What up guys, please bill you here with another amazing, freaking incredible mind blowing episode of Women of Impact that will change the way you interact with a narcissist or anyone toxic forever. Today's guest is making her eighth appearance on the show to pull the curtain back and expose the mind games that Nostasis played on their daily to make you doubt yourself and even question your own freaking sanity. Yep, you guessed it, it's my girl, Dr. Romani. Now, Dr. Romani has been on the show so many times, guys, because she just keeps bringing it. And this episode, I'm telling you, is no different. It's absolutely jam-packed with the truth forms that anyone dealing with a narcissist needs to hear. Now, we're digging deep into the behavioural patterns that nurses use every single day to manipulate the hell out of you and keep you sucked into the relationship. We're also diving into why narcissists will never ever change, ever, ever, ever, even if you never, ever leave them. So guys, whether you're in a romantic relationship with a narcissist or maybe you suspect a family member or a friend, this episode is here to help you spot the toxic behavioral patterns so that you can heal from the abuse and put the pieces back together in order for you to be a freaking badass, because that's why you're here. I'm Lisa Bilyu and welcome to Women of Impact. Death by a thousand cuts is one of your great analogies for a narcissistic relationship.

Because let's face it, we get worn down little by little cut by cut.

So what mind games can we start to look out for to prevent us from getting cut again and

again?

So it's such an interesting question you're asking me, these mind games.

Right, by definition, Lisa, a mind game has this assumption that it's sort of intentional, right? And so I'm gonna mess with you, I'm gonna get you. And so I think what the narcissistic person is, the way they go through the world, just with everybody. It's not even like they're trying to get just you. And it's not even that like rub my hands together. It's a, it's just how they go through the world, right? So even gaslighting, the intentionality there isn't as much as you would think. Nobody's like, I'm in a gaslighter. So she doesn't question where I was last night. I'm in a gaslighter. So I can destabilize her. It's not that. The things that they do in narcissistic relationships. everyone uses a word narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse, right? That's the stuff that they do in a relationship, right? And that can include everything from devaluation and dismissiveness and minimizing things and manipulating and gaslighting and behaving in an entitled way, genuinely believing they're more special or at least their behavior should indicate that they think they're more special than anyone else. They're rageful and their rage is all over the map. They future fake. They will promise something is going to, they're going to do something so you stay in a relationship a little longer. You don't demand anything of them. They breadcrumb. They give you less and less and less stuff over time. There's a lot of betrayal in these relationships. So when you have betrayal and that goes alongside gaslighting, before long, you start feeling responsible for their betrayals. Like, well, maybe I wasn't paying enough attention to them. And maybe I wasn't this and maybe it wasn't that, but because this stuff is mixed in with sometimes half-way

decent days, that's where the confusion isn't a lot of narcissistic relationships start from something exciting and good in the sense that it's the love bombing or the idealization or the intense interest. It's the charm. It's the charisma. Are these things being used tactically? I'm not convinced of that. And I think that's why these relationships are so tricky, that they want your supply. And they're gonna get your supply anyway they want. And they're not even, and the thing is all of these processes, they're not conscious of, but this is where the mind game thing because it becomes very interesting. They do know what they're doing is often wrong.

And here's how it comes out. Because people often say, well, I don't know if they don't know, then can we really be angry at them? I said, but they kind of do know. And how do we know they know? Because anyone out there who's had a narcissistic anyone in their life, usually a partner, but it could even be a parent or a sibling, They will behave differently in front of a group than they will with you individually. Right? So the classical example I talk about in the book is they might call you and say, hey, how you doing? Yeah, you're in the car. You're a speaker. Like, what's going on? And they'll make a conversation. Once they determine determine and they say, yeah, I don't mean speaker, I'm driving. I'll host with you.

No, no, nobody. I'm going to whatever. Then they'll go in because there's no audience to hear

this. Isn't that a mind game then? Because that is a mind game. Right there. That's a mind game.

They don't want to look bad in front of other people. And if they think you're not going to leave them, which if you're in a long term committed relationship, that's less likely because it's more disruptive, then they think you're kind of a sure thing of sorts. And so they can push that envelope or they get bored, narcissistic people get bored, they're novelty seeking, but it is kind of a mind game in the sense sense that the world might think they're cool, people who are close to them, whether it's their employees or their close family or their partner, I think they're thinking, everyone thinks they're wonderful. And I am seeing the truth of this and it's not cool, but nobody believes them because everyone's like, but no, every time we interact with this person, they're great because they They know how to play to people, like to an audience or to a group of people they don't see as often.

That can feel like a mind game, for sure. I think what's hard about these relationships is that you've got two sets of rules. The narcissistic person is motivated by very different things than the other person in the relationship. So the other person in the relationship may be motivated by attachment, love, connection, closeness, all the things that make a person want to spend time with them, all of that. The narcissistic person is motivated by power, control, and dominance. Those are very different motivations, right? So by definition, these are asymmetric relationships. The narcissistic person has to be in the power position and the other person has to be diminished. And let's say, let's say you have two people that are kind of equally matched. They're in comparable jobs, they make same amount of money, whatever, they may come in with that equivalence. So if you can't break down a person literally by having, I don't know, more money or more power in society or something, you'll break them down and destabilize them psychologically. And then you'll have the power. You own the reality. It's your narrative. How in touch a narcissistic person is with that? That's variable in terms of how much insight they have, but that's the mind game if you want to call it that. definitely the the two masks, public mask and the private mask,

that's what makes narcissism so vexing for the people in these relationships. Because the example I would give is a person's at a dinner party, having a good time. And in fact, somebody even makes a little, there's a little critique at the narcissist and you're dreading, oh my God, they're gonna rage, they're gonna rage, but they don't. And they're like, oh, ha, ha, ha, funny, funny joke.

And some people would say at that dinner party

they think, maybe I gonna rage, they're gonna rage, but they don't. And they're like, oh, ha, ha, ha, funny, funny joke.

And some people would say at that dinner party,

they think, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm the problem because I always think he's too sensitive and he's gonna blow up. Well, the dinner party's done, you get in the car, you're thinking, okay, that's not as bad as I thought and they started on you because they were angry

about that person critiquing them at the dinner party,

but they weren't gonna take it out on them.

Some narcissists would, don't get me wrong.

It's a continuum.

So, narcissists would. Don't get me wrong. It's a continuum. So, some narcissistic people would have actually taken down that person at the dinner party, but in many cases, they would have waited till they were in the car with you to go off on. Yeah. As you're talking, it really is a, all of these are manipulated tactics that are creating something that they're looking for.

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