE PHRASES to Gaslight YOU Wondering if you've been a victim of gaslighting? Dr. Jessica Taylor and Anne share some of these common phrases and conversations that abusers may use with victims to distort their reality and cause them to wonder if they're capable of discerning truth: * I've asked our family and friends to pray for you. * You're overly emotional. * You're mentally unwell. * Have you been taking your medication? * Have you considered going to therapy? * No one is going to believe you. * No one is going to support you/like you/believe you/listen to you. * I know you care about our family, and ever since you started ______ (listening to this podcast, reading this book, talking to this friend, etc), you've been disconnected/too "feminist"/hurting our family, etc. * The light in your eyes is gone - I think you've lost the Spirit. Abusers Use THESE PHRASES to Gaslight Advocates Advocates include YOUR family, friends, clergy, victim advocates (such as DV workers), medical care providers, and others: * She hasn't been taking her medication. * Please pray for her - she needs all of our help right now. * She's been acting unusual lately. * I've done all I can. * I'm worried she's losing her mind. * I'm scared she's going to leave the Church. * She's been violent with me and the children. * I think she's cheating on me. * I love her so much, I wish she'd come back to us. BTR.ORG Is Here For You It's scary, isn't it? When you realize that you may be a victim of psychological violence. We are here for you. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today to process your trauma in a safe place. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): It's interesting to me that I was on sort of this kick about how the media does not get it right long before the murder of my friend's son. So we cover it here again. This interview happened before the murder of my friend's son. So as you listen, keep that in mind. I have Dr. Jessica Taylor, the author of Why Women Are Blamed for Everything and the newly released Sexy But Psycho. She has a PhD in forensic psychology and is the director of Victim Focus. Welcome, Dr. Taylor. Dr. Jessica Taylor (00:37): Thank you so much for having me. Anne (00:40): Dr. Taylor is amazing and I'm gonna have her start by introducing her organization, Victim Focus, and then also talking a little bit about her books. What is Victim Focus? Dr. Jessica Taylor (00:48): Victim Focus is six years old. We work all over the world. We have tons of free resources, you know, of understanding abuse, misogyny, violence, grooming, sexual violence, domestic abuse, assault, harassment, victim blaming, rape myths, beliefs, narratives, stereotypes. It's, you know, I wanted to create this hub of just everything that could be useful to women and girls who've been subjected to male violence. So that's what it's become and it's just growing and growing and growing. And then as part of that, I wrote Why Women Are Blamed For Everything. After I did my PhD and the PhD in forensic psychology specialized in the psychology of victim blaming of women and girls who've been subjected to male violence and how women and girls are like convinced to self-blame as well. And the trauma that,

Transcribed - Published: 22 August 2023

Why You ACTUALLY Feel Crazy In Your Relationship

Jane Gilmore is back, explaining how the media is doing a major disservice to abuse victims by misrepresenting what abuse often looks like.

Transcribed - Published: 15 August 2023

Why Do I Feel CRAZY in My Relationship?

"I can't find the words to explain how I feel - but I do know that I feel crazy in my relationship." So many women in our community spent years trying to to understand why they felt so responsible, alone, afraid, physically unwell, and yes - crazy - in their relationships. Jane Gilmore explains in this riveting final interview how the media enables abuse - and consequently, causes victims to feel completely crazy and responsible for the abuse. Read the full transcript below and listen to the interview for more. We Feel Crazy When We Can't Explain What's Happening to Us Have you tossed and turned at night, completely unable to find the language to describe that uneasy awareness that something is just off? Jane describes it here: "[His abusiveness] builds up over time. It starts and then it stops and then he's sweet and then he's cold, and then he disappears and you know he's lying. But all you've got is a gut feeling and you're not sure what to do with it. Any woman who's been in that relationship will instantly recognize it. Like when you wake up at three in the morning and you feel sick and your brain's just spinning, spinning, spinning, and you're trying to work out what's really going on. 'Am I crazy? Am I imagining this? I don't know what to do and I'm too scared to tell anyone 'cause I'm just gonna feel like a fool.'" Jane Gilmore, Consent Educator Covert Abuse Feels Impossible to Describe Overt abuse, the kind that the media has determined is "real" abuse - abuse that: * Leaves bruises, blood, breaks bones * Is clearly documentable and would immediately illicit a response from a police officer to side with you * Damages property * Scares children into siding with you * Is clearly visible to other people, besides you Is generally MUCH easier to describe than the abuse that women in our community face. COVERT Abuse Includes: * Intimate betrayal, including secret pornography use * Sexual coercion * Gaslighting * Covert physical abuse, including physical harm that does not leave marks or is committed secretly * Covert threats * Stalking without any proof * Spiritual/religious abuse The Media Enables Abuse - This is How "Most of the media is controlled by men, so they're not going to be able to show [abuse] from a woman's point of view, because firstly, they don't understand it. And secondly, they don't really want to. It's not like there's a huge crew of powerful white men in the media going, 'Let's make women really, really aware of the manipulations that men do to keep them under control.' And this is not deliberate or conscious or planned out. A lot of it just happens subconsciously, but, 'Let's make women feel responsible. Let's make them be the ones that are trying really hard." Jane Gilmore, Consent Educator When the media, including: * News media * TV shows * Movies * Social media * Public forums depict abuse as solely overt abuse, they are ignoring a huge demographic of women who are experiencing life-threatening covert abuse. As a society, we are conditioned to depend on the media (in all of its forms) to determine what "normal" is - and the media is doing a terrible job of defining and validating abuse for victims. You ARE NOT CRAZY - You're Being Abused Just because the media, your family, friends, clergy, and others have de-validated your experience because the abuser has not punched you, broken down a door, or threatened to murder you - please take the abuse you're experiencing seriously. If you: * Feel crazy * Feel unable to determine reality * Find yourself consistently preoccupied with trying to "...

Transcribed - Published: 15 August 2023

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