What You Control, What You Don’t
Focus on Marriage Podcast
Focus on the Family
4.7 • 1.7K Ratings
🗓️ 24 July 2025
⏱️ 12 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
It's easy to fixate on what your spouse is doing wrong. But real courage many times is focusing on what you need to work on. Erin Smalley addresses how a lot of couples in her counseling are too focused on their spouse's issues. Then, Jim Daly speaks to Tara Lalonde and Dr. Bob Paul, who will encourage you to work on yourself.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | You know, it's probably one of the biggest lies that we're tempted to believe. If they would just change, we'll be fine. I'll be happy. But what if you could still be happy even though your spouse doesn't change? Is that possible? We think so. I'm John Fuller, joined by Dr. Greg |
| 0:23.1 | Smalley and his wife, Aaron, and they lead the marriage department here. And percentage-wise, |
| 0:28.0 | Aaron, how many couples who come to your counseling office are really focused on the other person |
| 0:36.2 | and wanting them to change? Is it a big percentage? I would say |
| 0:39.5 | the vast majority, maybe up to 75 percent, typically walk in and they're focusing on the other person. |
| 0:48.1 | However, when you're sitting with someone and you say, well, gosh, you're spending a lot of time |
| 0:53.1 | focusing on him or her. |
| 0:55.1 | And how much control do you have over what they do or don't do? And they get it. They're all of a sudden, they're like, zero. And I'm like, well, where do you have more power and control? And they say, with myself. And I'm like, yes. So really, it's taking that power back and focusing on you |
| 1:12.7 | because you have full control of what you do or don't do. You have great influence in your |
| 1:18.0 | spouse's life based on how you show up. So it really is just the recognition. I'll say that other |
| 1:24.3 | 25% typically has been in counseling or they're reading something that is talking about focusing on you. |
| 1:31.2 | Sure. |
| 1:31.6 | So it's interesting that I would say the vast majority are focusing on the other person. |
| 1:37.4 | I think it's safe to say that our listeners are part of the 25% because you're dialing in, right? |
| 1:42.4 | So already you've got an advantage here if you do need |
| 1:46.2 | counseling or if you're in counseling. Well, let's go ahead and turn now to a conversation that |
| 1:51.4 | Focus President Jim Daly had with Dr. Bob Paul and Tara Lalonde. And they offered some good |
| 1:57.5 | perspectives on taking ownership and putting up good boundaries. |
| 2:06.3 | Let me ask the question this way. It seems like from the garden, way back when, we hide. |
| 2:12.3 | We hide from God. I mean, it's like in our human DNA now. That's, I think, part of the definition, |
| 2:17.9 | when sin entered the world, we became shameful. I mean, it's kind of interesting to think about it. |
| 2:22.6 | What does taking personal responsibility look like in a marriage? |
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