Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Coach Sharon is on the podcast discussing spiritual abuse. This subtle yet destructive behavior undermines a victim’s faith, self-worth, and autonomy, leading to long-term psychological and emotional distress.

Transcribed - Published: 23 July 2024

Divorcing a narcissist is a nightmare. June provides compelling updates one year after sharing the first part of her story.

Transcribed - Published: 16 July 2024

June was blamed for her husband emotionally abusing her. Find out how she dealt with post-separation abuse.

Transcribed - Published: 9 July 2024

Learn how Lynea recognized she was facing betrayal trauma. As her husband's behavior worsened, she sought help to recover from his betrayal.

Transcribed - Published: 2 July 2024

Can complementarian ideas conceal emotional abuse? Join Anne and J.R. as they discuss her journey of overcoming her husband's infidelity, emotional, and spiritual abuse.

Transcribed - Published: 25 June 2024

Sarah kept asking herself, "Is my husband holding me back?? Sarah shares how she overcame obstacles to reach her goals.

Transcribed - Published: 18 June 2024

Fairy tales are often confining women with double standards. Join Anne and Jane Gillmore as they discuss how fairy tales often vilify women's anger, undermine their pursuit of financial independence, and set unrealistic expectations.

Transcribed - Published: 11 June 2024

Jane Gilmore explores misogyny and harmful messages in classic fairy tales that brainwash us into not recognizing abuse.

Transcribed - Published: 4 June 2024

When you're ready to leave (or considering leaving) your emotionally abusive husband. You need support and practical advice. Karen DeArmond Gardner is back on the podcast.

Transcribed - Published: 28 May 2024

If you don’t want a divorce, but you're seeking solutions due to your husband’s emotional and psychological abuse, here are some ideas to consider.

Transcribed - Published: 21 May 2024

Find the stages of deliverance from abuse. Anne tells how she discovered how to be delivered and gain freedom from abuse.

Transcribed - Published: 14 May 2024

3 Steps To Safely Leave The Emotional Abuse Behind - Lee-Anne's Story

Published: 9 May 2024

Forgiveness is a polarizing topic for victims of intimate betrayal. But can it provide relief & healing? Dr. Debi Silber is on the podcast.

Transcribed - Published: 7 May 2024

Why victims of abuse and sexual coercion are afraid to leave their abusers and resources to help them leave.

Transcribed - Published: 2 May 2024

Healing from betrayal trauma is absolutely possible. Dr. Debi Silber discusses the five steps to healing and more on this episode.

Transcribed - Published: 30 April 2024

Recovering from your husband's emotional abuse is a journey. There are strategies to speed healing. Here are 3 things to consider.

Transcribed - Published: 23 April 2024

You can teach children healthy sexuality. Here are some quality resources to help make sure your kids are empowered to make healthy choices about sex when the time is right.

Transcribed - Published: 16 April 2024

The Sex Talk can be a good experience for both parents and children. Dina Alexander shares tips, myths, and how-to's.

Transcribed - Published: 9 April 2024

When fantasizing is about control, it will be harmful to any relationship. Discover the effects of your husband's sexual fantasies and why they're hurting you.

Transcribed - Published: 2 April 2024

A victims shares how she grappled with religious traditions, logistics, to determine if she wanted to divorce her abusive husband, and if so how?

Transcribed - Published: 26 March 2024

J.R. spent nearly a decade believing that she was the problem in the marriage. Learning about emotional abuse helped her establish safety boundaries.

Transcribed - Published: 19 March 2024

Remembering Coach Katherine We loved Katherine so much. Katherine was kind and fierce at the same time. All she wanted was to help deliver women from suffering and harm. She will be greatly missed. We LOVE you Katherine!

Transcribed - Published: 16 March 2024

Are you ready to help stop human trafficking? Melea Stephens from NCOSE shares how you can participate in advocacy without having to leave home.

Transcribed - Published: 12 March 2024

If you're wondering how to set boundaries in an emotionally abusive relationship, you are NOT alone. Elizabeth continues her story.

Transcribed - Published: 5 March 2024

Although it might not necessarily look like a cycle, emotional abuse shows up in patterns. If you know what to look for, understanding the cycle of abuse can help you understand your situation. "I felt like something was off...but I didn't know what to look for." Elizabeth, like many victims of hidden abuse, felt unsettled early on in the relationship. But she didn't have the language or professional support to identify that her abusive husband was putting her through the devastating cycle of abuse. Tune in and read the full transcript below for more. This episode is Part 1 of Anne's interview with Elizabeth.Part 1: Is The Cycle of Abuse a Myth? (this episode)Part 2: How to Set Boundaries in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship The Cycle of Abuse Makes You Feel Crazy Like many women, Elizabeth sought professional help early on in her marriage because she felt crazy in her relationship. If you are feeling crazy in your relationship, please know that gaslighting, blame-shifting, secret intimate betrayal (including porn use), and sexual coercion are abuse issues and must be treated as such. Understanding the cycle of abuse can help you identify what's really going on, early on. What is the Cycle of Abuse? The Cycle of Abuse Consists of Four Main Phases: * Grooming: this phase is often called love-bombing. We also refer to it as "manipulative kindness". This phase can last minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, or in some cases, decades. Abusers groom victims by presenting whatever version of themselves seems most safe, secure, "attachable", and healthy to you. * Tension: this phase is often very painful for victims. Women experiencing abusive tension often blame themselves, feeling responsible for the abuser's neglect and verbal abuse - because it's starkly different from the grooming behaviors that the abuser used to manipulate them into the relationship. * Action: the action phase is unique to each abuser, but consists of the harmful behaviors that constitute hidden abuse, including: gaslighting, manipulation, intimate betrayal, financial betrayal, etc. * Denial: women are often on the cusp of setting safety boundaries, including separation or divorce, during the denial phase. Abusers use gaslighting, manipulation, and blame-shifting, to "erase" the harmful behaviors of the cycles before - but often, victims come to a place where they're simply done with the pain and confusion of hidden abuse. Tragically, this is also the phase where abusers tap into a deeper level of manipulation and coax the victim into the grooming phase, where the cycle starts all over again. BTR.ORG Is Here For You The good news is that many, many victims are identifying the cycle of abuse in their relationships, earlier and earlier. If you're realizing, maybe for the first time, that you're experiencing emotional abuse, please know that you are not alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have a member of our community on today's episode. Her name is Elizabeth and she is going to share her story. Welcome, Elizabeth. Elizabeth (01:34):Thank you. Anne (01:35):She's been a

