#223: What It Really Takes to Make an Anxious–Avoidant Relationship Work
On Attachment
Stephanie Rigg
4.9 • 1.2K Ratings
🗓️ 13 January 2026
⏱️ 15 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Anxious–avoidant relationships are often described as doomed — intense, painful, and inherently incompatible. While these dynamics can certainly be challenging, they’re not automatically destined to fail.
In this episode, I explore what it actually takes to make an anxious–avoidant relationship work — not through chemistry, hope, or sheer effort, but through three essential, non-negotiable ingredients.
I share why these dynamics can become either deeply healing or deeply reinforcing of old wounds, and how safety, responsibility, and discernment determine which way it goes.
In this episode, I cover:
- Why anxious–avoidant relationships can feel both magnetic and destabilising
- The difference between understanding attachment styles and doing the relational work
- Why commitment is essential — and how “one foot out the door” undermines safety
- The role of humility in breaking defensive patterns and power struggles
- Why self-awareness isn’t enough without nervous system and relational capacity
- How to discern whether a relationship can actually support mutual growth and security
This episode is not about forcing a relationship to work at all costs. It’s about honestly assessing whether the conditions required for safety, repair, and growth are present — and whether both partners have the willingness and capacity to do the work.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking |
| 0:05.7 | about what it actually takes to make an anxious avoidant relationship dynamic work. |
| 0:11.9 | Now, if you've been around here a while, you would know that I am not someone who thinks that |
| 0:17.3 | all anxious avoidant pairings are doomed. I know that some people teach that and say, |
| 0:21.5 | just steer clear of each other, save yourself the pain, go find a secure partner. I don't think |
| 0:27.3 | that that reflects reality and I also don't think that it has to be true. I think that certainly |
| 0:32.7 | anxious avoidant pairings can be chaotic and dysfunctional and I have certainly lived a version of that. |
| 0:39.0 | But I've also been able to build a really beautiful relationship with my partner, Joel, |
| 0:43.7 | notwithstanding that I have historically been more anxious and he has historically been more |
| 0:48.8 | fearful avoidant and certainly in our relationship. There have been those friction or tension |
| 0:53.7 | points of anxious |
| 0:55.1 | avoidant dynamics that so many people will relate to and that I've spoken about here many |
| 0:59.4 | times. So I am not someone who thinks that it's doomed, but I am also someone who is |
| 1:05.9 | realistic and honest about what it takes and it's not easy. So in today's episode, I want to set out three |
| 1:14.4 | essential ingredients or conditions that I would say are pretty non-negotiable if you are in an |
| 1:21.4 | anxious avoidant relationship and you're wanting it to go the distance. You're wanting it to be |
| 1:26.3 | a container in which you can grow and ultimately heal together |
| 1:31.1 | and become more secure, which I think is part of the gift of anxious avoidant relationships, |
| 1:35.5 | is that with enough safety, we can actually move away from our extremes and towards the |
| 1:42.2 | centre because the relationship can challenge us in those really powerful |
| 1:46.6 | ways because it is likely to touch into the very wounds that are deepest for us around |
| 1:52.7 | relationships. I think that's both the blessing and the curse of these dynamics. You know, |
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