#222: Can a Fearful Avoidant Change After Cheating? (Ask Steph)
On Attachment
Stephanie Rigg
4.9 • 1.2K Ratings
🗓️ 8 January 2026
⏱️ 9 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question about infidelity and whether a fearful-avoidant partner can genuinely change.
Rather than asking whether change is possible in theory, this episode focuses on a more important question: how likely is real change, and what should you actually be paying attention to after betrayal?
In this episode, I explore:
- How someone takes responsibility for cheating, and whether their remorse goes beyond guilt or shame.
- Why understanding why the cheating happened matters more than promises alone.
- How fearful-avoidant patterns and unresolved shame can drive self-sabotage.
- What it takes to rebuild trust, including the capacity to stay present with your pain rather than rushing to move on.
- When repair after infidelity can lead to growth — and when the conditions for real repair may not be there.
If you’re navigating betrayal, I’m really sorry you’re going through that. I hope this episode helps you clarify what to look for and whether meaningful repair is possible.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is the first episode |
| 0:05.2 | of a new series called Ask Steff, which, as the title suggests, is a Q&A submitted from the audience. |
| 0:11.8 | And I'm going to be answering one of your questions. So I'm going to be doing one of these each |
| 0:15.3 | week alongside my regular episode. So that means that we are going to two episodes a week, |
| 0:20.3 | which hopefully is good news for those |
| 0:21.9 | of you who love the podcast. So in today's episode of Ask Steph, the question that I'm answering |
| 0:28.4 | is, is it possible for a fearful avoidant partner to change after having cheated? |
| 0:34.6 | So obviously this is a big one. And the whole topic of repair after infidelity is probably one |
| 0:41.2 | that needs at least one full length episode. But here I just want to give a few pointers for things |
| 0:46.9 | that I'd be looking for if I were in that situation. And as a side note, that's going to be the tone |
| 0:52.4 | of these Ask Steff episodes is that they're |
| 0:54.7 | shorter answers to listener questions rather than a deep dive, which is what my other |
| 0:58.8 | episodes are. |
| 0:59.6 | Okay. |
| 1:00.2 | So the starting point for me is I believe that most anyone can change. |
| 1:05.2 | I think change is always available and possible. |
| 1:08.6 | But whether someone is likely to change is a different question, |
| 1:12.3 | and that is the one that I would be focusing on if I were in that situation rather than, |
| 1:16.8 | is it possible for someone to change? So pivoting to, is it likely that this person is going to |
| 1:23.1 | change? I think gives rise to some other really important questions that I would be sitting |
| 1:27.4 | with. |
| 1:28.1 | The first being, how are they responding to what happened? What is their telling of the story? |
... |
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