I'm Natalie Liu, and you're listening to the baggage reclaim sessions, where we break the patterns that break our hearts, relationships and bodies.

Since 2005, I've run one of the longest running self-help blogs in the world, BaggageReclame.com.

I'm a boundaries and relationship coach and the author of five books including Mr. Unavailable and the

fallback girl and the joy of saying no. I help you reclaim yourself from emotional baggage by

letting go of emotional unavailability, people pleasing and unhealthy relationships so you can live

in love with more love, care, trust and respect.

Hello, hello, hello.

How are you doing?

Today, I want to talk about something that I've thought about a lot in various guises. So the subject of disapproval and as such criticism and conflict. For most of my life, I was terrified of criticism

and conflict. And I don't mean just a bit uncomfortable and then I'm like being dramatic about

how I felt. No, no, no. I was terrified. It was the type where you're already adapting yourself

before anything has even happened, just in case,

just to ward it off, just to make sure no one gets the chance to find fault with you.

It was the kind that sometimes found me shaking in advance of it, getting an upset stomach,

or vibrating for a few days afterward as my body processed the event and sense of injustice or violation.

It's meant that sometimes when there's silence where I expect noise, so hearing from someone,

or quiet after I've been truthful, so expressed a need, desire, expectation, feeling, or opinion,

I fill in the gap with all sorts of imagined drama

and disapproval. And that fear, those patterns, didn't come from nowhere. There was a lot of criticism

and conflict in my childhood, a lot of disapproval, a lot of anger, rage, destabilization, silent

treatment and anxiety. It's like an acrobat and a tap dancer, walking the tightrope, walking on eggshells, and

navigating the landmines of volatility.

...