Why People-Pleasing Makes You Lose Yourself (And How to Get Back)

Negotiate Anything

American Negotiation Institute

Education, Business, Self-improvement

4.7 • 748 Ratings

🗓️ 8 September 2025

⏱️ 66 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Why do we keep ending up in toxic relationships — even when we know better? ⁠Buy the book Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves--and How to Find Our Way Back ⁠ In this powerful conversation, Kwame Christian sits down with psychologist and trauma therapist Dr. Ingrid Clayton to explore the hidden reason behind this pattern: the fawning trauma response. Ingrid shares how complex trauma rewires the nervous system, why simply “setting boundaries” often doesn’t work, and how shame keeps us stuck in cycles of people-pleasing. Together, they unpack the science of safety, what it really takes to break free, and why healing is less about quick tips and more about reconnecting with yourself. If you’ve ever wondered why saying “no” feels impossible — or why you’re drawn to the very relationships that hurt you — this episode will change how you see yourself and your story. Connect with Ingrid BOOK: FAWNING: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves--and How to Find Our Way Back INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE: https://www.instagram.com/ingridclaytonphd/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3PvWTgJMirURfgHWj3h28g WEBSITE: https://www.ingridclayton.com/ Discount code "KWAME" gives 30% discount over 3 months TL;DR what is folk? folk is a CRM, and extension, that helps businesses build real relationships and close deals. Why is folk better? folk is simple, integrated, and proactive to use. folk’s value proposition? folk CRM does the busy work for you, so you can focus on growing your service business. folk’s tagline folk, like the sales assistant your team never had What product details will most excite your audience? • ⁠⁠⁠⁠Our seamless integrations with social channels⁠⁠⁠⁠ • ⁠⁠⁠⁠Our 1-click Enrichment that finds contact details for y⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠ou⁠⁠⁠⁠ • ⁠⁠⁠⁠Know the best leads to reach out to with AI Follow-up⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠s⁠⁠⁠⁠ Useful links & resources •⁠⁠⁠⁠ folk's website⁠⁠⁠⁠ •⁠⁠⁠⁠ folk's Linkedin⁠⁠⁠⁠ • ⁠⁠⁠⁠Simo, our CEO’s, LinkedIn⁠⁠⁠⁠ • ⁠⁠⁠⁠folk's Youtube⁠⁠⁠ Contact ANI ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Request A Customized Workshop For Your Company⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Follow Kwame Christian on LinkedIn⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠negotiateanything.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Click here to buy your copy of Finding Confidence in Conflict: How to Negotiate Anything and Live Your Best Life!⁠

Transcript

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0:00.0	Sometimes we wonder why setting boundaries feels impossible or why we keep ending up in the same
0:06.2	kinds of relationships that don't serve us, even when we know better. In this episode, I sit down
0:11.9	with Dr. Ingrid Clayton, a psychologist and a trauma therapist who has lived this work herself.
0:18.2	She breaks down something that most of us have never heard, the fawning trauma
0:22.7	response, and suddenly those patterns that used to feel confusing or shameful actually start to make
0:29.4	sense. This isn't about tips or tricks. It's about understanding yourself in a way that frees
0:34.9	you to show up differently in these incredibly difficult conversation. I can promise you a way that frees you to show up differently in these incredibly difficult
0:38.6	conversation. I can promise you the way that Ingrid explains it will stick with you long
0:43.8	after this episode ends. Let's jump in. With the new book, what would you say your hope is with
0:52.5	the message in the book? Oh my goodness. It's the best question.
0:56.8	My hope is that people who have lived a long time where they cannot find a healthy
1:03.2	relationship to save their lives, where they feel like they've tried everything,
1:08.7	people tell them set boundaries and raise your self-esteem and it all
1:11.8	just feels unavailable to them. My hope is that they will know that they make sense. And through
1:18.9	this trauma-informed lens, they will be able to find the tools to finally give them the flexibility,
1:26.4	to give them the flexibility, to give them the
1:27.5	flexibility, to give them the reciprocal relationships they've been longing for, but
1:32.2	mostly a healthy and loving relationship with themselves. Oh my goodness. Ingrid,
1:38.9	there's so much to unpack here. Just, Tommy, just a few. Wow. Where do we even start with this?
1:45.5	I think for me, one of the most interesting things that you said is letting them know that they make sense.
1:52.1	Well, I come to you, as you know, as a clinical psychologist and a trauma therapist, and I've
1:57.0	been in this field for decades.
	...

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