Welcome to the Bump Bible, the highly unanticipated pregnancy podcast where I will be documenting the most annoying rebrand in human history, motherhood.

A treacherous journey convincing women that nine months, actually ten, of becoming a fat fuck of a bitch, hemorrhoids of plenty, pelvic instability,

and having nipples the size of coasters, all while creepy relatives fondle your stomach is magical.

Every week, we'll decode the cult of modern pregnancy.

The apps that compare your fetus to increasingly awkward produce,

the al-Qaeda adjacent women on the internet,

precautioning you to just wait.

Thanks for the hot tip, Jessica,

and all the fun, loving little trials and tribulations of gestation with a sprinkling of late-term abortion jokes.

The Bump Bible is an unedited raw dog account of my pregnancy journey,

starting from the day that I found out I was pregnant,

until I pop this next fucker out and unite my birth canal and my asshole as one.

I'm your host, Jackie Schimmel, and I hope this podcast offers a reprieve to you during this

magical debilitating feat of superhuman strength, sobriety, and selfless suffering. Amen.

A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside, when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the first time,

and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone. Welcome to the Bump Bible. Oh God, it feels so good, guys.

It feels so good. There's no camera. There's no ring lights. There's no Zoom links. It's just me and a

microphone in my house and no visuals.

Hello, everybody.

The date today is March 18th, 2026.

And by now, if you're listening to this, if I don't decide to scrap it because of an abortion or a miscarriage, you know that I'm pregnant with my second child.

And I wanted to do this audio diary, A, because I'd like to shop it and monetize it.

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