Hey Steph, I've sent a few requests to speak to you before this one, but in retrospect I understand that the detachment and dissociation I represented in those would have turned anyone off if they were even seen.

I'm a 28-year-old white man and I have no network of friends and no personal relationships

beyond the dissociated persona necessary for business.

I have no one to share thoughts with and I find myself resenting others. The longer I associate with

someone the more distance will come between us. Frankly I wish that I had some adverse

experience in childhood to pull from as opposed to the gelatinous can shield mass of

directionless wasted time like childhood was. Parents that were well

off enough to buy things and still complain about money. I never learned

negotiation or had any wisdom imparted on to me by them or any other adult figures in my life.

I sought out mentors, teachers, and professors, but like with my parents, nobody seemed to be interested.

My blind taught social survival. with my parents, nobody seemed to be interested.

My blind taught social survival allowed me to avoid being the subject of overt ridicule, but I believe

that this was at the expense of my for companionship and interest made, but 30 years of failing has led me to feeling resentment

towards those who reject me, or rather don't show interest in me. My neurotic high-strung

behavior, my history, and my lack of wisdom and experience might contribute to this, but entering into conversations, I also have to imagine that below the server's resentment shows in pretty tangible and off-putting ways.

This negative feedback loop has continued on and thus leave for as long as I can remember.

I don't want to die, but in my moments alone, I feel like I do. My conception is not that such a thing would be

helpful, and I've been working with self-knowledge, sought professional help, and practically speaking, I'm farther away from the attachments that have harmed me.

And yet, sometimes I'll go back to my parents or watch porn or drive walk around aimlessly for hours.

Correction, I don't really watch porn. I don't, I use my imagination, but it doesn't matter.

Simply out of a need for stimulation, which will end up in entering another negative feedback loop.

Dying, as it were, represents escaping from an inescapable situation,

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