Transcribed - Published: 27 February 2024

In the aftermath of an abusive marriage, many victims still have to work toward physical safety - but after physical safety has been achieved, there is a spectrum of emotions to process. Vicki is on The BTR.ORG Podcast in the final installment of her three-part interview, sharing her joys, insecurities, fears, and hopes in the aftermath of her thirty-year abusive marriage. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below. This episode is Part 3 of Anne's interview with Vicki. Part 1: Walking Away After 30 Years of Narcissistic Abuse Part 2: This is How You Know It's Time To Leave Part 3: Here Are My Emotions in the Aftermath of Abuse (this episode) But I'm Safe Now - Shouldn't I Be Happy All The Time? Many victims experience a level of guilt or frustration with themselves for feeling negative emotions after they've achieved a level of physical safety, post-divorce. It can be helpful to understand that all emotions simply are - they're not good or bad. So when you experience things like: * Fear * Frustration * A lack of desire for relationships * Apathy * Anger * Grief Understand that you are normal - these emotions are part of the healing experience. "It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. You are healing." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG BTR.ORG Is Here For You For many women in our community, it can be difficult to articulate the complexities of the many levels of healing to someone who has not experienced covert abuse. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today so that you can process your experience with other women who understand. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Today we have Vicki back on the podcast today. She's been with us the last two episodes, so if you haven't heard the beginning or middle of her story, go there first, listen and then join us here. Let's just jump right into the conversation. Where are you in the journey to safety right now? "There's nothing wrong with you. You are healing." Vicki (01:44): Well, physically safe. Yes, emotionally still struggling and it has very much so affected my ability to have relationships with other people. I don't date at all. As far as being able to have a bonded relationship where we go hang out, we will call each other up and just be besties. No, I haven't been able to do a thing like that. Anne (02:15): It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. You are healing. I don't date and there's nothing wrong with me. If I were unquote better, I still wouldn't date because dating's dumb. There's nothing wrong with you. I bet it will come with time. Vicki (02:34): I did, of course, BTR group. Anne (02:37): Vicki, if you could go back and talk to your younger self, maybe you at like 16, what would you tell her? "If something feels off, assume it is." Vicki (02:45): I would definitely say if something feels off, assume it is and do not let what someone says dismiss something that feels off, because every time I would express something being off, there would always be this perfect little explanation that was, I feel like rehearsed just in case, and so I would dismiss it. I would just teach a 16-year-old self. Just go with what you're feeling. If it feels off, it is. And then the other thing I would teach them is we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. The most important thing that I learned was it is not compassion to provide a convenient environment for someone...

Transcribed - Published: 20 February 2024

This episode is Part 2 of Anne's interview with Vicki. Part 1: Walking Away After 30 Years of Narcissistic Abuse Part 2: This is How You Know It's Time to Leave (this episode) Part 3: Here Are My Emotions in the Aftermath of Abuse Every victim faces a unique moment when she has had enough, when she realizes, "It's time to leave." Vicki shares her powerful story of liberating herself from an abusive marriage when she reached her own moment of realization. Vicki's story offers a beacon of hope for survivors facing similar challenges. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more. As You Prepare to Leave Your Abusive Marriage Whether you've been married for days, weeks, months, or years, we want you to be safe as you prepare to leave your abusive marriage. As you'll hear in Vicki's story, her abusive ex-husband reached new and terrifying heights of violence and intimidation when he realized that she was on the precipice of change. This is common in abuse scenarios. Victims can prepare to safety leave an abusive relationship by: * Creating a safety plan with a BTR.ORG coach or local domestic violence victim advocate * Reaching out to safe folks and letting them know the plan, and ways to offer support * Pack an emergency bag that is hidden and easily accessible in case the need arises for a quick exit BTR.ORG Is Here For You For those currently on the path to freedom, Vicki's story stands as a testament to resilience. It reinforces the message that leaving an abusive marriage is a courageous act, requiring careful planning, support systems, and a commitment to one's safety. Vicki's journey, serves as an inspiration for victims taking the first steps toward reclaiming their lives. You are not alone, and there is strength in breaking free. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Vicki is back on today's episode. We started her story last week, so if you didn't hear that, listen first and then join us here. Today we're talking about how Vicki did not have strategies for communicating with her abuser post-divorce. So many victims don't have these strategies, so please check out our Living Free Workshop. These safety strategies, thought strategies, communication strategies, boundary strategies, work, every listener to the podcast needs to take that workshop so you have the right idea about how to communicate safely and what to do. The ever-changing goal posts of the abuser (02:13): When did you realize that all of your hard work and you know, all the things he had manipulated you to do that you didn't know that it wasn't working out like he said it was right. Like so an abuser will be like, well, if you would only do this, this, and this, everything would be good. And because they're liars, they always move the goalposts. So if he's like, you've gotta have dinner ready by five and you know, da da da, and then you do all the things and then he still acting terrible. And then he says, well, and you have to lose weight and you have to work out. And you know, I don't know all the things he says. There's never a time where he is like, oh good, yeah, you did do that. Okay, now I am happy. Now we're great. That never happens with an abuser. Vicki (03:01): No. "I was like, 'why am I doing this?

Transcribed - Published: 13 February 2024

This episode is Part 1 of Anne's interview with Vicki. Part 1: Walking After 30 Years of Narcissistic Abuse (this episode) Part 2: This is How You Know It's Time To Leave Part 3: My Emotions in the Aftermath of Abuse Grief. Fear. Anger. Loneliness. Resolve to "be enough" so that he'll change. The spectrum of emotions that victims of covert abuse experience over decades of cruelty is almost impossible to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. Vicki shares her story poignantly in this vulnerable unfolding of her painful journey of 30 years of abuse on The BTR.ORG Podcast. Vicki's story, like many others, begins with the deceptive allure of Prince Charming that soon morphs into a domestic climate where walking on eggshells becomes the norm. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Are you in a multi-decade long relationship with an abuser? Many victims find BTR.ORG after years, even decades of abuse. Some experience deep feelings of shame and self-loathing for "staying so long". At BTR, we understand the complexities of relationships, of identifying abuse, and how difficult it can be to make the decision to leave once you do identify abusive behavior. Initially dismissing her husband's alarming behavior as the byproduct of external hardships, it was also very difficult for Vicki to identify that she was experiencing abuse. You are safe here. You will never experience judgment or pressure here at BTR. We understand that each situation is unique and each individual knows her own situation best. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today - a safe community where you can process your experiences is often a good place to start your healing journey. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Today we have a member of our community on today's episode. We are going to call her Vicki. She is going to be sharing her personal experience and what she has been through. So welcome, Vicki. Vicki (01:38): Hi. It's great to be here. Anne (01:41): I don't know if great to be here. Is <laugh> the exact right way to put it, right? Vicki (01:47): Well, if it's gonna help anybody, then yes. Did you recognize your husband's abusive behaviors? Anne (01:50): Yes, yes. What you've been through is terrible. But a lot of victims who come on the podcast to share their experience, find it as like a step on their journey to peace in that they're able to like really share their story with a community of women who get it and that can benefit from it. So we're really grateful for you taking the time to share today. So let's start at the beginning of your story. Did you recognize your husband's abusive behaviors? Vicki (02:24): At first, no. I mean, of course at first he was Prince Charming, you know, so there wasn't anything to notice at first. But then very shortly after we were married, I started noticing things that I was like, Hmm, I've never seen that before. Where did that come from? But this went on for months and years, without me being able to say, wait a minute, that's not okay. That's totally abusive. So definitely did not recognize it. Finding ways to live with "strange" (abusive) behavior Anne (02:58): How did you define these? I'll just put in quotes,

