464. Why You Never “Deserve” or “Don't Deserve” Anything, Ever
UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone
Kara Loewentheil
4.6 • 5.6K Ratings
🗓️ 5 February 2026
⏱️ 17 minutes
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Summary
There’s a word many of us use to feel validated or justified that actually keeps us stuck in self-doubt. Whether it sounds like “I deserve this” or “maybe I don’t deserve that,” this way of thinking quietly turns your life into a moral evaluation instead of a place where you get to make choices.
In this episode, I explain why the idea of “deserving” is a mental trap and how it reinforces shame, second-guessing, and the belief that you need permission to want, enjoy, or change something. I share a different framework for relating to desire, hardship, and agency so you can stop debating your worth and start deciding what you want to experience instead.
Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: schoolofnewfeministthought.com/464
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The Future Coach: How to Succeed as a Life Coach Today, Tomorrow, and Beyond is finally here. Every other week, you'll hear practical advice about becoming a coach, improving your coaching skills, and antidotes to the most common concerns, questions, and brain drama that come up with this work, whether you're just starting out or you're years into your career. If you want to find out more, you can find it anywhere you listen to podcasts and hit that follow button.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | There is one sneaky word that I hear clients use all the time in an attempt to feel validated, |
| 0:06.4 | vindicated, or more confident. Sometimes it sounds empowering. I deserve this vacation. I deserve |
| 0:13.1 | this kind of relationship. I deserve better treatment. Sometimes it's used to second guess themselves. |
| 0:18.7 | Maybe I don't deserve success because I haven't worked hard |
| 0:21.2 | enough. Maybe I don't deserve this good fortune. The fact that it can be used in both these ways |
| 0:26.2 | is exactly the problem with the word deserve. It's a Trojan horse that introduces an open |
| 0:32.3 | question your brain can never answer because the question of whether or not you deserve what is happening to you |
| 0:38.4 | can never be objective. In today's episode, I'm going to show you why using this concept of |
| 0:43.8 | deserving is actually really counterproductive. It's not empowering you the way you think it is. |
| 0:48.6 | And I'm going to suggest a reframe for how to think about what you want, need, or desire to experience. |
| 0:55.2 | So let's get into it. |
| 0:57.4 | Welcome to unfuck your brain. |
| 0:59.7 | I'm your host Kara Lowentile, master-certified coach and founder of the School of New Feminist Thub. |
| 1:06.1 | I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, |
| 1:12.7 | one that you're truly excited to live. Let's go. |
| 1:18.9 | Hello, my friends. How are all of you? I am writing this episode from Inside a Snow Globe. |
| 1:24.8 | We are upstate at our creek house and it's snowing. And the world is on fire, |
| 1:29.4 | as usual these days, and maybe more so right now. But it's so grounding to look at the trees |
| 1:34.5 | and the water and remember that this landscape has been here cycling through its natural paces |
| 1:39.2 | as generations of humans have come and gone. We're currently finalizing plans for a renovation of |
| 1:45.7 | this house, and I've talked about this on the podcast before, as one of the things I've had to |
| 1:49.6 | coach myself a lot on throughout the process, because of the commitment required, because of the |
... |
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