What up guys, I'm Lisa Biliou and I've got an amazing episode of Women of Impact for you to help you actually stop finally wasting your time with the wrong guy or woman in all honesty and break the cycle that has you stuck in the same bro Compatence every single time and so in today's episode I'm joined by my fellow Brits my home boy Matthew Hussie and so today we're covering the toxic dating advice out there that's actually doing you more harm than good. How your fear of being alone is actually unfortunately, guys, I'm sorry to say it, keeping you trapped in unhealthy relationships. So listen closely guys, because this conversation with Matt is filled with so many dating and relationship insights that you can use right away to make the

small changes in your life that will actually make a big difference in your love life and help you find a right partner. I'm Lisa Biliou and welcome to Women in Rampact. God forbid, this thing that we all want, which is to find love, that for most people in this life is like the number one thing they want to find. God forbid, I look like I'm looking for it. And by the way, that pattern makes a lot of us feel like we are broken.

Like, there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Are my standards too high? Am I too picky? Is that what's preventing me from finding love? For me, it's all about asking. According to a poll you conducted, people's biggest sphere is dying alone. And because of that, they are left feeling lost, desperate, chasing or settling for less than we deserve. So what toxic advice is actually trapping us and adding fuel to the fire? There are things that will attract someone. And then there are things that will find you a partner who's right for you. And they're not always the same thing. And advice out there that works, in some ways is very dangerous because of what or who it might attract, but it is very kind of self-validating because it works. You might have have advice that says don't take someone back for X number of days. You know, don't call too quickly. Do this, do that. And it in some ways it might work. But you have to ask yourself, who is it working on? And am I just feeding this cycle that keeps me unhappy? Is this preventing me from really being seen by somebody? If someone, let's say, went cold on you, and you got the advice to be someone who was very cool and indifferent, because you're like, I don't... You don don't wanna show that you're affected by someone going cold on you because that's not confident and that shows you've been thinking about them too much. So don't look desperate. Don't look desperate, be cool and indifferent when they come back to me. So that I show that they haven't affected me. Why? But the problem with that advice is that they have affected you. It has affected you. You, let's say, went on a few good dates with that person. You had a really great time. It felt like it may have been going somewhere. You felt this sense of progress. Their words and their actions appeared to back that up. And then they just out of nowhere went completely cold. It affected you. To deny that and to pretend something else does harm in a number of ways. First you're being an inauthentic version of yourself. So they're not really seeing you. They're getting some representative, but they're not seeing you. So they can't even know whether they're attracted to you truly, because what they're getting is some strange call and different facade that there's no resemblance to the reality of what you're really feeling. Second, they can't see what your intentions are because by being callin' indifferent, they have no idea what you want. I write about this in the book. You know, someone I know went away for a trip in the middle of having some great dates, like early dates with someone. He went away on a trip and he was a little quiet on that trip and after his, I don't know what it was, three, four day trip, this person said to him, I got a little, like, I felt a little strange while you were away because I didn't hear from you very much and it made me feel like you could have been sharing your bed with someone else. Now, a lot of people may feel like, oh, I wouldn't want to say that. That's a very desperate thing to say or that shows I care too much or that might scare someone away. But what it did for him was it told him exactly who she was. It told him what her intentions were, that this wasn't a person who was interested in having some kind of casual fling. And by being vulnerable enough to say I felt strange because it made me... Not hearing from you while you were on your trip made me feel like you could have been sharing your bed with someone else. That said to him, I am someone to be taken seriously for something more. I'm not someone who's going to be one more person added to your rotation. The interesting thing about that is that for him in this situation, it was almost a little attractive. It was almost a little sexy. It was almost a little like, like, you know when you realize, do you know what it's like? It's like the first time you are dating someone and they get a little, not like in a some kind of bad or toxic way. They just feel a little jealous about something. There's something about the first time someone feels a little jealous about something that you have done or said, or the way that someone was around you that can actually be quite lovely. It's like you've crossed over into someone caring. And you feel it, not again, not in the form of some kind of toxic jealousy, but you just, in the little like, oh, that made me feel a bit jealous. And maybe the vulnerability that they shared that with you, this you get, it's almost a compliment to you, you go, oh, we've crossed over here. We've crossed over from indifference into caring. And that, the intentionality that that takes us towards. It can be a very, very positive thing. So back to the example, when someone doesn't text you for a few days and then you play it cool and indifferent, you're not being seen for who you really are, there's no vulnerability to it and vulnerability can be very attractive. There's no intentionality being communicated so they don't know what you want. And on top of all of that, it enables their worst side. Because now, when you're calling indifferent, what their brain registers is zero consequences. There's no downside to me going cold and then reaching out again out of nowhere. What we think is us taking control, because I'm not giving you control, I'm not giving you power, is actually doing the very opposite, because what I'm doing is rewarding this behavior by mirroring your lack of investment, but also showing you that when you do show up, I'm right there with you. And that's why I, you know, because I've said this on your show before, we have to be very careful sometimes with the way we apply advice, because you know I say that line, don't invest in, I still think is one of the best things I've ever said, don't invest in someone based on how much you like them, invest in someone based on how much they invest in you. Now, that's a very powerful idea. Don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in someone based on how much they invest in you. But here we have an example of a situation where that advice has to be nuanced because if you took that advice in this situation, you'd go,

well, they're not investing for those five days.

Right. Exactly. So I'm not going to invest. Oh, they just sent me a text. I'm going to send a text back. Yes. And then that becomes part of the toxic advice that you get because you're like, well, if he doesn't do it, then I'm not going to do it. And so now we have, you kind of have like a layer of nuance that you have to layer on top of that, which is,

that's good macro advice.

But You kind of have like a layer of nuance that you have to layer on top of that, which is that's good macro advice, but in the beginning of any relationship or dating, there always has to be a moment where one person invests marginally more than the other. Otherwise, we'd never get anywhere. We'd be too, like a school, two people on opposite sides of the dance floor at the disco, just staring at each other and everyone going, well, I'm going to wait for them to invest before I invest and then no one does anything. We all have to, at some point, one person has to, even if it's one percent more, one person has to do one percent more, but the mistake people make is if I do one percent more and you don't meet me there, I give one percent more and one percent more and one percent more. So that gets us into a really bad dynamic. What I would suggest for that situation where someone doesn't text you for five days and then reaches out to you is actually in that moment authenticity is your superpower. If you can suggest to someone that I was really enjoying spending time with you, but you know, I, and it's nice to hear from you, but I got a little sad that didn't hear from you this week. You know, that moment of vulnerability, being, I got a little sad isn't, I'm going to be sad for the next six months. It's not, I'm going to keep being sad if you keep not showing up. It's just, I, you know, I was really excited to hear from you and then I didn't hear from you. I'm just showing who I am. And it might be that me showing you who I am is actually what makes me different. Because we live live in a world today where there's such a lack of vulnerability in so many people's dating lives because we think the worst sin in the world is to feel desperate or to be desperate or to seem like we care too much. Or even with our friends and family to look like we really want to find love. God forbid this thing that we all want, which is to find love, that for most

people in this life is like the number one thing they want to find. God forbid I look like I'm looking for it. You know, that's shameful because we are shamed all the time for looking for it. We're shamed by society. We're shamed by friends and family who think we're trying too hard or we think think about it too much.

And then we're ashamed by the, we're worried,

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that we're on a date to find.

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