What up ladies this is Lisa Biliou and this episode right here is a soul stirring jaw dropping no holding back kind of conversation and damn am I here for it. Now we're talking about the thing that breaks more women than anything else and that is trusting someone with your heart, your body, your future, your dreams, your soul and getting absolutely crushed by their. Now ladies, what if I told you that your heartbreak doesn't actually have to freaking break you and that the power to protect your peace, your confidence and your downward is in your hands? Now yes, I'm not looking to be frilly, I don't just say those words to just say it so you can feel good for three minutes. I'm actually asked you in a serious question. You absolutely can hold power even through heartbreak. Now I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying that on the journey you're not going to be freaking triggered and you may even get triggered in today's interview. But the reason why you listen to women of impact is so that you can actually make change. I'm not here just to cuddle you. I want to cuddle you but I'm not just here to to cuddle you I'm here to shake us all awake from what the reality actually is because I'm just freaking fed up of us women Not feeling like we have the power not feeling like that we don't have the confidence It's time to actually change that and what happens with change is unfortunately metaphorically we're gonna have to slap ourselves in the face to wake up to some of the things that we may be blind to.

Alright, now if you really truly believe that we are in it to improve, not to break ourselves but to improve, we're going to have to hear the hard things. And so guys today Dr. Cheyenne Bryan, a powerhouse psychologist, author and life-freaking coach, is here to be that, honest with us. And in that honesty, there are going to be things that she's going to say that you're not going to like.

There were things that she said that I didn't like.

There are going to be things that she's going to say that you're

not going to like.

There were things that she said that I didn't like.

There are going to be things that we're going to want to push back on.

But you want to know what has actually helped me build my confidence? You want to know what took me from being a stay-at-home wife miserable for eight years to where I am today. It is addressing and embracing the hard frickin' talks, even when I don't like it.

Can I be open enough to hear it so that I have the power to make the change? Alright, so guys, I just had to set that up because I'm telling you, if you're open to hearing this and you don't shut down, there could be some truth that can actually save your heart from ever breaking. Alright, so in this part, we go into why women keep women keep freaking choosing men who end up hurting us. Even when we know better, oh God I hate to say that because I don't want to dismiss your feelings but trust me I can now. I've dated a guy. I knew that he was no good but I still dated him. What the hell? I want to know why I did it and how the hell I could make sure that I never do it again We also talk about what it actually means to trust your gut and not actually get played by potential We talk about how trauma bonds are formed and how to actually break the cycle We then talk about why naivety is not Harmless and how it's actually keeping you stuck and I was there as well guys So you hear me in real time. Have an aha moment of how I was using naivety as a protective mechanism. And then we took what how we can actually reclaim our power after that bib, has betrayed us after that bib has broken our heart. And after that bib has actually tried to manipulate us for years and years. Mahomi, ladies, this episode is a quarter freaking arms for every woman out there. Who has said I just want to be loved and then found herself shrinking, settling or spiraling? Because our partner has taken that trust and freaking thrown it into the garbage? Hell no. We've got to stop that, we've got to change the dynamic, we've got to change the conversation and it comes with talking, with compassion about the hard truth. So if you've got the chops, let's dive in right now to this episode of Women of Impact with my girl Dr. Shai and Brian. Damn, this is a good one. As someone who has counseled men, who have openly admitted to you that they've cheated on their wives or they're currently cheating on their partners, I would love to know what behind closed doors that you've heard is the reason that men actually cheat, that they can go from, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, to them breaking their hearts, betraying their trust and then cheating on their partner. Cheating is, and I'm going to use a trigger word, get ready. It's a narcissistic trait. Let me be clear on this. Narcissistic traits does not mean you are narcissistic. You can have depressive symptoms and not be depressed. You can have anxiety moments and not have anxiety. So when I say it's a narcissistic trait, why do I say that? Because cheating is all about self. It's all about what does it do for me. It has nothing to do with the lack or the deficit of the partner or their relationship. It means I want what I want at the expense of your pain, dismaling your heart, or dismaling this marriage or relationship. And if we have kids, guess what? I don't even care how it affects them. Because cheating when you are in a family dynamic, whether you're married or not, it affects every single moving part in that dynamic. And so it is one of the most narcissistic things people can do. It's also a direct reflection of how broken or dismantled somebody is within themselves because commitment starts with self before I can even give that to you. And commitment is doing what I said I would do regardless of how I feel. Now, narcissistic is very emotionally driven. We know that. And so if I can regulate my emotions to keep my commitment to you, then guess what? I don't step out on what I committed because I'm able to regulate my emotion, cheating if we're talking about let's just go sexual for a moment, right? That is all emotionally driven. It's an appetite that I have that inflames, that takes over me and consumes me that I can't regulate. And so if I can't regulate my emotion, that means I don't have the discipline. And I always say that marriage is for discipline people. And so if I don't have the discipline to say, I have an appetite to step outside this relationship and cheat in any form that I know, would dismantle my partner, my kids and this family, then that is an issue within myself, not you. Okay, that is a very powerful stance from someone's professional that can look at someone like that. Totally. This is why they're doing it. Totally. So now take me behind the scenes when they're telling you what are the reasons and excuses they're giving? And you said it comes from a brokenness. How can we identify those brokenness so that maybe we don't commit to someone that ends up being broken, that ends up breaking our hearts? Love this. Woman tends to fall in love with who the man is in that moment. Hold on, in who she, keyword, she, not who he promises to be, who she believes or she closes with her fairy tale ideology, he will become. That means I found levels who he is in the potential or the fairy tale ideology of him. Okay. Women are not falling in love with the results that their man has already presented. A man who procreates and creates broken families is a man who procreates and creates broken families. So if you know that's the result that he breeds, that means that you chose that result when you chose that man. So woman who come in and think, hey, listen, I'm gonna take this man. He's had, let's just say, multiple divorces. He's been a womanizer in his past for the entirety of his life. This man has not done right by any woman. He's shared that with me. He's expressed that with me through our dating ship. But I believe that I'm different, that he can love me differently, that I can come in and be powerful and shift and change this man. That is a woman who is living in her fairytale. That is a woman who is gonna set herself up for let down and heartbreak. Because the only thing that we can promise somebody is what we've already produced. You have nothing else to bet me with. So anything that you place on me that's futuristic is your stuff, not mine. But let me go further. If a man hasn't kept his promise to previous relationships, wife's, if he hasn't kept it to kids, if he hasn't kept it to those, that means he's not keeping it to himself. If you think that anybody is going to give you more than they give yourself, you are completely, completely setting yourself up for dismantling. It doesn't happen like that. And so when men come in my office, interesting enough, they usually don't come in and say, I cheat it because I'm being honest. Men usually come in and when they are in a one-on-one safe space, they will say, it's not her. It's me. I find more men accountable than women. I've been in this field for 17 years. So if a man cheats, he's more accountable than if a woman cheats. One of women cheats, sure say, you stop loving on me. You stop sending me flowers. You stop being affectionate. You stop calling me after work. After I had the baby, you were no longer attracted to me. You stopped telling me I was beautiful. You don't try to make love to me anymore. You know what a man says? It's not her fault. Now, listen, ladies, I advocate for us. I stand on my square for us, but I also believe in bringing the correct factual awareness so that we have what we need to be in our power and see things differently and be better within ourselves.

