Why You’re Obsessed, Anxious, And Still Single - Mercedes Coffman - #1092

Modern Wisdom

Chris Williamson

Society & Culture, Health & Fitness

4.6 • 5.9K Ratings

🗓️ 2 May 2026

⏱️ 91 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Mercedes Coffman is a writer, researcher, and cultural commentator. What’s happening with modern dating? People who are genuinely ready for a relationship feel frustrated, even punished by a shallow dating pool, yet others seem to find real love every day. So what’s actually broken, and what can be fixed? Expect to learn why avoidant culture is changing relationship expectations, if modern dating is punishing emotionally available people, why dating fatigue is kicking in, if someone is actually too busy for you or if they just say they are, the most common ways people unknowingly sabotage their own relationships, why you can just “fix her” and much more… Sponsors: See discounts for all the products I use and recommend: ⁠⁠https://chriswillx.com/deals⁠⁠ Get a Free Sample Pack of LMNT’s most popular flavours with your first purchase at https://drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom Get 35% off your first subscription on the best supplements from Momentous at https://livemomentous.com/modernwisdom Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period from Shopify at https://shopify.com/modernwisdom Get 15% off your first order of my favourite Non-Alcoholic Brew at https://athleticbrewing.com/modernwisdom Timestamps: (0:00) How Avoidant Culture is Rewriting Relationships (1:55) Does Modern Dating Punish Emotionally Availability? (4:20) What Makes Emotionally Available People Vulnerable? (8:51) How to Spot Emotional Availability (12:00) What Does a Perfect Match Really Look Like? (13:33) What Blocks True Alignment? (16:39) Are We Too Obsessed With Love? (25:28) Why Discernment is the Ultimate Relationship Skill (34:23) How Do Rom-Coms Distort Our Love Lives (37:02) Romantasy: Escapism or Soft-Core Porn? (39:55) Does Desire Outpace Emotional Capacity? (42:53) Why We Self-Sabotage in Relationships (45:10) The Best Way to Build Emotional Capacity (46:16) Does Trauma Drive Relationship Self-Sabotage? (49:32) We Need to Start With Self-Acceptance (01:04:07) Why We Crave Chaos and Stability (01:07:34) Love Bombing: The Most Dangerous Red Flag (01:14:15) Who Falls Hardest Into Limerence? (01:17:35) Why Inconsistent Praise Hooks You In (01:25:37) The Wrong People Are the Hardest to Get Over (01:27:30) Stop Being So Hard on Yourself (01:28:53) How to Comfortably Hold Your Boundaries (01:30:33) Where to Find Mercedes Extra Stuff: Get my free reading list of 100 books to read before you die: ⁠⁠https://chriswillx.com/books⁠⁠ Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic: ⁠⁠https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom⁠⁠ Episodes You Might Enjoy: #577 - David Goggins - This Is How To Master Your Life: ⁠⁠lnkfi.re/SN-Goggins⁠⁠ #712 - Dr Jordan Peterson - How To Destroy Your Negative Beliefs: ⁠⁠lnkfi.re/SN-Peterson⁠⁠ #700 - Dr Andrew Huberman - The Secret Tools To Hack Your Brain: ⁠⁠lnkfi.re/SN-Huberman⁠⁠ - Get In Touch: Instagram: ⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx⁠⁠ Twitter: ⁠⁠https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx⁠⁠ YouTube: ⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast⁠⁠ Email: ⁠⁠https://chriswillx.com/contact⁠⁠ - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	I've heard you say that avoidant culture is changing relationship expectations.
0:05.1	Yes.
0:05.6	How so?
0:06.4	Well, there's a couple of different reasons.
0:08.5	I mean, I think avoidance culture is making people have to minimize themselves because
0:15.4	we're interconnected human beings.
0:18.1	We need to be connected to other beings, right?
0:20.2	It regulates our nervous
0:21.1	system. It makes us feel good. It stabilizes us. And so nowadays, with everything being expedited,
0:27.4	we live in an era of immediacy. And everything is geared towards reinforcing avoidance versus intimacy.
0:35.4	Everything is about instant gratification, getting results right away.
0:42.4	And so people, especially emotionally available people, which is who I largely work with as far as
0:47.4	my clientele, they're noticing that they're lowering their standards in order to keep a
0:52.5	relationship. And so the only way that now people see an opportunity for a relationship or maintaining a relationship is by changing their standards.
1:01.5	Otherwise, they feel like there's no hope left.
1:04.0	Because especially in dating apps, everything is about convenience and speed, about disposability. And nobody really wants to take the time to have
1:13.7	gradual development. Is that avoidant culture? Yes. Is that how you would define avoidant
1:18.3	culture? Yes. So avoidant culture is really just avoiding anything that's inconveniencing
1:23.3	or anything that causes discomfort, meaning anything that takes too much time, anything that requires
1:29.8	too much effort, anything that requires consistency or follow through, that would basically
1:34.5	fall into avoidant culture. And nowadays, especially on most of the dating apps, they're designed
1:40.6	for that. They're designed for rewarding avoidance because it's all about novelty.
	...

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