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The Dick Show

Episode 505 - Dick on Monkey Noises

The Dick Show

Dick Masterson

Comedy

4.71.3K Ratings

🗓️ 12 April 2026

⏱️ 133 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Going to the zoo, what if women ran the Internet, the Quartering flags the world, a fat woman destroys a wagon, I am racially profiled by Chinese builders, Canada's new identity soup, a Denmark race-mixing ad, a wedding weekend with no spouse, OnlyFans advice, and a new firmware update for women; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

All right, well, I have no notes today.

0:07.4

Do you know what I have today?

0:08.8

What do you have today?

0:10.0

A sign from God that summer in America has started.

0:13.5

What do you?

0:14.3

Okay, why?

0:15.1

What's that?

0:16.1

Dick, you know how like safety improvements and shit over the years and vehicles and just life around you, but specifically vehicles in this instance, right? You know how like things just get safer? Yeah, things get safer, safer and safer. You know what I realized? Soon it will be illegal for women to drive cars. It'll just be auto drive. It should be, yeah. And then it'll be illegal for kids to drive cars until they're like 30. Yeah, that'll be cool.

0:38.0

Yeah.

0:38.8

But I realized today that growing up, man, was it me or did we used to see a lot more carbacues during the summer?

0:47.6

Yeah, we did see a lot of carburekis in the summer.

0:49.7

Right?

0:50.2

Yeah.

0:50.7

And so today, driving in, fucking hit this spurious awful just a carbicue on purpose did you see or

0:59.3

well no so i'm sitting there like man i see all this smoke it's either some cool diesel guy with no

1:07.8

fucking thing on yeah that's cool yeah or it's carbickew and then I got my hopes up.

1:14.7

And as I'm getting closer. It's a hot day for a carbicue. Yeah, dude. So I look out.

1:18.9

It's a hot day for a car on fire. And it looked like fucking this fiat was doing an impersonation in one of those Indian fire breathers.

1:27.1

Because the whole front of that shit was on fire and melted. It sucks to wreck your car, but at least if your car's on fire, you know, the insurance people can't like screw you over somehow. Yeah. By reselling your parts. Yeah, exactly. You know, they're getting one over on you somehow. At least as if it's on fire, everybody's got to deal with it. But I saw that and went, man, you know what? Maybe I should grill later today. I should grill later today. You know what? Maybe I'll throw the whole cube in the fridge. It's time. Oh, man, it was a hot day. It was a hot day yesterday. We went to the zoo

2:01.8

and there was...

2:04.2

It must have been

2:04.7

fat bitch day at the zoo.

...

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