Transcribed - Published: 6 February 2024

This episode is Part 3 of the series on the new BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop.Part 1: Brand New Meditations for Victims of Betrayal & AbusePart 2: Find Peace & Calm With Our New BTR.ORG MeditationsPart 3: New Meditations: Are You Ready to Start Healing? (this episode) BTR.ORG Meditations: A Healing Modality for All Sammy, like many members of the BTR.ORG community, is a woman of faith. She shares: "I have typically shied away from meditation because I'm coming from a Christian base and I was afraid of new age-type meditations that I had only briefly heard about. So I kept scripture reading, prayer, and just my own meditation in communing with God, so to speak." Sammy, Member of the BTR.ORG Community All Belief Paradigms Are Welcome & Respected at BTR.ORG Sammy decided to try The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop despite her reservations - and found immense healing and peace. Regardless of your ideology, please know that BTR.ORG resources, included the new Meditation Workshop, are designed with all belief paradigms in mind. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Listen to Sammy's experiences with the new BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop for more, and consider enrolling today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. The last two episodes have been members of our community who are sharing their experience with The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop.I wrote, recorded, and edited it specifically for women in this situation. It includes 13 meditations and they are all really amazing. They cover different topics, even though the beginning of all of the meditations is similar, it uses different words and has a different topic, and then it has a topic specific visualization about halfway through, and women are finding it to be really, really helpful. So I've invited Sammy, another member of our community to share her experience with the meditations today. Before you even listened to it one time, what were your expectations before and then the first time you listened to it, what was your experience? Being open to new healing modalities Sammy (02:21):My experience with meditation, I have typically shied away from it because I'm coming from a Christian base and I was afraid of, I don't know, new age for lack of a better definition type meditations that I had only briefly heard about, so I kept scripture reading, prayer, and just my own meditation in communing with God, so to speak. But I thought, well, no, I'm really open to this. I'll see what I think. Anne (02:52):Just out of curiosity, what made you open to it in the first place? Just that you trusted BTR or - Sammy (02:58):Oh, yes, yes. It was going to be safe and fine, and I always know that, say I started it and it was too triggering, for lack of a better word for me, I can just stop it, knowing that it was coming from a safe source. Using the Workbook with the Meditations Anne (03:14):Before you tried it, did you print out the workbook? Sammy (03:17):Yes, the whole deal. Anne (03:19):How did you feel about like, wait, this is a meditation. I didn't know it was a workbook.

Transcribed - Published: 30 January 2024

This episode is Part 3 of The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop Series. Part 1: Brand New Meditations for Victims of Betrayal & AbusePart 2: Find Peace & Calm With Our New BTR Meditations (this episode)Part 3: New Meditations: Are You Ready to Start Healing? If you, like many victims of betrayal and abuse, are desperate for stillness and peace, there is a new resource available to you. Lily, a member of the BTR.ORG community, found peace in the tumult of trauma by utilizing the new BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop. Tune in and read the full transcript below for more. Chaos on the Outside, Peace on the Inside "With the chaos on the outside, I was able to find some peace and calm on the inside. And the meditations made that possible." Lily, Member of the BTR.ORG Community We understand how exhausting it is to face the trauma of betrayal and abuse. You deserve peace - and some victims find it in the stillness of trauma-informed meditation. Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.ORG, developed The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop to offer you peace and healing regardless of what your circumstances may be. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Enroll in The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop today - and experience the peace and calm that you have always deserved. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Last week I interviewed Pat about her experience with the meditations that I've written. This week, I'm interviewing another member of our community, I'm gonna call her Lily. So she enrolled in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop and then she enrolled in The Meditation Workshop and she's gonna share her experience. Talk to me about how you felt progressively as you did the meditation the first time, the second time, the third time. Do you think that it benefited you to do the same meditation three times? "I was able to find some peace and calm on the inside" Lily (02:03):Yes. I do believe it was beneficial to do it more than once. When I was listening to it, I was also going through a rough week in my divorce process. I found it very grounding to review and do the visualization and then actually to have the same visualization. So while I was going through all the turmoil on the outside, in my circumstances, the meditation and the visualization and the process being the same actually provided some grounding for me to be able to kind of stay steady through it. With the chaos on the outside, I was able to find some peace and calm on the inside. And the meditations made that possible. "I was surprised at just how grounded I felt" I was surprised at just how grounded I felt when I came into this process. And I didn't know that I could get away because my situation is difficult. My husband, he, he went after my son when I got away. He's very destructive. This meditation, it helped me go, okay, no, I deserve this. I can do this, I can get through this. Anne (03:05):It helps you feel more calm? Lily (03:08):Yeah. 'cause my son has an anxiety disorder at this point, and so he feeds off of my anxiety.

Transcribed - Published: 23 January 2024

This episode is Part 1 of The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop series.Part 1: Brand New Meditations For Victims of Abuse & Betrayal (this episode)Part 2: Find Peace & Calm With Our New BTR MeditationsPart 3: New Meditations: Are You Ready to Start Healing? If you've experienced abuse and betrayal, you know chaos and despair. You also know deep yearning for peace and healing - and that's why Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG created The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop. Pat, a member of the BTR.ORG community, shares her insights after taking this workshop - tune in and read the full transcript below for more. Empowerment. Release. Safety. Pat uses powerful words to describe her experiences with The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop. She was able to process her own trauma in new ways - while also developing a determination to teach her children how to identify and establish safety for themselves. BTR.ORG Is Here For You As you work toward safety and healing, know that we are here for you. Navigating betrayal trauma and emotional abuse is extremely difficult - even more so without a supportive community. BTR.ORG exists to support you on your healing journey. Enroll in The BTR.ORG Meditation Workshop today and begin to feel the peace and empowerment that you deserve. Full Transcript: Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. So over the years, I found that for me, meditation was the most healing activity that I could do. I found meditations on YouTube and other places, and I would meditate. In my head, I'd always have to change it up a little bit for my own specific situation because they've been so healing to me. I decided to write meditations for you, for us women in our situation. (01:58):So the meditations that I wrote and recorded and edited, they are for women who are currently experiencing or who have experienced emotional or psychological abuse. Whether you're married or divorced or separated, they're for you and I'm so excited to get these into your hands so that you can start using them to heal. If the meditations sound like something that you want to try for your healing, enroll in The Meditation Workshop. I've invited a member of our community, I'm going to call her Pat, and she has been through the meditations and she's going to share her experience. So Pat, what was your favorite thing about the meditations? Processing Safety Through Meditations Pat (02:44):I love the focus on safety, and I don't think quite honestly, we talk about safety enough in our culture with women. Also, I appreciated the process of walking the idea of safety in all aspects of my life and then having the opportunity to release it. I found myself during the time that I was listening to the meditations contemplating safety in my life. It really opened the door for me to process. I realized that I have not felt safe in my environment ever. especially with my ex-husband. but I see how it was a really slippery slope with being numb to safety in my immediate environment during my marriage because in my culture, safety wasn't the norm. It was very helpful. "I am feeling more empowered to help [my daughters] process sa...

Transcribed - Published: 16 January 2024

What causes male entitlement to women's bodies? Read the layered and complex reasons why some men haven't figured out that women are autonomous individuals.

