As it's 16 years since we met, I have a confession. Are you breaking up? Is it the end of this podcast? No. Because I'm gonna be pissed after everything, what? I completely thought you catfish me when we first met. What? Because, listen to this, Dan was the last person to get off the train. Who gets off the train last? If you get onto the train first at the station, because you don't want to do all that walking, You're gonna have to do a dramatic walk down the platform later.

Right. If you're meeting your mysterious lover off the internet, don't you want them to do the longest walk down a train platform ever? I was stood there five minutes. Come on, buddy. That whole time you thought I was going to stand you up. I bet you were in the train toilet adjusting your hat.

How dare you?

You're your fuzzy hat.

I looked lovely in my 2009 trapper hat, thank you. Sure. Well, I thought you were gonna catfish me. How? This is like a rude personal attack. I don't, I will bring it on now. It's time to break up. I'm just gonna drop it. Phil, when I first met you, I thought you were wearing a wig.

What?

How?

You don't understand.

A wig? He just re-died his hair black, okay. And the black that you used to dye your hair, it was not natural chocolate brown. It was like savage, Schwartzcough, triple black, raven, Meyer. And this shit was shiny and you had hairsprayed it.

It didn't move.

So the first time I saw you, I was trying to make icon...

And I just couldn't stop staring at his head and I was like...

I guess it...

It didn't move in the wind.

I guess.

It is so perfect because I emptied a whole can of hairspray into it.

Oh, you made such an effort to look nice

that you actually looked almost dementedly perfect.

Fine.

So you thought that I might turn up and be Pauline 58 from Bradford?

Yes.

And I thought that you were bald.

...