We lay in bed at night and dream about what life would be like if we left the ones we desperately

love who struggle with addiction.

What would living without constant worry feel like?

How would we deal with our finances, the kids, and having no one to laugh with on the holidays?

Sometimes... no one to laugh with on the holidays. Sometimes imagining leaving feels so freeing, especially

when they are not answering their phones or are passed out on the couch. But the next moment it can be

absolutely terrifying, thinking of being alone and the anger and judgment we might face.

So how does it feel if we once we've really moved on?

There were moments where I was singing out loud in my car with the windows rolled all the way down,

feeling like the strongest and newest.

There were also moments when I was driving away from dropping off my children

at our designated exchange spot wiping away the tears and wishing things could have

worked out. The first few months were a roller coaster, a grieving process of sorts, the lows of

losing my relationship and the highs of feeling so proud of myself for walking away from an abusive relationship.

Extremes existed within 24 hours, but I stayed the course because the option of going back to a life of

chaos and trauma seemed so much more difficult than moving forward or on some days just standing still.

On the days that I felt depressed I wasn't really missing him, but rather I was missing

the idea of being married and having a family.

I wanted so badly to give my children a father, but I knew the biological one they had was not

healthy enough to fill that role, and sometimes that made me feel like failure as a mother.

But one of the best things I learned when I was leaving my ex-husband

was from a child psychologist who told me,

...