Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne this week. You can't

hurt all the truth. Zach brings the case against his brother Nick. Zach claims to have

been a member of their high school track team. Nick says it never happened. Who's right?

Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom

and presents an obscure cultural reference. I'm a human being, a whole human being in

my own right. And I've got thoughts and secrets and a bloody life inside me that he doesn't

know is there. And he'll never know what's there because he's stupid. I suppose you'll

laugh at this me saying the judge is a brolly bastard. But what I say is true, right

enough. He's stupid. And I'm not because I can see further into the likes of him. And

he can see into the likes of me. bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear to the litigants

in.

Zach and Nick, please rise and raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the

whole truth in nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you

swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he is barred from track

and field competition? I do. Yes. I'm not going to get into why. Let's just say some people

got javelined. Some people got javelined. And I think the object of the javelin is to

not javelin anybody, which no one explained to me. It seems like tempting fate to put

that in somebody's hand. Anyway, Nick and Zach, you may be seated for an immediate summary

judgment. One of your favors can either of you name the piece of culture that I paraphrased

while I entered this fake courtroom of internet law. And we say, Zach, you start first.

I believe you're quoting the movie pre-fantane starting Jared Leto. Sorry, what did you

say? I believe it's starting Jared Leto. And I'm just, Jess, are you hearing words? I'm just

...