Let me ask you something, not as your guidance counselor, but as a friend.

What do you want to do with your life?

I mean, what kind of long-term goals can you possibly have?

I want to be on TV.

Maybe have a talk show or something like Conan or early Letterman.

TVTL.

I've got a lot of options.

I thought I'd share some of them with you right now.

I could host it tonight show at 1205.

I'm starring a lifetime original movie about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with her network.

I could go to ABC and star in a male redhead version of Cougar Town called Red Wolf Village.

I could host a show on BET called White All Night.

Televised my own colonoscopy on the Bravo channel on a show called Project Funway.

Convinced NBC to let me keep this time slot if I can gain 10 pounds of chin.

Andy and I will become a team of wacky morning DJs called Big Red in the Booker.

Bring sanity back to NBC by hiring Gary Busy as head of programming.

Leave television all together and work in a class of your business with better people like hardcore porn.

I knew I should have trademarked White All Night.

But you know, you live and learn on these things.

Hey, let's learn about a Tuesday afternoon edition of TVTL,

the show that's probably too beautiful to live.

So right now, what I need is for you to climb down out of my ass.

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