349: Bert Kreischer's Biggest Secret
Stiff Socks
Trevor Wallace and Michael Blaustein | Audioboom Studios
4.9 • 7.5K Ratings
🗓️ 24 September 2025
⏱️ 88 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Bonus eps also available on Apple Podcasts! https://www.apple.co/socks
Bert Kreischer joins the boys for a wild ride of secret time confessions, plane disasters and life as a comedian. From inventing the “Mississippi Wet Wipe” to tackling PETA protesters at a Netflix event, Bert unloads his craziest stories including dropping a carry-on on a guy’s face and smoking with Tracy Morgan. Plus, they dive into stand-up lessons, jokes that bombed, and the weirdest family moments that somehow made it into his act.
Catch all things Bert at BertBertBert.com — tour dates, merch, and more.
Follow him on social:
Instagram: @bertkreischer
X: @bertkreischer
TikTok: @bertkreischer
YouTube: Bert Kreischer
Podcasts: Bertcast, 2 Bears 1 Cave, and Something’s Burning — available on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
🎙️ Michael's tour dates: https://www.blaucomedy.com
9/24 – Charleston, SC
9/25 – Durham, NC
9/26 – Portsmouth, VA
9/27 – Oklahoma City, OK (2 shows — incl. NEW + Low Tickets)
10/9 – Des Moines, IA
10/10 – Lincoln, NE
10/11 – Kansas City, MO
10/22–10/23 – Buffalo, NY (New show + Few Tickets Left)
10/24 – Grand Rapids, MI
10/25 – Detroit, MI
🎙️Trevor's tour dates: https://www.trevorwallacecomedy.com
9/26 – Las Vegas, NV
10/9 – Charleston, SC
10/10 – Atlanta, GA
10/11 – Jacksonville, FL
10/12 – Tampa, FL
10/13 – Tallahassee, FL
10/14 – Sarasota, FL
10/15 – Fort Myers, FL
10/17 – Fort Lauderdale, FL
10/18 – Orlando, FL
SEPT 24
0:30 - Berts thoughts on the new studio.
5:00 - Bert paying A LOT of money for dinner
14:00 - Peta or Twitter, who do you want after you?
17:00 - Writing Jokes
26:00 - Bert thought Ann Frank and Helen Keller were the same person
29:00 - Bert talks about his fifteen month break
37:00 - Radio is not dead
41:00 - Bert on Podcasts Vs. on Stage
44:57 - SECRET TIME WITH BERT
48:00 - Tracy Morgan Story
54:00 - Ray J Breaking his glasses
01:05:00 - Bert getting drugged
01:10:00 - Getting drunk on planes
01:16:00 - Sock Talk
01:22:00 - Secret Sock
Thanks to: IndaCloud, Factor, PrizePicks, and Google Gemini for sponsoring the podcast
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Factor – factormeals.com/socks50off
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PrizePicks – prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/SOCKS
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Google Gemini (for Students) – gemini.google/students
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Visit gemini.google/students — terms apply
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Secret time, sometimes when I get out of the shower, I dry my asshole on the bed. |
| 0:03.8 | Like that was, and that was so true. Like I dry out and sit on the bed and dry my asshole on the bed. Leanne caught me one time. It was like, Secret Time. Sometimes when I wipe my ass, I spit on the toilet paper. It's called a Mississippi wet wipe. Are we in? Those are fresh, huh? Are we in? Yeah, I just come done. uh ladies gentlemen, Burk Crusher is here with some of the best toenails I've ever seen in my entire life. |
| 0:24.3 | They match the rug really well. I will say they match our feel of our podcast really well. Really? Nice blue. Yeah, look at us. We got a nice. It's a blue. This is our first day with a new set. We just got a new set. |
| 0:34.7 | What do you think? |
| 0:35.0 | Are you serious? |
| 0:36.0 | You were literally the first person to do it. |
| 0:38.0 | Okay, okay. |
| 0:38.0 | What do you think? |
| 0:38.6 | What are thoughts with your notes? |
| 0:39.9 | You know what? |
| 0:41.0 | Uh-oh. |
| 0:41.5 | You should be, set. We just got a new set. What do you think? Are you serious? Literally, you were literally the first to do it. Okay. Okay. We've got to do it. You know what? Oh, oh. No, no, I love it a lot. |
| 0:42.7 | I love it. We can change it. Well, hold on. So I was the first, I was the first generation of |
| 0:48.3 | guys who did a TV show where they created it to make it feel like a man cave. Yeah. So in 1999, no, 2000, I was on a show called The X Show, and they made it so you felt like you in your mom's basement. Sick. Right? And so I remember going like, oh, this is cool. But then I started watching lots of those shows. I was like, huh? Then we got into podcasting. And we all started doing the same thing. |
| 1:10.9 | We started doing stuff like this, and I like it. |
| 1:12.8 | Here's a thing. |
| 1:13.4 | How do you make it yours? Like right now, this is your first attempt at your thumbprint. I think you need your guests to bring you a present. Ooh, I like that. Oh, and then it can do the wall. And it's a good jumping off point. I like that a lot. |
| 1:25.9 | Yeah, it was brand new. |
| 1:26.8 | It doesn't have, it's funny because it looks like it should smell like stale cigarettes, |
| 1:30.0 | but it just smell like stale cigarettes, |
| 1:29.9 | but it just smells like nothing. |
| 1:31.9 | Yeah. |
... |
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