This is feminist wellness, and I'm your host, nurse practitioner, somatics, and nervous system nerd, and life coach, Bea Victoria Albina.

I'll show you how to get unstuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism,

and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome, my love. Let's get started.

Hello, hello, my love. I hope this finds you doing so well. Welcome to another tender-only hotline where I answer your questions here on feminist wellness.

This first one, this is so good. This was sent in via someone who was in Anchored last year, year before, was sent in by her mom, who had been gifted

my book and was like, mm-mm, mm-mm, this isn't me.

So she says, my issue isn't codependency, perfectionism, or people-pleasing.

My issue seems to be more like emotional gardeness, being self-reliant to a fault, independent, closed off, running away.

So how does that, all of that, actually relate to emotional outsourcing?

Okay. So more than most people expect, actually, what you're describing might be the same root system

growing in a different direction. So emotional outsourcing is the habitual pattern of sourcing

our safety, belonging, and worth from outside of ourselves rather than from within. Most people

hear that and picture the overgiver, the people

pleaser who like abandons themselves, the one who needs everyone to be okay before she can

even breathe. But the definition doesn't say anything about overgiving per se. It says external

source. And so when someone builds

their entire identity, their like notion of self around, oh, not needing, not asking, not leading

on anyone ever, like rugged individualism, their sense of worth is still coming from outside

of themselves. It's coming from being

the one who never needs anything. From, oh, never being a burden, thank you very much,

from radical self-sufficiency as like a kind of, I'm going to call it proof of okayness. And that's

still an external measure running the show. It's just, well, it's quieter about all of it,

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