Transcribed - Published: 9 January 2024

This episode is Part 2 of Anne's interview with Rachel Moran.Part 1: "Consent" Is Harming Us: What You Need to Know Part 2: Male Entitlement to Women's Bodies: The Ugly Truth (this episode) "A Muslim woman from Romania, she'd only been living in Ireland for three weeks at the time that she was killed. A Middle Eastern man who had only been here a couple of months killed her. He killed her because she was a Muslim woman in the western world, sleeping with the infidels. This is what his whole thinking was. They arrested him the next day up in Belfast. He was arguing that they would have to grant him bail because they couldn't possibly pander to his religious convictions if they detained him in prison. He didn't turn up there for a sexual encounter. He killed her in one minute, 57 seconds. That's how long it took him to arrive at her apartment, walk in, murder her, and leave under two minutes. It exemplifies the level and the nature of the brutality that we're dealing with." - Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International Male entitlement to women's bodies is a driving force behind domestic abuse, sexual violence, and homicide. Rachel Moran is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast, taking a deep dive into the subject of male entitlement. Tune into the podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Why Do Men Feel Entitled to Women & Girls? "First of all, society breeds into it into men when they're boys. It doesn't just appear." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International Rachel and Anne work through the origins of male entitlement. It's important to understand that male entitlement isn't biological - there is hope. Just as boys learn to feel ownership over women's bodies, they can learn to be respectful, caring, and observant of autonomy. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Your body is yours - but that's hard to understand when you've experienced sexual coercion, gaslighting, and intimate partner violence. Please seek safety and support. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Today we have Rachel Moran back on today's episode. She's an Irish journalist and she's also the International Director of Policy and Advocacy at the National Center on Sexual Exploitation. If you did not listen last week, start there and then join us here. You'll hear her entire bio. On the episode from last week, we were talking about the problems with consent as the genexplained and described in the general population and how that is in so many ways endangering victims of abuse. So we'll start there. Rachel (02:05):Back again to that term consent. People will simply look at it and say, oh, but you consented. So what's the harm? Or, oh, but she consented. So she has nobody to blame but herself. And that's another really dangerous aspect of the term consent, the way that we use it to excuse, you know, so society uses it in all sorts of, of harmful ways, and that's one of them. Marriage does NOT equal "consent" Anne (02:32):Women who are in an abusive marriage, their husband is abusive. He could say that she consented to marriage. Rachel (02:42):Yeah.

Transcribed - Published: 9 January 2024

What causes male entitlement to women's bodies? Read the layered and complex reasons why some men haven't figured out that women are autonomous individuals.

Transcribed - Published: 9 January 2024

This episode is Part 1 of Anne's interview with Rachel Moran. Part 1: "Consent" Is Harming Us - Here's What You Need to Know (this episode)Part 2: Male Entitlement to Women's Bodies: The Ugly Truth What if the term consent has been harming women all along? Rachel Moran, founder of Space International and author of Paid For, My Journey Through Prostitution, shares her incredible insights and offers correct language that affirms sexual autonomy. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below or more. Here's How the Term "Consent" is Harming Women "The concept of consent is the biggest part of the problem. People say to themselves, oh, well, she consented.  And as long as those women are consenting, well, then no harm, no foul. But the term consent and the concept of consent is misplaced - not only in prostitution, but in conversations about every kind of sexual exchange. Because sex is supposed to be about mutuality, not consent. The term consent is far better suited for commercial exchanges or other kinds of exchanges that are not human, deeply human in their interactions. As soon as we start talking about consent, we remove the intimacy. We remove what it is that actually passes between two people in a sexual exchange and it's not supposed to involve money or any kind of coercion." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International Let's Use "Sexual Mutuality" "The thing is that there is a daily tsunami of abuse and violation that's not only covered up, concealed, but actually condoned through the use of the word consent. At this point, I think it's a frankly dangerous word. In prostitution, it's a sexual one-way street. He's getting the sex that he wants. She's getting the money that she needs. And there is no mutuality whatsoever, which is exactly why the term consent is misapplied. Let's talk about mutuality, sexual mutuality, because what you're talking about there is a sexual two-way street. And I really do think mutuality is that word." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International  BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we understand the pain of processing sexual coercion in an intimate relationship. Please don't bear this trauma alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Rachel founded and led Space International, an international organization formed to give voice to women who have survived the abusive reality of prostitution. She's also the author of the best-selling book Paid For, My Journey Through Prostitution. This book is regarded by legal scholar Katherine McKinnon as the best work by anyone on prostitution ever. (02:16):We are so excited to have you on. Thank you so much for your time, Rachel.

Transcribed - Published: 2 January 2024

What if the term consent has been harming women all along by reinforcing the idea that sex is a transaction that men are entitled to? Rachel Moran, founder of Space International and author of Paid For, My Journey Through Prostitution, shares her incredible insights and offers correct language that affirms sexual autonomy. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below or more. Here's How the Term "Consent" is Harming Women "The concept of consent is the biggest part of the problem. People say to themselves, oh, well, she consented. And as long as those women are consenting, well, then no harm, no foul. But the term consent and the concept of consent is misplaced - not only in prostitution, but in conversations about every kind of sexual exchange. Because sex is supposed to be about mutuality, not consent. The term consent is far better suited for commercial exchanges or other kinds of exchanges that are not human, deeply human in their interactions. As soon as we start talking about consent, we remove the intimacy. We remove what it is that actually passes between two people in a sexual exchange and it's not supposed to involve money or any kind of coercion." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International Let's Use "Sexual Mutuality" "The thing is that there is a daily tsunami of abuse and violation that's not only covered up, concealed, but actually condoned through the use of the word consent. At this point, I think it's a frankly dangerous word. In prostitution, it's a sexual one-way street. He's getting the sex that he wants. She's getting the money that she needs. And there is no mutuality whatsoever, which is exactly why the term consent is misapplied. Let's talk about mutuality, sexual mutuality, because what you're talking about there is a sexual two-way street. And I really do think mutuality is that word." Rachel Moran, Founder of Space International BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we understand the pain of processing sexual coercion in an intimate relationship. Please don't bear this trauma alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Rachel founded and led Space International, an international organization formed to give voice to women who have survived the abusive reality of prostitution. She's also the author of the best-selling book Paid For, My Journey Through Prostitution, regarded by legal scholar Katherine McKinnon as the best work by anyone on prostitution ever. (02:16): We are so excited to have you on. Thank you so much for your time, Rachel. Rachel (02:21): Thank you so much for having me. Prostitution, Sex Trafficking, and Male Entitlement to Women's Bodies Anne (02:23): We're going to talk today about prostitution and sex trafficking and we appreciate all that you've done to help women survivors all over the world. So let's start with the fundamental issue of men having this sense of entitlement to women's bodies. Rachel (02:43): It's existed across time, but it's changed shape, if you know what I'm saying, and intensity also across time. And I think in the last 20, 25 years or so since we've had the Internet, social media, all these different mechanisms through which men are bombarded with that message every day. Especially when you're talking about, you know, 20-something young guys today, they never lived in a world without the Internet. They cannot conceive of it. I'll be eternally grateful that I was born in the mid-1970s and I'll always be able to see the Internet as something that came along at one particular point in time and wasn't always there.

