Is it just the reality of marriage - that there are ups and downs? Good and bad times?

Or are you experiencing emotional and psychological abuse?

Anne and Virginia, a member of the BTR.ORG community, are discussing the realities of hidden abuse - and what you need to know about emotional and psychological abuse. Tune into the BTR.ORG podcast and read the full transcript below.
What do emotionally & psychologically abusive marriages look like?
For many women in our community, including Virginia, emotionally and psychologically abusive marriages follow cycles of seemingly peaceful, connected, and intimate times - followed by disconnected, confusing, and sometimes overtly abusive times.
What do "Good Times" with an emotional abuser look like?
Victims express that the good times are so good. The abuser seems to make real effort to change, including:

* Attending therapy
* Attending church
* Attending 12-step programs
* Being engaged with the family
* Halting pornography use, or using it less
* Being more respectful and kind at home
* Being more responsible with substance use
* Being more responsible with money
* Encouraging or allowing the victim to practice self-care, including joining support groups

Victims may feel hesitant to bring up the "bad times" so that they can just enjoy the "good" portion of the cycle. They may feel that they're walking on eggshells in order to prolong the "healthy" period. They may hope and believe that the "good" or "healthy" period is permanent and then feel devastated when the "good" period ends.
Think of "Good" as "Grooming"
At BTR, we've come to understand that the "good" part of the cycle is often the abuser simply grooming the victim. "Relapse" into abusive behaviors is not part of the recovery process. In fact, it's an important part of understanding that the abuser wasn't actually doing those seemingly healthy behaviors to permanently change because they want to become a healthy, kind person - they were doing it to keep the victim engaged in the relationship.
What do "Bad Times" with an emotional abuser look like?
When the grooming is over, the abuser may:

* Stop attending any meetings (church, 12-step, therapy) and insist that the victim "forced", "coerced", "manipulated", or "threatened" them into going.
* Become hostile, violent, angry, or passive aggressive toward the victim/family.
* Begin sexually acting out and may lie or gaslight about it.
* Gaslight the victim into believing that any problems he once admitted to are non-existent and that she imagined them or exaggerated them in her head.
* Gaslight the victim into believing that she is controlling and is therefore the problem.
* Sexually coerce, assault, and/or rape the victim.
* Verbally abuse the victim.
* Create confusion and chaos with word salad, gaslighting, and other manipulative tools.
* Become disengaged and disinterested in the victim and the family.
* Become irresponsible, secretive, or controlling with family finances.
* Control the victim's privacy and time, insisting that it's for her own safety.

BTR.ORG Is Here For You
At BTR, we understand the exhaustion, terror, and extreme frustration that comes from the intense pendulum swings of an abuser's behavior. It's devastating. You deserve support - consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today.
Full Transcript:
Anne (00:00):
Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have a member of our community on today's episode. We're going to call her Virginia. She's been interacting with us on social media about a few concepts, and so we invited her on to talk about it. Speaking of social media,