Welcome back my homies to part two of this amazing conversation with my brother from another mother That's right the relationship expert Matthew Pussy and we were just getting started in part one because Matt and I keep going deeper into how to find and attract the right partner that's actually for you without lowering your standards or being inauthentic or Having to negotiate your boundaries and so we cover the four levels of importance and why they are leading you to wasting time and investing in the wrong person. We go deep into how to avoid seeing everything as a red flag after heartbreak because unfortunately that is what we end up doing. We then discuss the healing powers of the right relationship and so much more. So my homey without further ado let's dive in dive in right now. I'm your host, Lisa Bilyu, and yes, you're listening to Women of Impact. So this book gets into the deeper reasons why people struggle to find love. And one of the big reasons why people struggle to find love is that we're constantly chasing the wrong things. And so I put together this four levels model to help us understand whether we're chasing the the right things or the wrong things. And so I put together this four levels model to help us understand whether we're chasing the right things or the wrong things. The first level of importance in any dynamic with a person is admiration, which is to say, by the way, this isn't really important. It's a prerequisite for a successful relationship, but it's not important on its own. Because what admiration is just, you could see someone across the hall and think they're gorgeous or charismatic or interesting or intriguing or there's something about them. And that's, you have this kind of like distant admiration for them or I wanna get to know that person better. I'd like to ask that person out on its own.

It doesn't mean anything. By the way, like so many unrequited love stories are written about people who longed for someone who didn't know they existed. That's just admiration. It's a story, by the way, we've built up in our head about how important someone is. How can they be that important? You couldn't think they're impressive, but how can they be that important?

The person who's important is the person who you know is a great partner to you. That's important. That's someone that you're just, it's justifiable to be afraid to lose someone who's an amazing partner to you. But someone who's not even your partner, How can that be important? It's just a feeling.

So admiration is level one, not important.

Level two is mutual attraction.

Also not that important.

It's a prerequisite.

You don't want to be in any relationship with it, not mutual attraction,

but on its own right, not important.

The, you know, my inbox is littered with people writing to me about a situation where there has been mutual attraction, but it's not going anywhere. And so this is where you have chemistry or a connection or you both like each other or you've at the very least, you've both shown that you're attracted to each other.

And people get very hung up on mutual attraction. Like that was the thing, you know? And why do we get hung up on it? Because I were afraid we're never gonna find it and that we're not gonna find love, or we're not gonna find love in time. And be because we feel like mutual attraction is hard to find a lot of us. A lot of people really like someone and so when they like someone and that person seems

to like them back or show them some interest, it feels like the most important thing in the world. So now when I feel like there's the hope of something, there's a really, there's a, in the story of Pandora when she opens the box, And all of these afflictions fly out, disease and fear and hunger and shame and all of these different horrible afflictions fly out. She closes the box because she's horrified. And the only thing that doesn't escape from the box is hope. And there is this interesting idea that hope, that there was almost, I think it was nature, had this idea that the fact that hope didn't get out was actually the one bit of grace because hope is the worst of all the afflictions. Because the real terrible thing for mankind is the idea of hoping for it and it not getting any better. And so when you take hope and you add it into mutual attraction, it can fuel every kind of hell that you end up in. Because you keep writing on this idea that there's something there, there's something there, there's something there, even though that thing isn't giving you what you really need or want. And there will be so many people watching this right now who's situation, this describes. That's the thing that is in many ways the most dangerous phase of importance, because it actually has relatively little importance, but our body, our everything about skips it the maximum possible importance. And I said someone recently who said I had a three-month relationship with someone who then decided that he wanted to go travel at the end of it. And I'm devastated because I just feel like this was my person. And I don't believe your person, by the way, can ever be someone who doesn't choose you. I don't believe your person can ever be someone who has got different, like they see their future as flying solo around the world and you see your future in a committed relationship. That cannot be your person by definition. Right. So when I say on this book, find your person. I'm not talking about the person who wants completely different things from you. So, but she in her mind had decided this. I had such an amazing three months with this person, this is my person. And I said, three months is nothing. Three months is you can perform for three months. Three months, you're not talking about someone's character, you're talking about their impact. Very different thing. Character can only be seen over time. Impact is something you can feel on a first date. And so many people mistake impact for character on date one. Like, ah, you don't understand. We've, I felt amazing. I felt, I went home and I just felt so connected to this person. I felt like they understood me. I felt like we come from similar places. I felt like they're with their family, how I am with mine. And it just feels like this whole picture. You haven't seen anything about this person's character. All you've seen is their impact. You don't know anything about this person. That someone recently talked to me about how, you know, a guy sent her videos in week one of like, you know, they just met and he was sending videos of him with his family and she was like, I really feel like he's with his family how I am with mine. My mind went to, why is he sending you videos of him with his family in week one? I'm not saying there was anything underhanded about it, although the way it went, it turned out it wasn't great, but I look at that and I go, this is impact. You can't possibly know who this person is with their family from what they've shown you. You don't really know that because you don't know this person. So when this, when my client came to me and said, I've been seeing someone for three months and now he disappeared, but oh my god, he's my person. I'm like, no, he was fireworks. Fireworks is a very different thing. Fireworks is, you know, what are fireworks need to be special? They need a flame, like a match lit to it. They need to be loud. Right. They need to be almost blinding with how broad they are. Yep. And there's one more ingredient. No, go what do I'm missing? They need to finish. Oh, that's true. Imagine fireworks that just went on for hour after hour after hour after hour. Now, when fireworks go on for 10 minutes, 15 max, we hold each other's hands and we look up dreamy-eyed and they're magical. We love them. But I guarantee you, if those fireworks kept going for another 45 minutes, there'd be a point where we'd start looking at our watch, we'd be like, I'm kind of ready now, I feel like these, it wouldn't last. just need need that like they need nighttime and they need to end. And that's what makes them so special for us is like, oh my God, oh, wow, they're over. Oh, but weren't they amazing? That's what so many of the early relationships are like that we value. Our life isn't fireworks or New Year's Eve. When we see the fireworks, we watch the fireworks every year at New Year's Eve. The London fireworks, unbelievable, incredible. It's so special. But those fireworks on our life, our life is at the end of the fireworks. Who's our company? Where are we going home to? How much do we like that home? When we wake up tomorrow, how much do I like the job that I'm going to? How much do I like the things that I have to do now in the new year? That's my life. My life isn't the fireworks or new year's eve. My fireworks is my life on New Year's Day. And so when I look at that situation with that woman who said I dated someone for three months and it was amazing for those three months and I just think he's the one. I'm like, that's like saying the fireworks on New Year's Eve. That's how those were what was supposed to happen all year for me in 2024. No, your life is your life. Well, if that person was still in your life and they were showing up for you on a Tuesday, and you were making plans for the year and you were enjoying your day to day together and it was still there, then he's part of your life. If they're not part of your life, then by definition they were fireworks. So that's the mistake we make at the mutual attraction phase. So then you say, okay, fine, not important what's level three. Level three is commitment. Two people who aren't just mutually attracted, but they actually say yes to each other. Now, that's something that feels to many people like it's becoming increasingly rare these days. People who actually want commitment, people who actually want to be in a relationship. And one of the reasons I believe it feels so rare for so many people is because they're giving so much time to people at level two who are not showing any signs of going to level three. And if you stay with the person at level two and you keep doing that dance with them over and over and over again, using up months or years of your life, then you'll take this person who is your wall