And let me tell you, in this is the deal, for some of them, that is accountability. And for some of the other men, let me go there. It is a womanizing trait. It is his way of manipulating to say, I don't wanna cause you more pain than I know I'm already causing you. So I'm not gonna cheat on you and then blame you. Do you see the two different parties?

One is you did nothing, Lisa. I really am accountable. The other one is I knew from the beginning this was going to dismantle you. Now that you're sitting before me dismantle, I don't wanna cause you more pain and tell you it's you. Because men are problem solvers. Women are emotionally driven. Men are saying if solving this problem means I just take accountability, what do you think they gonna do? It's my fault. I did it. Does that make it go away? No. That's why I said, some are taking accountability because that's just really their authenticity of what they believe. Others are doing it from a manipulative angle. Meaning, Lisa, if it shuts you up, if it makes it go away, then guess what? You didn't do anything. It's me, blame me. But that's also what? That is a symptom and a trait of a womanizer. That's what that is. If I can just take accountability to shut you up, to make it go away, then you can help me deflect from what I need to be accountable for. And what happens in most of the time, woman will sign up for, but he is accountable, which means what, he does want to work on it. But let me tell you this, a dog is a dog if they're in the small dog park or the big dog park. And just because he don't bark for five years does that mean he's not a dog? If we have a cute little yorky in here and that yorky only barks on the doorbell rings, does that make that yorky not a dog until the doorbell rings? So every time the doorbell rings we want, we remind it that what? Well, we got a dog in the house. So women will stay with the dog and say, I hope that next time he either takes longer to bark or never barks. And they end up in this pathology and what happens is being what a dog becomes their norm. So then they start to feed the dog, they start to attempt to then love the dog, all while they are what? Losing themselves, starving themselves, and becoming a deficit to themselves. And that's how women lose themselves. Because I am learning how to love a dog.

