495. Coaching Hotline: Stop Romanticizing the Future & Why We Chase People Who Don’t Want Us
UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone
Kara Loewentheil
4.6 • 5.6K Ratings
🗓️ 26 May 2026
⏱️ 14 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Do you ever find yourself planning for the future and imagining how perfect it's going to be? In this Coaching Hotline episode, I answer two listener questions about fantasies and expectations. I explore why romanticizing the future can take you out of the present and why trying to control your thoughts about someone else only makes you feel more out of control.
I break down how our brains trick us into conflating circumstances and thoughts, showing why happiness and fulfillment are created by the thoughts you are having now, not by money, experiences, or other people. You’ll hear why striving to reject negative emotions or desires only gives them power, and why chasing validation from others is ultimately about how you relate to yourself.
Submit your own question here and it might get answered on a future episode: unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotline
Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: schoolofnewfeministthought.com/495
Follow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/
Mentioned in this episode:
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The Future Coach: How to Succeed as a Life Coach Today, Tomorrow, and Beyond is finally here. Every other week, you'll hear practical advice about becoming a coach, improving your coaching skills, and antidotes to the most common concerns, questions, and brain drama that come up with this work, whether you're just starting out or you're years into your career. If you want to find out more, you can find it anywhere you listen to podcasts and hit that follow button.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Welcome to Un-Fuck Your Brain. I'm your host, Kara Lowenthal, master-certified coach, and founder of the School of New Feminist Thought. I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live. Let's go. |
| 0:24.3 | Welcome to this week's coaching hotline episode where I answer real questions from real |
| 0:30.4 | listeners and coach you from afar. If you want to submit your question for consideration, |
| 0:35.1 | go to unfuckyour your brain.com forward slash |
| 0:39.0 | coaching hotline, all one word, or text your email to plus one 347-997-1784. And when you get |
| 0:48.2 | prompted for the code word, it's coaching hotline, all one word. Let's get into this week's questions. |
| 0:56.8 | The questions today both kind of have to do with fantasies in different ways, I think. So we'll see what you think. I think they're |
| 1:04.2 | related. All right, here we go. So the first question is, hi, Kara, I understand that because my thoughts |
| 1:10.6 | cause my feelings, |
| 1:11.9 | it doesn't get any better than this. And this is because thoughts that create amazing feelings |
| 1:16.7 | are always available. Where I'm struggling is when I'm planning for my future, I get swept away |
| 1:22.0 | by all the exciting possibilities and I romanticize my future life. I don't know how to find the balance between living |
| 1:29.1 | and being present in my current life while also planning for my future self without getting |
| 1:34.3 | caught up in the idea that my future self will have a better experience. I think this is because when I |
| 1:40.0 | think back to my past self, there are lots of ways that my current self, who's the future self |
| 1:45.6 | from my past self, life seems better or easier than it did for my past self. For example, |
| 1:50.2 | with thought work, my day-to-day life has become drastically less stressful than how I was living |
| 1:54.2 | in the past. I also have more money than my past self and I'm able to try new experiences. So in |
| 1:59.4 | those ways, my future life has become better. |
| 2:02.1 | So this is such an interesting way from this question because these two examples that the |
| 2:06.6 | asker gives me are actually completely different, but by conflating them, she's able to confuse |
| 2:12.8 | herself, which is what all of our brains do. So your life seems better now because your thoughts are different, |
... |
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