Transcribed - Published: 2 January 2024

This post is part of a series. Join us for: Part 1: I Think My Husband is Gaslighting Me What does gaslighting look like? How do successful, intelligent women end up in relationships with manipulative gaslighters? How can victims begin to seek safety from gaslighters? Dr. Robin Stern is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast answering these questions and more. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Let's Talk About Gaslighting "I don't know if you're right or you're not right. But I know that I just can't be with you anymore." - Dr. Robin Stern Gaslighting is so difficult to identify that many victims don't even know that they're being abused. For some victims, it's helpful to know that you don't have to be able to articulate what's happening - you just have to listen to your heart as you recognize that what's happening is not okay. This podcast episode detail BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR, we know how painful it can be to live in the confusing world of grooming and gaslighting. At one moment, things may be crystal clear, and the next you may feel like you're living in a puddle of mud and confusion. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today as you begin your journey to healing. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Dr. Robin Stern and I had such a great time talking last week. She's from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. We ended last week talking about when abusers abuse by claiming they are being abused. When they abuse their victims by lying about their own feelings, manipulating them or telling some kind of sob story to make their victim seem like the perpetrator. Dr. Robin Stern (02:04): It's what you do about your feelings and with your feelings and in a relationship, how you bring your feelings in in those moments of co-regulating. Abusers & Therapy Anne (02:14): There's a pitfall with abusers and therapy. The pitfall is that they know what the right answer is. They know that if they say they are being abused, then someone will be like, those are your feelings. I truly believe that a lot of the time they are lying because they know what they need to say to gain empathy or to gain validation. When the compulsive liar, when they tell you their quote unquote feelings, I'm not saying that we should discount people's feelings. That is not what I'm saying. But a known compulsive liar and a known abuser, knowing that they are going to lie about their own feelings in order to manipulate people. Dr. Robin Stern (02:58): Yes, very often. Absolutely. "This is how they manipulate." Anne (03:00): For someone to say, I'm going to take this known manipulative person and this known compulsive liar and be like, oh, you're feeling sad? Okay. And not be like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This is how they manipulate. So they might not be feeling sad at all. We don't actually know how they actually feel because they won't ever tell you. Dr. Robin Stern (03:19): And we don't know how other people feel. We can only know when they tell us. And if they lie to us as well as themselves, especially to us, there's no authentic communication. The goal is not to sit there and say, oh, so you're feeling abused or you're feeling sad. Let's talk more about that. So then what did you do? If somebody's telling you in a moment about an interaction, what was the interaction? What are the consequences with your wife when you feel that? Well, the consequence in this case was violence. And that's not okay. That's abuse.

Transcribed - Published: 26 December 2023

Uncover the secrets of gaslighting as Dr. Robin Stern and Anne explore emotional abuse, exposing manipulation tactics and offering insights for victims.

Transcribed - Published: 26 December 2023

"Am I crazy?" If you've asked yourself this question, you're in the right place. Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, is on The BTR.ORG Podcast. An expert on gaslighting, Dr. Stern is detailing the three types of gaslighters and the tactics they use to make victims feel crazy. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more. The Glamorous Gaslighter "He brings glamour into your life, buys you gifts, showers you with love and affection, tells you you're amazing, makes you feel like the most special person in the world and that the two of you are soulmates. You have something that is so special. Then after he has been missing for a couple of days, or after he won't answer your questions or has lied to you, and you're feeling confused and crazy and complaining about that, he will come in and shower you with everything I just said. You're so amazing. Don't you know how much I love you?" - Dr. Robin Stern Anne shares that the glamorous gaslighter grooms victims by using manipulative kindness - a tactic that lures victims into believing they're loved and safe. The Good Guy Gaslighter "He's someone who people really like. He's very accommodating - even in the way he approaches you and talks through things. It's hard to spot the good guy gaslighter because often you end up getting what you want on the surface." - Dr. Robin Stern The good guy gaslighter uses covert abuse to condition everyone, including the victim, into believing that the victim is the problem, rather than his deceit and manipulation. The Intimidator Gaslighter "Somebody who's a bully. Somebody who uses verbal abuse. Somebody who might be on the threshold of using physical violence." - Dr. Robin Stern The intimidator gaslighter may seem easier to identify - however, Dr. Stern shares an example of an intimidator gaslighter turning tables on a victim so covertly that Dr. Stern's team had difficulty identifying the gaslighting in a scenario where the abuser had used physical violence against the victim. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Gaslighting is notoriously difficult to identify and seek safety from. BTR.ORG is here for you. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today as you begin your journey to safety. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.org. This is Anne. I am delighted to have Dr. Robin Stern on today's episode. She is the co-founder and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a senior consultant at the Yale New Haven Hospital. (01:40): She is a licensed psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience treating individuals, couples and families. She's the author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life and The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide: Your Personal Journey Toward Healing from Emotional Abuse. Dr. Stern has been a guest on many local and national radio shows and has traveled widely to lecture on emotional intelligence, women in leadership, and relational bullying. Welcome, Dr. Stern. Dr. Robin Stern (02:12): Thank you so much, Anne. Thank you so much for having me on this show and for doing this work to help women. I'm delighted. What is Gaslighting? Anne (02:21): Let's start with the definition of gaslighting since you're the gaslighting expert. Dr. Robin Stern (02:25): So gaslighting is a form of manipulation in a power dynamic where the person more powerful seeks to sow seeds of doubt in the person less powerful in order to lead them to question their memory, their sanity, their character. Anne (02:43):

Transcribed - Published: 19 December 2023

This is Part 1 of Anne's interview with Dr. Stern. Part 1: "I Think My Husband is Gaslighting Me" (this episode) Part 2: Everything You Need to Know About Gaslighting "I think my husband is gaslighting me; am I crazy?" If you've asked yourself this question, you're in the right place. Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, is on The BTR.ORG Podcast. An expert on gaslighting, Dr. Stern is detailing the three types of gaslighters and the tactics they use to make YOU feel crazy. Are you ready for the information and validation you need and deserve? The Glamorous Gaslighter "He brings glamour into your life, buys you gifts, showers you with love and affection, tells you you're amazing, makes you feel like the most special person in the world and that the two of you are soulmates. You have something that is so special. Then after he has been missing for a couple of days, or after he won't answer your questions or has lied to you, and you're feeling confused and crazy and complaining about that, he will come in and shower you with everything I just said. You're so amazing. Don't you know how much I love you?" - Dr. Robin Stern Anne shares that the glamorous gaslighter grooms victims by using manipulative kindness - a tactic that lures victims into believing they're loved and safe. The Good Guy Gaslighter "He's someone who people really like. He's very accommodating - even in the way he approaches you and talks through things. It's hard to spot the good guy gaslighter because often you end up getting what you want on the surface." - Dr. Robin Stern The good guy gaslighter uses covert abuse to condition everyone, including the victim, into believing that the victim is the problem, rather than his deceit and manipulation. The Intimidator Gaslighter "Somebody who's a bully, somebody who uses verbal abuse, somebody who might be on the threshold of using physical violence." - Dr. Robin Stern The intimidator gaslighter may seem easier to identify - however, Dr. Stern shares an example of an intimidator gaslighter turning tables on a victim so covertly that Dr. Stern's team had difficulty identifying the gaslighting in a scenario where the abuser had used physical violence against the victim. BTR.ORG Is Here For You Gaslighting is notoriously difficult to identify and seek safety from. BTR.ORG is here for you. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today as you begin your journey to safety. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.org. This is Anne. I am delighted to have Dr. Robin Stern on today's episode. She is the co-founder and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a senior consultant at the Yale New Haven Hospital. (01:40): She is a licensed psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience treating individuals, couples and families. She's the author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life and The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide: Your Personal Journey Toward Healing from Emotional Abuse. Dr. Stern has been a guest on many local and national radio shows and has traveled widely to lecture on emotional intelligence, women in leadership, and relational bullying. Welcome, Dr. Stern. Dr. Robin Stern (02:12): Thank you so much, Anne. Thank you so much for having me on this show and for doing this work to help women. I'm delighted. What is Gaslighting? Anne (02:21): Let's start with the definition of gaslighting since you're the gaslighting expert.

