Welcome to unfuck your brain. I'm your host Kara Lowentile, master-certified coach, and founder of the School of New Feminist Thought. I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live.

Let's go.

Welcome to this week's coaching hotline episode where I answer real questions from real listeners

and coach you from afar.

If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuck your brain.com forward slash

coaching hotline, all one word, or text your email to plus one 347-997-1784.

And when you get prompted for the code word, it's coaching hotline, all one word.

Let's get into this week's questions. We have two very

different questions this week. Here's the first one. I'm having a sexual fling with a guy. Sex is

amazing, but I can't orgasm with him because of my thoughts while having sex about needing to orgasm,

and if he's trying to make me to not take too much time so he doesn't get bored or

tired. So far, these thoughts won't let me get to climax. I don't know if this is possible to manage, but I really hope it is. I need to change my thoughts around needing to orgasm. Okay, so number one, needing to change your thoughts is not a helpful thought. You could go the rest of your life like this, And that would be okay.

It's not the end of the world, right?

We just got to make sure that we're not putting additional pressure on ourselves by getting agitated about how we have to change a thought. That being said, I definitely think this is something you can work on. What you can see here is that your thoughts are, it's like you're doing the same thing with your thought work, right? So you're like trying to rush yourself to get to orgasm, just like you're trying to rush yourself to solve these thoughts. You got to slow down and calm down about both of them. The main issue here is you have this thought that if it takes too much time, he'll get bored or tired, which is the least sexy thing you could think about. So number one, I want you to check out,

there's an article on Mind, Body, Green, that I wrote about brain hacks to make sex better. And one of the things I talk about is the idea that, number one, women, and people socialize as women,

are more likely to think this way because they are socialized to think that they shouldn't like inconvenience anyone else

and that their sexual pleasure is somehow secondary. You're thinking of this as if he's doing a

favor for you, right? As if he would get bored or tired and that would be a problem. So I think

there's two different levels to work on it. One is, what if giving you

pleasure is a turn on for him? If I like someone and I like pleasuring them and I go down on them,

it's not a chore to me. I'm not bored. I'm not tired. I enjoy doing it. I want to give him,

pleasure, right? It pleases me to give them pleasure. So you're

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