What up my homie, welcome back to part 2 of this game change in conversation with Jefferson Fisher. For way too long we've thought or we've been taught that winning an argument means being the loudest, the smartest and getting the last word in. At least I thought, well that means I've got a voice if I speak up if I'm the last person. But it never actually got me to my goal. So guess what? The more you actually want to win an argument, the more you end up losing at that relationship. That hit me hard and he said that to me. And so in this part we're breaking down the one trick that actually instantly stops an argument in his tracks without actually feeling like giving you power away. We talk about how to set the boundaries that actually stick without needing to explain yourself and why confident people don't actually talk more. They talk better. This episode isn't about avoiding conflict, it's about owning your power in every single conversation and every single scenario with any other human. So let's get right back in with Jeff Zafisher right here on Women of Impact. I mentioned earlier that in the amount of times that I've like gone to text people and'm like, just don't text it for 24 hours. The very first time I did it, because I heard

it from an expert and I was like, I'm going to try it. I was so proud to myself. I was like, go Lisa. Yeah. Like I finally did it. And to your point, the positive feedback loop that makes you remember, I remember last time when you did it, even though they didn't feel natural, how proud you and so it kind of encourages you to keep doing it.

Absolutely.

What do you think about people arguing over Texas?

I think arguing over the text is one of the worst ideas because there's no emotional nuance. And there's just none. And so many times when you say something in a text, they're gonna read in the worst way possible. Let's put it that way. That snarky text or somebody says, K, are okay. When do you ever read that as a positive thing? So I said, sure, in a text you go, oh, look, how want look at this? You don't feel good about that. You immediately go, sure. What do you mean? K? Oh, they're furious at you. That's all you think is like something is terribly wrong. When that That kind of thing happens. It's not going to become any better by texting more about it.

You can check. think is like something is terribly wrong. When that kind of thing happens, it's not gonna become any better by texting more about it. And I mean, you can change how you need to communicate. There's some people that are great in email, and there's some people in my world. I have some attorneys that are on my no email list. I don't send them emails because they can't email without being snarky or sounding something, or at least for me, mean, I'll take the blame to that. There's some emails I'm like, this is not we butt heads when we email. I call them. They're the most polite, happiest, friendliest person, but in email, we just don't communicate well. Yeah, I've had the feedback that I don't sound polite in text messages, but I'm just busy. And so then I tried to explain, oh she busy. So, as you talk to me about explaining your way or our things. Oh, explaining your way out of things. Yeah, hey, Jefferson, explain everything away from me, please. Yeah. So often, when you are trying to explain things, there's a sense of feeling like you need to apologize for it. I take that away. How many times we unnecessarily apologize for things? So sorry, I just can now get back to you. I was so busy. Why would you apologize for having priorities? Why would you apologize for having things that you needed to knock out in your day? We've just gotten so used to immediacy in our responses. But when it comes to justifying, I'm very much limited. Even when you say I'm so busy, there's no need to apologize for it instead express gratitude for them still being there. Hey, thank you for the text. Thank you for the patience. Just right there, you're owning the time, you're owning your priorities rather than trying to feel like I need to come up with a really good reason.

I do that all the time.

I really do.

It's just because I feel so badly. I feel bad that I've ignored different for a day. I've ignored, you know, I haven't text someone back in a week. And so I worry if I haven't text someone back, that they've made up a story so much in their head

about why I haven't text them bad.

And that's the last thing I want them to perceive.

It isn't because I don't care.

It isn't because I don't love them.

It isn't because they didn't... that they've made up a story so much in their head about why I haven't text them bad. And that's the last thing I want them to perceive.

It isn't because I don't care, it isn't because I don't love them, it isn't because they don't mean a lot to me. It's just that I've been so freaking busy and I've got ADHD and I'm terrible at responses. And so I feel compelled out of sweetness to them to make them feel okay in letting them know It's not about them.

So what I'm hearing is you're taking it personally for them.

I am.

Is it long? okay in letting them know it's not about them. So what I'm hearing is you're taking it personally for them. I am. It's long. Not wrong. It just over time it will you'll do it with everybody and anything. So I would highly encourage knocking out the early sari's. Alright so let me push you a little what if it's someone who has been mad at you for not responding before. So now, you know, I love them. They're still my friend, but last time I didn't respond to them when the week they got upset with me. So it's my who's sensitive like that. Well, and if they're getting sensitive and like they should know you and they should know what's all happening in your life. Too often I feel like we find that the people who matter the least, we give the most in terms of our emotions and our time. Why is it so white? Why isn't the people that we actually don't know as well? Do we do that with? It's because it's all of our own sense of control, because you're controlling that perception that they are or are not happy of you. So you're doing it on your own accord. I love your honesty. This is so amazing. Thank you. That's so true. Okay, we're talking about text messages and tone and how you can't really perceive tone in that. You talk about in your book the ignition phase and the calling phase of an argument. This was fascinating. So you have a chart which I love. So if you

don't want to actually take me through the ignition phase of how I believe it's like how they looked at you, their tone they use, the words they use. Yeah, yeah. And I think it's much more in the book. It means all of it. It was so good. So yeah, what I teach is in any argument there's an ignition phase, an accoling phase.

Ignition phase is when there's something ignition phase, an accoling phase.

Ignition phase is when there's something that, with enough friction in the conversation, something begins to ignite. They said something you didn't like. My body goes, hey, I didn't like that. Like your brain and your body going, ah, that. Hey, so I didn't like that. Can we fix that? And all of a sudden, I'm engaged. Ignition when you're getting in that argument, your focus becomes senero.

So that's why your pupils dilate. You start to get some people, begin to tear up or get really nervous or they find that they're shaking in some way. And what they're doing in that moment is, I want the threat to go away. So let's say it's an argument between a husband

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