I know we've only known each other for four weeks and three days, but to me, it seems like nine weeks and five days.

The first day seemed like a week, and the second day seemed like five days, and the third day seemed like a week again, and the fourth day seemed like eight days.

The fifth day, you went to see your mother, and that seemed just like a day.

But then you came back, and later, on the sixth day and the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days.

So in the evening, it seemed like two days, spilling over into the next day, and that started seeming like four days.

So at the end of the sixth day, on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days, and the sixth day seemed like a week and a half.

I haven't written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

T-B-T-L!

Let me take off my assistant skirt, and put on my Barbara Streisand in the Prince of Tides, ass-masking therapist pantsuit.

I know it's not pretty to look at, but it'll get you where you want to go.

Right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag, and your butt is kind of like an about to explode bratwurst.

I'll be your wingman. Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.

Hey, I thought you'd check it out my goods.

Yes, it's normal, but no more than four times a day.

Are you sure this is legal?

I don't know. It's fun knowing it.

Sure is. We're talking, of course, about a Thursday afternoon edition of T-B-T-L. This is the show that just might be too beautiful to live.

Holy f**k is this wrong!

It's episode 1,163 in a collector's series.

I only have, is it you running?

My name is Luke Burbank. I'm your host.

We've got a lot of stuff we want to discuss with you.

...