We all know that an end goal would be great.

Orgasms all around, but the more you can focus on what feels good in the moment and being present, the more likely you're both going to have pleasure and finish, because when we take the pressure off ourselves, if we're thinking, am I going to come? Is you going to come? What's happening? We're really not in the moment. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, here to help you prioritize pleasure

and liberate the conversation around sex. Producer Erica and I are talking about the topic

everyone asked me about when they want to spice things up, but we're not just giving you a list.

We're getting into what actually works for your body, like why that move you've seen everywhere

might be missing the point, the position that lets you sink your breath and actually connect.

And we're answering your questions about those moments when you're not sure who does what or when.

This episode is about experimenting, staying present, and finding what feels good for you, not what

looks good.

If you're ready to try something new, stay with us.

Let's get into it.

This is from Diana 21 in New Jersey.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a new viewer to your podcast.

And from the moment I listened to one of your podcasts, I knew I had to write you. Thank you, Diana. Welcome to the show. I would like advice and I have a question. I'll start up with the advice. All my life, I've always been a people pleaser and that does not change in the bedroom. I've set a double standard between myself and my boyfriend. If I'm doing something to him, I don't want to stop until he finishes. To me, it doesn't matter if I'm tired, in an uncomfortable position. On the other hand, when he is doing step with me, I find myself making sure that he isn't tired, that he's enjoying what he's doing. This isn't his fault. He actually wants me to stop if I'm tired. I feel like as though as part of this might be because in the past, my current boyfriend was a complete pillow princess for a couple years. He didn't do anything to pleasure me, but I would always do things for him. We've since talked about this and he's been changing his behavior. I don't totally blame him because we were teenagers and he didn't realize how it was affecting me. I don't ever want him to feel the way I felt for a long time. I put a lot of pressure on him finishing because this is my version of completion and I know it makes him feel good. If you could give me any advice on that, I appreciate it. Also, I do want to clarify that he's really trying and he deeply regrets over making me feel that way. On a different topic, I have a question about the 69 position. I was thinking about trying it soon. I just don't entirely understand how it works when it comes to being done. Are you supposed to stop when one person's done? Do you keep going until both people finish? I'm confused about it. Thanks for help. I greatly appreciate it. Even typing this felt therapeutic. I can't wait to listen more of your podcast. I love it. And let me just say here that

writing out your thoughts, your questions, your feelings is therapeutic. That's why you always

hear about journaling as a really important self-care practice. Writing it down just helps you

get clear and really is therapeutic. Makes you feel like I am doing something towards,

you know, solving this challenge that I have. First, I want to say, I love Diana that you've been in this relationship for a long time since you were a teenager and you've learned how to communicate effectively with your partner. You've learned how to say, this didn't feel good to me. And I've learned what does make me feel good. And, you know, I know he feels bad, but honestly, he's far ahead of many, many men who never learn that what they're doing is just receiving and laying back. So I love that for you guys. And then the other thing is about being a people pleaser. That's relatable. A lot of us are pleasers and we just want our partner to feel good. But next, you say you put a lot of pressure on him finishing because that's your version of completion. It sounds like he's cool with not finishing. And so we have to listen to what he said. And sometimes it sounds like you're coming at sex, which is common from this very binary place. He finishes, I finish. What comes first? What happens next? But sex is more like a dance than it is like getting to a

finish line. So maybe he's not going to come yet and then you come and then he comes. Or maybe he

never comes, but you just focus on your orgasm. Or maybe there's times where you're just focusing on him

and you don't come. But the best sex happens when it's, this is going to be hard. Hear me out.

It's organic and it flows rather than having a set end goal. However, we all know that an end goal would be great. Orgasms all around. But the more you can focus on what feels good in the moment and being present, the more likely you're both going to have pleasure and finish because when we take the pressure

...