At the expense of what? Me becoming the dog sitter. You're not going to train a dog. At least you're not going to train it not to be a dog, not to bark, not to want a bone, not to want a treat. Does it mean people doesn't change? It doesn't mean they don't change. What it means is it's back to emotional regulation. What my appetite in flames, do I have the discipline to dissipate and regulate that at which I know is going to dismantle myself and everything else involved? It's all about regulating. And a woman is already broken when she chooses brokenness. Law of attraction is that you attract who you are despite of who you think you are. So broken people are choosing broken people because the only way that you keep brokenness alive is to feed it with what it is, brokenness. Which if a relationship creates an unsafe environment, what does it activate in any of us? Fight or flight? Trauma. Trauma response. Pain. Pain in a relationship is turmoil. It's hostility because that's what pain is. Pain is not pretty. It's ugly. And so we're going to get ugly in here if all we have in our relationship is pain. We don't know anything else and for a lot of women to their defense, when your fatherless, your norm becomes that of what you've never had. And so when you're trying to navigate what does a relationship look like with a man and you're in a blank taboo or blank canvas, you don't know. And so you're going into these relationships waiting for for whoever you choose, any, many, mind, emo is usually how Fodilist women choose men because they don't know to their defense. You choose any, many, or mo. You start to make that relationship beat your norm. And for a lot of women who don't have a guiding system, they become prey to womanizers. They become prey to men who prey on women they can manipulate. And so they don't know the signs. They don't know what to look for. And this is why I advocate so for families and men to be present in the lives of their kids. And I advocate against the broken homes and broken families, because a woman is what her daddy makes her. And if he makes you a woman who has a dysfunctional norm or a deficit, then what do you think you're choosing to feel the emptiness? A man who knows how to keep you empty because subconsciously your norm is deficit. Deficit means I don't feel lovable. Which then does what? teaches this person how to love someone who was deeply rooted in dysfunction. Hand type because after the break Dr. Brian is actually dropping the realist truth I've ever heard about why women stay in relationships to actually tear them down. You're not gonna wanna miss this, it was an our harm moment. We're back, let's dive right back in. Okay, that was so beautifully put. Now can we we ground it into, like, let's say,

a real world scenario. So you had actually said, broken women choose broken men. So let's say a woman's listening right now, she doesn't even necessarily think of herself as broken. And she's just like, but Doc, I go out with this guy, I feel like I've done some work on myself, I feel like I have some self-esteem and he tells me all the things he tells me he loves me, he tells me he wants to be with me forever.

I trust him. I feel like I've done some work on myself. I feel like I have some self-esteem and he tells me all the things.

He tells me he loves me.

He tells me he wants to be with me forever. I trust him and then I find out he's been cheating on me with all these different women. How do we navigate the reality of what has just happened with understanding that it's our choice not to blame but to then give ownership. Self-ownership is the biggest thing in my life. like I freaking love self-ownership.

So while I'm sure some of the audience watching right now

actually doesn't like that,

it's making them feel really young. But to then give ownership. Self-ownorship is the biggest thing in my life. Like I freaking love self-ownorship.

So while I'm sure some of the audience watching right now actually doesn't like that, it's making them feel really uncomfortable. I'm all about how do women take their power and never give it away. And so your message in everything that you say is so empowering. So please keep being honest with me. Even if I feel like you are blaming me, I want to take their ownership. Totally. But how do we start to do that in a scenario like that where I feel like I've done the work?

Yeah.

The guy says, I can trust him. And then he goes and cheats on me. Totally. So, first of all, and this is going to be an unpopular opinion too, I'm sure. A woman who chooses a man who, what you describe has manipulative ways and she doesn't see them means that she already came in powerless because power means I have the ability to trust my spirit, trust my discernment about who I'm dating. When we act out of despair, we miss red flags. When we act out of power, everything becomes present and we're clairvoyant to things. Women can go to dinner with a man and a day to a man and say, I don't see signs, but something feels off. And they usually will continue to date the man based off what they see, not based off what they feel. That is a woman who is not in her power because a woman in her power says, something's off. I trust me over what I see in him because trust is not about the woman trusting the man. It's about her trusting herself. Power is, let me not lie to myself and tell myself he's a husband, knowing I'm only going to get a night of passion out of him. Power is standing in your truth. How many people in general men and women are not standing in the truth of what they want, especially women with societal constructs. That's safe. If you're not married, your value is at a deficit. If you go on a date with a man and all you want is companionship, but you don't want anything serious, what kind of women are you? It says, if you're a woman and you have two or three beautiful kids from your divorce, now you're a damaged woman, now you have weight, now you have baggage. But what about women who's a divorcee says, listen, Lisa, and I, honestly, I just want good trips, some good love making, and a good damn time. So what am I saying is standing in your power as a woman means identifying who the hell you are, where you want to be, where you want to go, despite the outside chatter. Stand on that square and watch everything in the room move to align with you. Too many women are walking in a room. This is my camera. Yeah. Too many women are walking in a room saying, where is the chair?

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