Welcome to the judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm your guest Baylef Monti Belmonte from W. R. S. I. 93 9 the river in North Hampton, Massachusetts in for Jesse Thorn this week.

Daily security beefing Jake brings the case against his girlfriend, Janie, after a series of robberies in their neighborhood. They decided to take action to make their home more safe.

Janie says closing the blinds and curtains every time they leave will deter theft. Jake says it won't make a difference and makes the house dark and drab.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

Do you often find yourself arriving late to social gatherings or appointments?

Are the first words out of your mouth when you finally show up? Sorry I'm late. Are you convinced you give yourself enough time to get where you're at?

You're going but somehow you're still late. Do factors seemingly outside your control prevent you from being on time?

Do you tend to lose track of the time? Do you ask the same question over and over again?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this podcast is for you.

Guest bailiff Montibell Monti, swear them in.

Jake and Janie, please rise and raise your right hands.

You swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you Jane Curtin or Don Draper or whomever.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that the judge, like Joni Mitchell, was raised on robbery?

Absolutely.

Thank you. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Jake and Janie, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

I know you cannot possibly name the booklet I hold in my hand that I read from that has nothing to do with your case and has everything to do with a where I am and be the fact that I'm late.

It turns out.

It sounds like a self-help book.

It is a self-help book.

Booklet.

...