Tenderoni Hotline #18: Are You Ready for Real Love If You're Still Healing + Why focusing on yourself is not selfishness
Feminist Wellness
Béa Victoria Albina
4.9 • 1.1K Ratings
🗓️ 3 February 2026
⏱️ 12 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Tenderoni Hotline #18: Hello my love, and welcome back to the Tender Hotline, the soft and spacious corner of the Feminist Wellness Podcast where we explore your most intimate and layered questions about healing, nervous system care, and reclaiming your self-trust.
In this episode, we’re diving into three powerful questions that so many emotionally outsourced folks grapple with: Do I have to fully love myself before I’m ready for real love? How do I know if I’m truly healing or just coping while everything stays the same? And is focusing on myself while the world feels like it’s falling apart actually selfish?
Together, we unpack the myth that healing has to happen in isolation. You’ll hear why real love isn’t reserved for the “fully healed,” and how our capacity for connection grows not in perfection, but in proximity and presence. We also explore how nervous system regulation can sometimes turn into a strategy for tolerating the intolerable, and how to shift from performative calm to embodied clarity and action.
We talk about how emotional outsourcing, or looking to others for your sense of safety, belonging, and worth, distorts love and keeps you stuck in survival mode. And we name the ways that focusing on your own healing and self-connection is not selfish, but a radical act of reclamation that serves both you and the collective. So my love, go ahead and grab your softest blanket, pour something warm and grounding, and settle in. I’m so glad you’re here.
Got a question for the Tenderoni Hotline? Send it to me at: podcast@beatrizalbina.com
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | This is feminist wellness, and I'm your host, nurse practitioner, somatics, and nervous system nerd, and life coach, Bea Victoria Albina. |
| 0:18.3 | I'll show you how to get unst stuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism, |
| 0:21.7 | and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome, my love. Let's get started. |
| 0:31.6 | Hello, hello, my love, and I hope this finds you doing so well. Welcome to the Tenderoni hotline. Let's get into it. |
| 0:40.7 | Our first question, if I'm still working on myself, am I actually ready for real love? Do I really |
| 0:47.5 | have to fully love myself before I'm capable of loving someone else? This is such a good question. There's so much richness here, |
| 0:56.3 | right? So we don't become capable of loving others by perfecting ourselves in isolation. |
| 1:03.7 | We discover and expand our capacity for love through relationship because humans are pack animals, right? Like, |
| 1:11.2 | that's how we're built. And we protect that capacity by taking absolutely exquisite |
| 1:17.5 | care of ourselves inside those relationships. That old line, you have to love yourself before |
| 1:23.6 | you can love anyone else gets repeated like it's like freaking scripture but it does actually |
| 1:29.4 | misunderstand how humans actually wire for attachment so love is learned practiced and metabolized |
| 1:35.9 | in connection so babies don't self-love their way into attachment they are loved and through that |
| 1:43.2 | they learn what love feels like in their bodies. |
| 1:45.4 | And adults are no different. So nervous systems are social organs. They calibrate through contact. |
| 1:52.4 | What's usually meant by that phrase is something more specific and more useful. |
| 1:56.3 | When you abandon yourself to keep connection, love gets, well, distorted, right? |
| 2:01.6 | It turns into appeasing, performing, rescuing, disappearing, and that's emotional outsourcing at work. |
| 2:07.6 | So safety, belonging, and worth gets sourced from the other person. |
| 2:10.6 | So then what happens to the relationship? |
| 2:13.6 | It becomes about survival, not actual intimacy, actual vulnerability, actual interdependence, |
| 2:20.5 | which is, of course, two autonomous humans relating and loving and caring about each other |
... |
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