Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff, Jesse Thorne. This week, Turtle Power of Attorney.

Halen brings the case against her husband, Adam. In their neighborhood in Virginia, there's a roadside sign reminding drivers to slow down.

Adam says this sign looks like a turtle, which makes sense because

turtles are slow. Kaelin says Adam is wrong. The sign is clearly supposed to be a child.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Is the sign turtly enough for the turtle club?

Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

You're in the desert walking along in the sand and all of a sudden you see a tortoise and it's crawling toward you.

You reach down, you flip the tortoise on its back,

tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs, trying to turn itself over, but it can't, not without your help, but you're not helping. Why is that?

bailiff, Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Kaelin and Adam, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? So help you, God, or whatever. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he is a hair? I do. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Kalin and Adam, you may be seated for an immediate son or gender in one of your favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I reference as I enter the court?

I'm actually going to take it back. I'm going to pose this as a question.

Answer in whatever way you feel represents you. We'll go with you, Adam, first.

You're walking in the desert. You see a tortoise. You flip it over. It's baking in the sun.

It can't survive unless you flip it back over. It needs your help. You're not helping. Why aren't you

helping? I think because the tortoise had given me a dirty look on the way in,

and so just needed to hang out on its back for a little bit. But then I might, you know,

walk away for a little bit, but then come back and flip it back over. I don't think I could

see it suffer for too long. Let the record reflect that Adam made that statement with what can only be described as a feces eating grin on his face.

All right.

Kaelin, what's your guess?

...