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Monday Morning Podcast

Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-13

Monday Morning Podcast

All Things Comedy

Comedy

4.734.1K Ratings

🗓️ 6 May 2013

⏱️ 75 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Bill rambles about Hitler's love of the stars, fucking another woman in front of your wife, and Celtic pride. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May the 6th.

0:08.0

May the 6th. Did you read your forecast for the day?

0:12.0

How, what does it say? What is that shit called? Astrology? Why don't we look up old fucking astrology right now?

0:20.0

You know what? It's raining out here in Los Angeles. Everybody always freaks out.

0:24.0

Oh my God, it's rainy. I can't drive in this stuff.

0:30.0

Oh, here's astrology. You know we have on here. Star of the day. Who will it be? George Clooney.

0:36.0

Aberdeenly, he's a Taurus and he was born today. May 6, 1961. Help me birthday to George Clooney, who turns 52 today.

0:46.0

Um, what kind of an asshole? I'll tell you what kind of an asshole looks this shit up. Adolf Hitler. And thank God he did.

0:55.0

Maybe if he didn't have his head up in the stars, he might have won that fucking war, right?

1:02.0

And I'll tell you right now, most of us wouldn't be here, including myself. Do you think that beaty little shark-eyed fucking Amy Schumer-cheeked psycho would fucking put up with my red-headed fate?

1:15.0

Walking around. I don't think he would. I don't think he would. I think he'd look at me and go, nah!

1:27.0

Oh shit. I drank like a fucking idiotly yesterday. I was going so well, everybody, when I was fighting that demon, that little whore, that little harlot that I like to call alcoholism.

1:42.0

I was doing so great. And by great, what I meant was I was actually working out in the morning before I went out and got shit-faced.

1:49.0

That's how I fucking wrestle that demon to the ground. You're like, that shit? Huh? Empty calories? What the fuck are you doing?

1:57.0

How do you tap out? No, I've been doing great. I've been doing the stairs. This is set of stairs down the fucking street.

2:08.0

And I know most people see, most people drive by, they see a set of stairs. But not old freckle face here. You know what I see? I see a free gym.

2:19.0

So I've been going up and down these fucking things. All right?

2:25.0

There's four sets of stairs, and I'm doing them with Cleveland Zone, Jason Lawhead. All right? There's four sets of stairs, so we're looking at it like a basketball game.

2:34.0

All right? The first set of stairs is the first quarter, second stairs, second quarter. You get the idea.

2:40.0

Right? Something to take our mind off the fact that we're a couple of booze hounds trying to drag our fucking drunk asses, hung over asses up these stairs.

2:47.0

So you basically, you go up, down, up. That's the first quarter. Then the second quarter is a short one.

2:54.0

So that one you got to run. You're trying to run them out of the building. Or if you walk it, that means you know, you blew a fucking eight point lead.

...

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