Transcribed - Published: 19 December 2023

Tune in with Anne and Paige as they explore the role of nutrition and therapeutic activities for women experiencing pregnancy in trauma and abuse.

Transcribed - Published: 12 December 2023

This post is part of a series. Join us for: Part 1: The Dangers of Armchair Pathology Part 2: Is My Husband Enmeshed With His Mother? Part 3: Can Herbal Medicine Help With Betrayal Trauma Symptoms? It's often difficult to identify and then seek safety from abuse and betrayal. But when you're pregnant? It can be even more difficult - your body, hormones, and immediate future require nourishment, attention, and focus. Paige is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast with Anne, and together, they share their experiences of processing trauma while pregnant. Tune in the The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more. I'm Pregnant, and I'm in Trauma - Help! If you're pregnant and experiencing trauma as a result of your partner's infidelity and emotional or psychological abuse and sexual coercion, consider that your safety and health are the number one priorities right now. Paige shares some steps that you may consider taking right away to work toward creating safety so that you and your baby can experience the health that you deserve: * Confide in your practitioner about the abuse and trauma, if it's safe to do so. * Prioritize hydration and nutrition, making sure that your physical needs are met. * Tune in to your body, and consider putting physical proximity between yourself and the abuser so that a degree of calm is established within your body and the physical space that you are living in. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we understand the inner conflict between wanting the relationship to work out so that the child has two parents, and wanting to create safety and independence away from the abuser so that the child doesn't have to feel the same fear, emotional dysregulation, and panic that you experience as a result of your partner's behaviors. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session - joining a safe community offers victims a space to process trauma. We'd love to see you in a session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. (00:56): Paige, a member of our community, is back today. We're continuing our conversation. We started talking a few weeks ago, so go back to the beginning. Listen to that first if you haven't yet, and then join us here today. Paige and I start off talking about the different ways to heal, how there are lots of different options for victims. I'm going to start off talking about the things that helped me. Exploring Healing Strategies (01:51): I really love meditation. I love yoga. I love walks. I love hikes outside. Some women are interested in herbal remedies. Some women are interested in essential oils. As you experiment with healthy coping strategies, you can see what works for you because everybody's different. I know it's not all, but the majority of my listeners have experienced a pregnancy at one point in their lives, and some may be pregnant now. As a midwife, can you talk a little bit about experiencing emotional and psychological abuse and experiencing betrayal when you are pregnant? I had some super traumatic things occur, as I'm sure so many women have who listened. When I was pregnant, especially with my first son, it was so emotionally abusive and crazy and just awful that I ended up on bedrest. I couldn't get out of bed, and I had pretty severe contractions. In the end, my cervix would not open, not even a little bit, not even after 36 hours of Pitocin, so I had to have a C-section. I had a lot of pregnancy complications,

Transcribed - Published: 12 December 2023

This episode is Part 4 of Anne's interview with Paige. Part 1: "Armchair Pathology": What You Need to Know Part 2: Is My Husband Enmeshed With His Mother? Part 3: Can Herbal Medicine Help With Betrayal Trauma Symptoms? Part 4: Navigating Pregnancy When You're in Trauma (this episode) It's often difficult to identify and then seek safety from abuse and betrayal. But when you're pregnant? It can be even more difficult - your body, hormones, and immediate future require nourishment, attention, and focus. Paige is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast with Anne, and together, they share their experiences of processing trauma while pregnant. I'm Pregnant, and I'm in Trauma - Help! If you're pregnant and experiencing trauma as a result of your partner's infidelity and emotional or psychological abuse and sexual coercion, consider that your safety and health are the number one priorities right now. Paige shares some steps that you may consider taking right away to work toward creating safety so that you and your baby can experience the health that you deserve: * Confide in your practitioner about the abuse and trauma, if it's safe to do so. * Prioritize hydration and nutrition, making sure that your physical needs are met. * Tune in to your body, and consider putting physical proximity between yourself and the abuser so that a degree of calm is established within your body and the physical space that you are living in. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we understand the inner conflict between wanting the relationship to work out so that the child has two parents, and wanting to create safety and independence away from the abuser so that the child doesn't have to feel the same fear, emotional dysregulation, and panic that you experience as a result of your partner's behaviors. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session - joining a safe community offers victims a space to process trauma. We'd love to see you in a session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:01): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. (00:56): Paige, a member of our community, is back today. We're continuing our conversation. We started talking a few weeks ago, so go back to the beginning. Listen to that first if you haven't yet, and then join us here today. Paige and I start off talking about the different ways to heal, how there are lots of different options for victims. I'm going to start off talking about the things that helped me. Exploring Healing Strategies (01:51): I really love meditation. I love yoga, I love walks. I love hikes outside. Are you interested in essential oils or herbal remedies? As you experiment with healthy coping strategies, you can see what works for you because everybody's different. I know it's not all, but the majority of my listeners have experienced a pregnancy at one point in their lives. Some may be pregnant now. Complications due to Trauma & Abuse As a midwife, can you talk a little bit about experiencing emotional and psychological abuse and experiencing betrayal when you are pregnant? I had some super traumatic things occur, as I'm sure so many women have who listened. When I was pregnant, I ended up on bedrest. Especially with my first son, my husband was extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive. I couldn't get out of bed, and I had pretty severe contractions. In the end, my cervix would not open, not even a little bit. Not even after 36 hours of Pitocin, so I had to have a C-section. I had a lot of pregnancy complications.

Transcribed - Published: 12 December 2023

This post is part of a series. Join us for: Part 1: The Dangers of Armchair Pathology Part 2: Is My Husband Enmeshed With His Mother? Just as every victim experiences betrayal trauma symptoms differently, victims also find comfort and healing using different healing modalities. Paige is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast, discussing herbal medicines for betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma affects the body It's important for victims of betrayal and abuse to understand that our bodies can be deeply affected, even when physical violence is never used. Many women in our community express that they have experienced: * Depression * Anxiety * Sleep issues * Digestive issues * Autoimmune diseases * Paranoia * Chronic pain, including pelvic pain Can herbal medicines help me heal from betrayal trauma? In our community, we've found that the only way for women to even begin healing from betrayal trauma and abuse, is to seek safety. Healing modalities, like herbal remedies, medical care, meditation, and therapy, can often help women gain the mental clarity and strength that they need to develop safety - and work toward greater healing in the aftermath of achieving safety. BTR.ORG is here for you At BTR.ORG, we know how desperately victims desire healing and peace. Please prioritize your safety and understand that healing can only occur where safety is present. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have Paige back on the episode today. We were talking about boundaries with her in-laws, and I started talking about our Living Free Workshop, which teaches victims strategies for how to think and communicate and how to set boundaries. We include tactical strategy for how to set boundaries that is more safe and also thought tactics and communication tactics to deal with abusers. Generally speaking, we're talking about abusive husbands, but these strategic things work with all kinds of abusive people. Knowing what strategies to use is really important, so if you're interested in that, check out our website. It's a really cool workshop. I want everyone who listens to the podcast to take it because it's the foundation of all the basic tactical things to keep yourself safe. We don't promote divorce here. We're all about safety. Have you taken our Living Free Workshop yet? Safety is going to look different for everybody. It's more about recognizing what's unsafe and being able to separate yourself from the harm in ways that are safe rather than in ways that might injure you more. Because I did a lot of things trying to be safe that I was doing the best I could. So it wasn't necessarily my fault, but my lack of education about what to do, and there wasn't anyone to give me the education. So it also wasn't my fault, but injured me further unfortunately. So that's what we're trying to avoid by offering that Living Free Workshop. So in addition to knowing tactical strategies, how to think about the situation and how to communicate, and none of these things are victim blaming issues. We at BTR see victims as just injured through no fault of their own, and then we are helping them gain skills to heal and to get to safety, but not because they're not smart or not because they didn't make good choices or anything like that, but just because that type of education wasn't available for whatever reason. And so that's what we do here.

