Newly released Epstein documents have named several high-profile figures, including Phil Collins, Michael Jackson, and most shockingly Christopher Cringle, better known as Santa Claus, who having just come off another successful Christmas, is now attempting to explain away 837 trips to Little St. James Island.

Speaking to the North Pole Post, Santa said, look, I was delivering presents, and that's the address I had for multiple politicians' coal lumps. And as they didn't have milk and cookies, they offered a massage and my joints were a little stiff, so I obliged. Alan Dershowitz was right beside me the whole time. He could vouch that there was nothing below the belt. Looking back, maybe she could have been a little young, but I'm around Elves 364 days a year, so my perception of which people are which

ages is a little screwed up. Local mother, Barb Anderson commented to say, it makes me sick

to think just last night this fat pervert was sliding down my kid's chimney after paling around

with Jeffrey Epstein. And one of the trips was in June. How is he going to explain that away?

Or the emails implying he gave Felacio to a former president. Real sick shit.

And if you ask me, I think Mrs. Claus knew about it because if my husband Carl made 837 trips to the island,

you better believe I'd be given Carl a talking to.

Santa responded to that saying, I forgot my f***in hat. Jesus, you sound like my wife right now. And like I said to her, Jeff had some really good ideas about North Pole tax loopholes. So is being frugal a crime now? And by the way, I even said on the last trip that I thought something naughty was going on there and I told

my friend Andrew let's go back

one more time to tell Jeff we're never

coming back again. I felt

like I owed him that.

The boys

cast. The last.

The boys cast. The doors.

Prepare your sons for

the boys cast

The boys cast

The boys cast

The boys cast

The Boys cast

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