Attention at all passengers. You can now book your train tickets on Uber and get 10% back in Uber credits to spend on your next train journey.

So no excuses not to visit your in-laws this Christmas.

Trains now on Uber. T's and C's apply check the Uber app. The Andy, Sean Dice, yeah. He sent his plays a motivational wav to help them get through the lockdown yeah

okay I managed to get a copy using uh spyware from Skyblast yeah

uh skyblast rocket systems. It's a really terrifying bit of software from a quite frankly Andrew terrifying company.

So I'll play it for you.

All right. You need to stay at home and practice on your own.

Keep your arse cheeks clean. and practice on your own.

Keep your arse cheeks clean and stick to my routine.

Get up early half past six, put bacon, fat and butter on your weater bits.

Shave your thighs, then put on your kit.

If your shorts aren't tight, then you're probably unfit.

Sit on the pot till half past seven then wipe your ass with a slice of melon.

It's nice and absorbent, nice and cool, and if you've had a clean break you can eat it too.

Make a pork pie smoothie and your Kenwood blender then wash your hands with turkey render.

At 12 o'clock on the dot, take your second visit to the pot. Never strain but don't go easy. You need to make space for your chips to the cheesy.

After your chips you'll want to

kip on working up white the dribble from your kit. Go into the garage once a day,

catch all the insects and punch them in the face.

Half past four dig a hole in your lawn, fill it with bolts and your girlfriend's quorn.

And half past seven eat a gammon slice always with chips never with rice.

Bed at 10 with an evening pie of a Tommy tank and then it's good night and remember.

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