If you want professional advice on how to stop dating people that don't support or respect you and you want to start having a BANGER relationship full of love and appreciation, lean in my homies. Because this part too, this fire conversation with amazing psychotherapists and bestselling author, Laurie Gottlib, is about to start. Now she's not holding back as we talk more on the topics about why you need to understand the difference between compatibility and having things in common and how to actually then navigate the two. She talks about how dating actually changes as your age changes and finally she goes into what green flags and what red flags to look out for when you're learning something about someone. So identifying these are going to help you navigate whether they're right for you or whether they're not,

because my homie we should never be settling for anything less than we deserve.

Alright, so if you want to date better or improve your relationship then let's get right back into it guys.

I'm your host Lisa Bilyu and this is Women of Impact.

As a therapist and when you're watching these couples go back on fourth,

when someone's retelling the story and they're both retelling a story and it ends up being very different. How do you know, assume that maybe you don't have a therapist in the room to really be able to guide you and you're just constantly arguing with your partner and you have one side of your story and the partner has the other. How do you start to discuss that? Be open to each other's sides and actually realise the truth of what the story is versus being so damn dogmatic in your own position. Yeah, so think about like a triangle, right? So up here at the top is the content. It's like we're finding about whether we should, you know, go to your friend's thing or whatever you're fighting about. And you know, I don't like this friend and, you know, whatever. That's up here. The process is down here, which is where the communication is. So the thing that you're fighting about and you know I don't like this friend and you know whatever. That's up here.

The process is down here which is where the communication is. So the thing that you're fighting about at the top, if you keep talking about that you will get literally nowhere. Okay. Because it's like no I feel this, no I feel this. Well then who's more important? Who loves who more? Who's feelings matter more? That's what's down here. So if you can say, you know what? I'm feeling like you like I I want to make sure you understand that when I'm with this friend, this is what happens for me. And the other person is say, okay, how can we make it better for you? This is my best friend and it's important to me. Can we both compromise a little bit? Can you come for an hour instead of the whole time?

Do you want me to help if this topic of conversation comes up? Do you want me to help redirect it? Like how can we be there for each other in this situation? And then it doesn't become this binary thing of yes, you're going, no, you're not going. I hate your friend. I will, you know, you don't support me because it's my best friend.

It just becomes a completely different kind of conversation.

How are we working together

so that we both feel seeing her understood?

And yeah, we're both not like in an ideal world, we would both want something different, but given that we're this partnership, how can we support each other and give something to the other person without giving up who we are? And how much do we actually then stay in the feelings of things? versus I want to say like the facts of the situation? Well, like what? So I Feel like you were really rude to me and you really would disrespect for so that's all feelings The facts of it is your partner came up to you and was honest about you being messy And so now you're just saying about your feelings that they really hurt you, but they're ignoring the facts of what your partner's trying to tell you. Oh, so if you're the person who's messy, you might say, you need to own the part that is yours, which is you are messy. So that's a fact. But what you can say is you can say, I know that I'm messy, But the way that we're talking about it makes me feel shame, it makes me feel like something's wrong with me. It makes me feel like there's that you're you're saying something in a way that doesn't feel respectful. So I know that this is something I don't feel it's as big of a problem as you do. This is how I live. I know it bothers you.

So can we talk about this in a way where it's not

that being messy is bad or being meter is good,

but that we're different,

that I tend to not care that much about this.

You care a lot about this.

So let's talk about how we can work with this

given that we live in the same space instead of being

messy as bad and being neat as good.

It's so, because going back to that pyramid thing, you end up just arguing about the mess. Yeah, like who's got those socks, who's this, who's that, you know, and usually it will come, when you say someone's messy, they hear it as an insult. Yeah, I suppose it just like this doesn't pop, maybe I'm more flexible than you are. you are. Right? Maybe I'm less rich than you are. I mean, you could, but you don't even

want to say that.

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