Bert's Not Dead | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave

Society & Culture, Comedy

4.7 • 23.6K Ratings

🗓️ 9 February 2026

⏱️ 62 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

SPONSORS: - Sponsored by Pepsi. Go try Pepsi Zero Sugar today. Let Your Taste Decide. - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code BEARS at https://bluechew.com - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears - Sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears - Head to https://factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off and free breakfast for a year. - Get up to 55% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS. This week on Two Bears, One Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer spiral gloriously through brand loyalty, fast-food hot takes, donuts, Super Bowl commercials, health scares, and the kind of brutally honest conversations only best friends can have. The Bears break down why Pepsi Zero Sugar might actually be better than Coke Zero, debate McDonald’s fries vs. literally everyone else, and revisit classic brand wars like Burger King vs. McDonald’s and Dunkin’ vs. Krispy Kreme. From Blooming Onion horror stories to why you should never order seafood at a steakhouse, this episode is packed with food takes that will absolutely start arguments. Bert also opens up about his recent blood clot scare, panic attacks, medications, and how the experience completely shifted his perspective on health, mortality, and gratitude. The guys also talk sleep apnea machines, Benadryl addictions, Mounjaro side effects, testosterone confusion, and why medical advice somehow never agrees ever. Plus: donut shop conspiracies in Los Angeles, Cambodian vs. Vietnamese sandwich excellence, Krispy Kreme’s wild history, Instagram’s “fatties eating” algorithm, tracking down Ari Shaffir in the jungle, and why the 2 Bears 5K might literally save lives. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 324 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:06 - Brand Wars 00:07:07 - Weight Loss Drugs 00:14:58 - Pepsi Challenge 00:22:40 - I Bought A Donut Shop 00:39:22 - Coin Pusher 00:40:54 - 2 Bears 5K Is Back! 00:45:13 - Bert's Blood Clot 00:49:38 - Where In The World Is Ari Shaffir? 00:54:39 - Black Appreciation 01:00:41 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	100%
0:02.0	Let me tell you something.
0:06.0	I'm gonna be real, okay?
0:07.0	Look, we all grew up in McDonald's.
0:09.0	McDonald's fucking rocks.
0:10.0	McDonald's is awesome, but I'm gonna be really honest.
0:13.0	McDonald's, Big Mac, their signature sandwich, does not hold a candle to a whopper with cheese or to a baconator.
0:19.0	And that is fucking facts. Wow.
0:21.7	Okay?
0:22.4	Yeah.
0:22.7	We did a taste test here in the thing.
0:24.9	McDonald's cheeseburgers, McDonald's fries are tops.
0:27.5	No one's ever going to beat McDonald's fries.
0:28.7	I was going to say because I think anyone's opinion becomes invalid if they start putting other fries above Mickey D's fries.
0:35.8	It's impossible.
0:36.5	It's impossible.
0:38.1	McDonald's. And piping impossible. It's impossible. McDonald's.
0:39.2	And piping hot, by the way. Piping hot. I want it to burn me. I want it to burn my fingers and I want my mouth. Isn't it crazy how your fingers will burn harder than your mouth? If you touch a hot wing, you're like, ooh, those are hot, but then you put it in your mouth. It's not that bad. Well, I actually finally go,
0:54.8	Okay, ready?
0:56.0	Let's go to brands.
0:57.3	Buffalo Wild Wings or Hooters? Wild Wings. You'd go for Hooters? Now, I'm going to tell you, I just think that. I haven't had either in a while. I've had Buffalo Wild Wings almost every weekend. Oh, it's a weekend treat.
1:11.6	Oh, I do it. I do it so often. It's fucking crazy. I have gone to Buffalo Wild Wings the last time I went and I was like, you know, they have all the, they're like, there's 30 different flavors. I'm like, I guess I'll get all 30. and then I realize, oh, I have 300 wings
	...

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