and you'll start to think it's the world.

So you'll say, no one wants to commit anymore.

But the reason why that feels like a global belief,

even though there are people committing,

is because we've spent so much time with people who won't.

And we've started to believe them

that this is what people are like. This is just what life is like. People don't want real relationships. People don't want to commit. So the third level of importance is commitment. But commitment on its own isn't enough either. You have to have the fourth level, which is compatibility. And compatibility is not just how are we saying yes to each other? It's do we have the same ideas about how we would like to live our life, what we would like to build? Do we agree on a sense of morality together? If I lie all the time and you believe in telling the truth, we might have said yes to each other for a relationship, but we're grossly incompatible. If I think it's think it's fine to shop an hour late for everything I do and you like to be on time and you, I shop an hour late for every day, we go on or for every vacation or for every, then there's an incompatibility there. So you have to have a sense of compatibility. By the way, one of the values that helps you overcome incompatibility is curiosity, teamwork, empathy, compassion, generosity. Because when you have those values, you see someone who's different from you, but you say, well, how do we solve this difference together? Or we say, you know what, I'm going to sacrifice on this one because I know it means a lot to you. So this is important to you and I'm going to make it important to me because I'm generous with my energy because I want to make space for what's important to you. When you have a team player, you can overcome lots of areas of incompatibility, not perhaps on the deepest, deepest level, like if you're fundamentally morally incompatible, that's a real problem. If in lots of different surface ways or just behavior or ways, there's little incompatibilities, teamwork can overcome a lot of that. Which is why I say to people, if you're in a relationship with someone where you're saying, I need things to be different for this to work. You better check whether teamwork is important to your partner. Because if you're trying to overcome those incompatibilities and they're not, then there's just no way. It's hard enough when both of you are trying to solve the problem. But when there's one person trying to solve the problem and the other person isn't, that's a real problem. So that's the way that I structure it in the book is admiration, mutual attraction, commitment, and compatibility. And when you have those four levels, then you have something really worth crying about if it ends. If that person, God forbid, gets taken from you. Then it's like there's a deep, deep sense of tragedy about that. Not one that you cannot overcome, but a tragedy nonetheless. Ladies, owning a home can be absolutely amazing until something breaks. And let's be honest, repairs never happened when you're emotionally or, of course, are financially prepared for them. And so many of us are already carrying the mental load of everything. Work, family, schedules, life, and just trying to be you. The last thing you need is the stress of scrambling to find help during a home emergency. And that's why home-serve makes so much sense. They offer plans that help protect against covered repairs for things like plumbing, electrical issues and HVAC breakdowns. Because regular home owners insurance usually doesn't actually cover any of those wear and tears. So when something goes wrong you can call home serves 24-7 hotline to start the repair process. Plan starts at just $4.99 a month. So go and protect your home systems and your wallet with home serve. Go to homeserve.com to find the plan that's right for you. That's homeserve.com. Not available everywhere and most plans range between $4.99 to $11.99 a month. Your first year. And And yes of course, terms apply on covered repairs.

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