The Most Redacted Episode Ever | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave

Society & Culture, Comedy

4.7 • 23.6K Ratings

🗓️ 16 March 2026

⏱️ 77 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

SPONSORS: - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS . Application times may vary. Rates may vary. - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS. - Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion dollars with Acorns. Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. - Your emotional wellbeing matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. - Learn a new Language and get up to 60% off your subscription at https://Babbel.com/BEARS - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura cover everything from Bert’s sorta sober lifestyle, weight loss, sleep improvement, and 5K training to marriage non-negotiables, separate bedrooms, and life on tour. The Bears also react to internet beef between Quentin Tarantino and Rosanna Arquette, joke about the Epstein files, discuss "kept women", talk Trump and Mar-a-Lago, share a tense aborted plane landing story, and spiral into one of their darkest and funniest hypothetical conversations yet. If you missed this show, this one's for you. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 325 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:19 - Bert's Weight Loss Journey 00:07:14 - Tarantino Beef & Unbothered Rogan 00:18:31 - Chef Drama 00:22:51 - Non-Negotiables 00:33:05 - Kept Women, Money, and Wild Relationship Logic 00:39:57 - Bert Learns He's In The Epstein Files 00:43:47 - Trump & Mar-A-Lago 00:50:07 - Dahmer & Plane Crashes 00:54:59 - How Would You Prefer To Die 01:02:23 - What Language Would You Prefer To Be Killed By? 01:06:55 - Racist Thing A Black Guy Told Me 01:11:40 - Vince Vaughan On The Pod? 01:13:35 - Wrap up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	What I've dedicated my life to is revenge.
0:04.0	A brand new drama based on the best-selling novel.
0:07.0	They think they're better than us.
0:08.0	Who do you think you are?
0:10.0	I'm going to prove to them that they're wrong.
0:11.0	She's punishing me.
0:13.0	You destroyed my family.
0:14.0	I will not rest until I've destroyed yours.
0:17.0	A woman of substance on Channel 4 starts tonight at 9.
0:20.0	100%.
0:21.2	Cheers.
0:25.0	Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave for everybody that has not yet done it.
0:31.3	We want to remind you that we are doing the Two Bears 5K May 9th at the Pasadena Rose Bowl.
0:38.3	Hopefully this comes out before May. I think this will come out in September.
0:41.8	Oh, cool. That is a good point. We should have it coming up before then.
0:47.4	This is part of Netflix as a joke festival. Tons of comedians will be there. It's been so fun.
0:55.1	This is our third in a row and our second time back at the Rose Bowl.
0:59.5	It really is like so cool whether you're an avid runner or you're a beginner or you weigh four or 500 or 600 pounds.
1:08.2	Whatever your condition is, you can walk it, you can crawl it, you can get spit on as you do it, you can get run over by a golf cart, you can run as fast as you want. We've almost done as many 5Ks as episodes this year. Yeah, it's awesome. And that's, and we're gonna, it's gonna be a wrap. This is it. This is it guys. No, no I'm excited for the 5k I'm really excited oh and of course hold on you got to register at 2 bears 5k.com so if you want to do it two bears 5k.com it's going to be big this year and and I am the best shape I've ever been in I'm in physically best ever been in I've never felt lighter on my feet well maybe because you're
1:45.1	one of the lightest you've been in years I'm I'm the lightest I've been in uh oh wow in probably
1:52.8	22 years what yeah wait how much do you weigh I don't talk about weight now I've changed my digital footprint Tom I don't you weigh? I don't talk about weight now.
2:01.5	I've changed my digital footprint, Tom.
	...

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