Transcribed - Published: 5 December 2023

This post is part of a series. Join us for Part One: The Dangers of Armchair Pathology and Part Three: Can Herbal Medicine Help Heal Betrayal Trauma Symptoms? Enmeshment is a concept that can be difficult to understand, especially in the context of betrayal trauma and abuse. Paige is back on The BTR.ORG Podcast, discussing enmeshment. Read the full transcript below for more. What is enmeshment? "Enmeshment in itself is too much closeness, but it's too much closeness and involvement at a cost to one's own journey or independence or autonomy." Paige, Member of the BTR.ORG Community Are enmeshed-men responsible for their abusiveness? As Anne explains in this podcast episode, victims may be reluctant to hold abusers accountable if they exhibit traits of mother-enmeshed men. However, it's important to understand that many adults carry childhood and trauma, including enmeshment, and still do not choose to abuse others. BTR.ORG Is Here For You As you listen to this episode and learn more about enmeshment, remember that our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe place to process your experiences and emotions. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have Paige, a member of our community back on today's episode. If you didn't listen to last week, start there and then join us here. We're going to start with what we ended with last week talking about how dangerous it is to put a bunch of victims in a room and then tell them that they're broken rather than tell them that they're brave. Look at their own character defects rather than realizing, wait, wait, wait. We're victims of abuse. We're strong, we're brave. We can get to safety. Just thinking back on that is taking my breath away right now. Like, Ugh, that was just so yucky.. Paige (03:50): Well, and it's the hope to not have somebody else experiencing that yuckiness. I spent a lot of my childhood in 12 step meetings because we'd go along with our parent and then my spouse started CR. Anne (04:11): CR, what's that? 12-Step Programs - "This is not my jam" Paige (04:14): Celebrate Recovery. When he started with that 12 step program and going to their meetings, they had a family type meal beforehand and this and that, and so I'd go for the meal and then I'd leave because I was like, this is not my jam. It's just not for me. And I had people, especially women within their group that would stand near the door to try and interact with me, to stop me as I was leaving in very passive aggressive ways and my husband in witnessing that and in knowing me, he started just escorting me to the door because he is like, no, if my wife wants to leave, if she doesn't want to be a part of this, I'm going to physically be a barrier because he wasn't going to allow further abuse. Anne (05:13): Coercion, right? "I'm not keen to participate in models that essentially enable abusers" Paige (05:15): Coercion. Further coercion, yeah, that's a great word for it. He wasn't going to allow that to continue, and I certainly was getting really frustrated with it where I'm just like, let's talk about some of these steps. In all honesty, lemme be real direct with, and I get that they found their own identity and healing and stuff in those models. I'm just not keen to participate in models that essentially enable abusers because so much of it, they use terminology to gaslight partners or be like, oh, just stay on your side of the street. Anne (06:02): I think the ethical answer would be, get off the street.

Transcribed - Published: 28 November 2023

What is "Armchair Pathology" and how is it harming betrayal trauma victims? Paige is on The BTR.ORG Podcast. Tune in to find out.

Transcribed - Published: 21 November 2023

Armchair Pathology: The pathologizing (diagnosing, whether by a formal diagnosis or simply a suggestion) of an individual without thorough, knowledge-based, individualized care by a provider or advocate. In other words, when a provider or advocate labels a victim with certain pathology without spending time actually treating or working with that individual. Paige is on The BTR.ORG Podcast explaining the dangers of armchair psychology. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Why is "Armchair Pathology" a Dangerous Practice? The symptoms of trauma often mimic mental illnesses, disorders, and pseudo-psychological conditions (like "codependency"). Meaning that when providers do not factor in trauma and abuse to a client's profile, any diagnosis or suggestion can be completely inaccurate. Have YOU Experienced the Dangers of "Armchair Pathology"? Some victims have experienced the dangers of armchair pathology without even realizing it - because this practice has become so normalized. You can ask yourself these questions: * Have I been "diagnosed" with a mental illness, disorder, or something else without ever having visited a provider? * Have I been prescribed medication without having been given a diagnosis? * Was I given a serious diagnosis after only one visit, or after a telehealth appointment? * Was I given a serious diagnosis after my husband spoke with the provider? BTR.ORG Is Here For You Too many women are subjected to severe abuse by so-called experts who push medication and wrongful diagnoses on them, without factoring in the effects of trauma and abuse. If you worry that you may be experiencing the dangers of armchair pathology, please seek support right away. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today to process your experiences. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have a member of our community. We're going to call her Paige on today's episode. Welcome, Paige. Paige (03:19): Hi, thanks for having me. What is "Armchair Pathologizing"? Anne (03:21): Paige came on today's episode to address a variety of topics and we're going to start with armchair pathologizing of victims. So Paige, what is armchair pathologizing? Paige (03:34): It is when people are labeled with a disorder or a diagnosis without actually having had interactions or contact with a provider or advocate. Anne (03:51): Can you give some examples of that? Examples of "Armchair Pathology" Paige (03:53): One great example is we see it a lot with celebrities where you have experts in psychological fields say, oh, well this person obviously has narcissistic personality disorder, or this person's presenting with borderline personality disorder when these professionals don't have a relationship with these individuals, so they're just observing things from the outside and not actually treating them in any capacity, which makes their statements unethical. We see it a lot in the betrayal trauma community where, oh, well, you're just not healed enough or You're just triggered because you're not healed. Especially when women are countering the narrative that they are codependent or trauma bonded or any of these victim blaming labels and they're like, no, that's not the case. I'm actively being abused and this is why what you're saying is harmful and perpetuating that abuse and that abuse mindset, and then they're just dismissed as not being healed that they just don't understand because they're not healed, they're triggered. Does anger = a lack of healing? (Spoiler - no!)

