Hey, Steph. I've sent a few requests to speak to you before this one, but in retrospect, I understand that the detachment and dissociation I represented in those would have turned anyone off if they were even seen.

I'm a 28-year-old white man, and I have no network of friends and no personal relationships beyond the dissociated persona necessary for business.

I have no one to share thoughts with, and I find

myself resenting others. The longer I associate with someone, the more distance will come between us.

Frankly, I wish that I had some adverse experience in childhood to pull from, as opposed to the

gelatinous, congealed mass of directionless wasted time my childhood was. Parents that were well off enough to buy

things and still complain about money. I never learned negotiation or had any wisdom imparted on to me

by them or any other adult figures in my life. I sought out mentors, teachers, and professors,

but like with my parents, nobody seemed to be interested. My blind-taught social survival allowed me to avoid

being the subject of overt ridicule, but I believe that this was at the expense of my dignity and

self-worth, i.e. clown behavior, I found, stems from a strategy I implemented to achieve recognition

from my parents. I want my desires for companionship and interest made, but 30 years

of failing has led me to feeling resentment towards those who reject me, or rather don't show interest

in me. My neurotic, high-strung behavior, my history, and my lack of wisdom and experience

might contribute to this, but entering into conversations, I also have to imagine that below the surfer's resentment

shows in pretty tangible and off-putting ways. This negative feedback loop has continued on and

thusly for as long as I can remember. I don't want to die, but in my moments alone, I feel like I do.

My conception is not that such a thing would be helpful, and I've been working with self-knowledge, sought professional help, and practically speaking, I'm farther away from the attachments that have harmed me.

And yet, sometimes I'll go back to my parents or watch porn, or drive, walk around aimlessly for hours. Correction, I don't really watch porn. I don't. I use my imagination, but it doesn't matter.

Simply out of a need for stimulation, which will end up in entering another negative feedback loop.

Dying, as it were, represents escaping from an inescapable situation, not because of an afterlife, but because the only feedback I'm receiving from my failures is, I don't want to

feel like this anymore. I have to imagine this too radiates off of me and repels others.

...