Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burnett. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 22, 2011.

I would like to apologize for the podcast being late this week. I'd like to apologize for this free

entree being late. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I tried to do it last night. I tried my best at this, you know?

And I flew yesterday on American Eagle, not bragging. That's how the big boys do it. That's the poor man's

lear jet. You know, it's the same fucking size except you jammed in there with 40 other fucking people.

You know, you know, the plane is small when they make you just you check everything except yourself.

The second you white. Did I just do a joke from the 80s? I'm not saying this plane was small people, but I had to check my fucking loafers.

Hey, now keep it going for the band, everybody. This is podcast going to suck too. I'm gonna tell you right now. I'm gonna warn you guys.

This podcast is gonna suck this week. I don't have it. I am fucking burned out. All right. I don't have any funny left.

I did Nashville last weekend. I'm doing Letterman tonight. I've been trying to put together my five minutes of squeaky clean material.

Despite the fact that I am not a squeaky clean guy, I am trying to search and sift through my act to find that needle of cleanness in that fucking dirty haste.

Jesus Christ. I got nothing. Do you understand that? I got nothing. My act right now. I for 20 minutes. I talk about gold digging horse.

I defend Arnold Schwarzenegger. I talk about reasons to hit women. And I make fun of people who get plastic surgery. That's it folks. That's the new hour material.

And somewhere in there, I'm supposed to fucking pull up five minutes. That's not gonna piss off people that sell tied. I'll tell you, I can't do it anymore. I used to be that five minute guy who could come up with five minutes of clean material.

You know, oh boy, oh boy. How's everybody doing tonight? Is my little wacky take on fucking roller blades? I used to be able to do it. I'm not that person anymore. All right. I think working clean is for somebody in their 20s.

I don't know why. At least it was for me. Or being self deprecating. I'm not self deprecating is for somebody who is young and is still a little bit awkward. I am 43. I am set in my ways. I think I'm right about everything that I talk about. I'm an asshole.

That's not conducive for fucking four and a half minutes set. Oh, Jesus, whatever. I'm gonna. I'm gonna figure out how to do it. But whatever. I got that fucking thing hanging over my head. I shoot that thing in about four hours.

And you know, it's hilarious as I ran the set last night at the comic strip. It's been killing all fucking week. And then I go up the comic strip and I just eat my balls wire to wire. And then I find out that everyone in the crowd was from like Finland in Norway or some shit.

It's just like why does that always happen right before you're gonna go on TV? It's it's it's an unwritten rule that if you're gonna do five minutes on a late night talk show, it's gonna kill all month and then the night before you do it.

Something like that's gonna something's gonna happen. I think we go down to this club and you show up and unbeknownst to you. It's an entire like water polo team from fucking New Zealand.

And you go on update with your act and you're just eating your fucking balls, but you got to stay in your act. You can't come out of it. Be like, what the fuck is your guys problem?

Because you're time in the set. And then you walk off with flop sweat and they go, no, no, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. That was a water polo team.

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