Transcribed - Published: 21 November 2023

This episode is Part 3 of Anne's interview with Paige. Part 1: "Armchair Pathology": What You Need to Know (this episode) Part 2: Is My Husband Enmeshed With His Mother? Part 3: Can Herbal Medicine Help With Betrayal Trauma Symptoms? Part 4: Navigating Pregnancy When You're in Trauma Armchair Pathology: The pathologizing (diagnosing, whether by a formal diagnosis or simply a suggestion) of an individual without thorough, knowledge-based, individualized care by a provider or advocate. In other words, when a provider or advocate labels a victim with certain pathology without spending time actually treating or working with that individual. Paige is on The BTR.ORG Podcast explaining the dangers of armchair psychology. Tune in to The BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Why is "Armchair Pathology" a Dangerous Practice? The symptoms of trauma often mimic mental illnesses, disorders, and pseudo-psychological conditions (like "codependency"). Meaning that when providers do not factor in trauma and abuse to a client's profile, any diagnosis or suggestion can be completely inaccurate. Have YOU Experienced the Dangers of "Armchair Pathology"? Some victims have experienced the dangers of armchair pathology without even realizing it - because this practice has become so normalized. You can ask yourself these questions: * Has a provider or advocate diagnosed me with a mental illness, disorder, or something else, without ever having seen or spoken with me? * Have I been prescribed medication without having been given a diagnosis? * Was I given a serious diagnosis after only one visit, or after a telehealth appointment? * Did the provider give me a diagnosis after speaking with my husband? BTR.ORG Is Here For You Too many so-called experts subject women to severe harm. If you worry that you may be experiencing the dangers of armchair pathology, please seek support right away. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today to process your experiences. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. We have a member of our community. We're going to call her Paige on today's episode. Welcome, Paige. Paige (03:19): Hi. Thanks for having me. What is "Armchair Pathologizing"? Anne (03:21): Paige came on today's episode to address a variety of topics. We're going to start with armchair pathologizing of victims. So Paige, what is armchair pathologizing? Paige (03:34): It is when peopleare labeled with a disorder or a diagnosis without actually having had interactions or contact with a provider or advocate. Anne (03:51): Can you give some examples of that? Examples of "Armchair Pathology" Paige (03:53): One great example is we see it a lot with celebrities. Expert in psychological fields say, oh, well this person obviously has narcissistic personality disorder. Or this person's presenting with borderline personality disorder. But these professionals don't have a relationship with these individuals. So they're just observing things from the outside and not actually treating them in any capacity. Which makes their statements unethical. We see it a lot in the betrayal trauma community. Oh, well, you're just not healed enough. You're just triggered because you're not healed. Especially when women are countering the narrative that they are codependent or trauma bonded or any of these victim blaming labels and they're li...

Transcribed - Published: 21 November 2023

Post-traumatic growth may feel like a dream that's out of reach if you've been a victim of betrayal trauma and emotional and psychological abuse. But Simona Nicolais' research findings show us that post-traumatic growth is absolutely attainable for victims. Read the full transcript below and listen to The BTR.ORG Podcast for more. It's Post-Traumatic Growth - Not Current-Traumatic Growth Victims are often conditioned to believe that they should be changing and growing despite the onslaught of pain and trauma that comes from sexual coercion, gaslighting, emotional abuse, and financial control. Abusers expect victims to walk on eggshells, perform their "roles" perfectly, and thrive in every aspect of life. Of course, at BTR.ORG, we know that when you're facing active abuse, even surviving day-to-day life can feel unbearable. Post-Traumatic Growth is possible when victims have courageously placed proximity between themselves and the harmful behavior. 3 Steps Toward Post-Traumatic Growth If you're wondering how to begin your journey toward Post-Traumatic Growth, you might consider taking these initial steps: * Identify the source of the trauma - what forms of abuse are you experiencing? * Seek support as you begin to process the reality of abuse and plan how you will establish proximity between yourself and the harmful behaviors that are causing trauma. * Implement action steps to remove yourself from harmful situations, people, and behaviors. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we know how difficult it is to accept that you're experiencing abuse. We also know how hopeful it is to know that Post-Traumatic Growth is a real possibility after betrayal. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today to begin processing your experiences. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I am so excited to introduce to you Simona Nicolais. I recently met her. She is incredible, and she is a doctoral student at Auburn University. She's a licensed therapist and she is doing her doctoral studies on post-traumatic growth. I was lucky enough to be able to participate in her study as well as many women in our BTR community, so I wanted to have her on to talk about her study and talk about the things that she's doing currently. She works in private practice in Birmingham, Alabama, and she specializes in working with partners of porn addicts and sex addicts. So welcome, Simona. Simona (03:51): Well, thank you, Anne. I am so excited to be with you and thanks for having me on your podcast. Studying Post-Traumatic Growth Anne (03:58): Yes, so we were talking when I was participating in your study. It was really interesting, and then we had a conversation after that was really interesting. So let's just talk about your study, first of all, and then some of the things that we discussed. Let's start with your study, Simona (04:16): By the way, I loved having you on my study as a participant. I realized that there's a gap in literature surrounding post-traumatic growth, which is really the growth that people experience after a whole lot of suffering and a whole lot of trauma. And I just wanted to study post-traumatic growth in partners of porn and sex addicts, which is a population that I work with. I got interested in this subject because over the years I would start seeing partners and the beginning was really rough, and we all know that just the first six months, people come in and they are so disoriented and just not knowing if there's anything good after this and if they will survive it, if they will ever make meaning of this, if they will find hope or life after,

Transcribed - Published: 14 November 2023

This interview is part of a series. Join us here for part one: What You Need to Know About Emotional & Psychological Abuse The French Fry Analogy Anne and Virginia use the "French Fry Analogy" on this podcast interview to explain why lying, gaslighting, and blame-shifting about "small things" can be a HUGE red flag. In this analogy, your husband tells you that he's made the decision to stop eating from McDonald's for his health. But when you're using his car one day, you lose a quarter and as you search for it, you happen upon a McDonald's French Fry: "When you were like, 'Hey, where's this french fry from?' If he's a healthy person, he might say something to you like, 'Oh, I know I forgot to tell you, but I wanted to stop eating McDonald's. But I did go and I ate french fries. One of 'em must have gone missing; I'm embarrassed about it and I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep doing my goal right now." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG A "Small Lie" Can Indicate BIG Problems "Let's pretend that that whole scenario is the same, but instead when you find that french fry, you go in and you say, 'Hey, I found this french fry.' And they say to you, 'I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even see a french fry.' Or, 'I don't know how that got there. One of the kids must've had french fries and got in my car and dropped it there,' and they start gaslighting and lying. They would not be a healthy person. That would be psychological abuse and emotional abuse, even if it was just about a french fry, deceit and gaslighting and turning the tables. And then to take it even further, if they were like, 'Why were you going through my car and why are you trying to check up on me?' And maybe even, 'I don't even know what you're talking about. I never told you that I wasn't going to eat at McDonald's. Of course I'm going to eat at McDonald's.' So you can see all the levels of abuse that might happen due to that french fry if the person was abusive." Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG It Doesn't Matter if It's About Something Big Or Small A Lie is Still a Lie Gaslighting, blame-shifting, lying, deception, and turning-tables are emotional and psychological abuse - whether they're about a french fry, infidelity, finances, or anything else. Emotional and psychological abuse do severe harm to victims. If your husband is employing these tactics about small things, consider that you may not be experiencing emotional and psychological safety. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG, we offer resources to help you identify and process reality. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00): Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Virginia is back on the podcast. Today we're talking about other modes of learning through metaphors. We talked about infographics last week. We're also going to talk about the meditations. If you missed last week, start there first and then join us here, and we're just going to jump right in. So Virginia was mentioning that a while back that I had said just a little bit about this analogy that we call The French Fry Analogy, and she had searched around on our website to try and find it and she couldn't find it. (03:44): So we are going to go over it again today just in case our memory is not serving us correctly, and perhaps I didn't talk about it on the podcast, but it's a really good analogy. So here's the analogy that she was like, Hey, you should talk about this again. Alright, so let's pretend like your husband is a healthy person, that he's not emotionally or psychologically abusive,

Transcribed - Published: 7 November 2023