Welcome to the look and sound of leadership, an ongoing series of executive coaching tips designed to help you be perceived in the workplace the way you want to be perceived.

I'm Tom Henshiel, your executive coach, and today we're talking about how to own healthy assertion.

Cindy hated that her story still had the power to make her cry.

She hated the feelings of the story stirred up in her.

Embarrassment, powerlessness, rage, and the fuel for her tears, shame. Cindy still had shame about what she had done.

Many years before, she reported to a leader who was verbally abusive.

The behavior was known and tolerated. The people who worked for him were

constantly fearful. Many left. The ones that stayed suffered. One day when the leader's eye to

humiliate once again turned to Cindy, she snapped. She yelled back. She hurled insult for insult. She cursed him. Finally, she stormed out of the room yelling, fire me. Please, somebody, fire me. But she wasn't fired. She wasn't even disciplined.

The world of work just went on turning.

In hallways and bathrooms, people quietly celebrated Cindy's bravery.

But Cindy didn't feel brave.

She felt ashamed.

Now, pushing back her tears, she said to me quietly,

"'What does it say about me that I snapped like that?

I clearly lost control.

I lost my mind.

How can that be good for me?' "'How do you mean?' I asked.

She gave a sigh.

"'Look, Tom, growing up with my mom, I learned to just suck up whatever came my way,

but every now and then I'd snap with her, too. It never went well. I think I snapped because

I'm either completely passive, or I explode like a bomb. I don't have any middle ground. I'd

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