What up my homies, this is Lisa Bilyu here, and today we are talking about something that every single one of us actually needs to master,

but we don't put the time and effort in, why? Because it's bloody hard. So what do we do? We just sit there, put on Netflix, and then watch vicariously, as we see these women badasses on TV, be able to take down minute-pladers. We watch their investigations, I don't know about you guys, but I watch the British quines where I see how they managed to figure out that person.

And if you're at home watching, you definitely try to predict what's about to happen. I don't know about you guys, but I watch the British Coymes where I see how they managed to figure out that person

And if you're home watching you definitely try to predict what's about to happen right sometimes we get it wrong sometimes we get it right But in the real world that actually ends up being if you get it wrong There were serious racking consequences to us women in not recognizing if we're being manipulated or if someone's norcises or even was someone's psychopath.

And the more work that I've been doing in this area, the more it's shockingly in not recognizing if we're being manipulated or if someone's a narcissist or even worse

if someone's a psychopath and the more work that I've been doing in this area, the more

it's shockingly surprising how many of them are out there.

So if you want to make sure that you have a beautiful relationship with a very solid

stable person, I mean how many times have you looked back at a relationship or a conversation

or even a first day and thought, how on earth did I not see the red flag sooner? Or worse, you felt something was off. You kind of had to get intuition, but you ended up just ignoring it. And you convinced yourself that has nothing. Well, Mahomi, that freaking ends today with today's guess, because I've got the chase Hughes in the house house. Now he's a master of behavioral analysis, interrogation and influence, aka the guy who literally trains intelligence agencies on how to read people and get anything out of them. And so today he's handing us the damn playbook. So we talk about how to spot a manipulator on the very first day before they end up trapping you in their lame web. We also talk about why narcissists and psychopaths know exactly what you need to hear in order for them to trap you. But today with this lesson, it stops immediately. And then we talk about literally guys, the one question that you can ask that instantly exposes a toxic person before they actually are able to take the control. Now if you've ever felt like the wool has been pulled over your eyes that someone took advantage of you that they played you that you end up second-guessing your own instincts or ones where you end up walking away from a conversation, fling off. With this episode will absolutely change all of that. It will give you the tactics

and the tools that you can start to implement and then tell other people around you so that we never end up getting in these situations again. Alright guys, without further ado, let's just jump in with my boy Chase Hughes right here on Women of Impact. So Chase, as the number one human behaviour expert, you actually teach women how to spot analysis and screen for psychopaths on the first date. So what are the sneaky signs that we just keep missing? The ones that I think that people miss the most is the stuff that's most obvious, because I think the psychopath, what they do is they pull you in by becoming what you need. So the moment that they transform into what you need to see or what you need to hear, you develop a cognitive blind spot for all of these warning signs. And that's the biggest thing that happens that I'm talking to this person where it feels like we're having this great connection. When my brain says, I like this person, then it leads to, trust this person. So our brain, if we're not careful, starts to ignore some of those things. So one of the most powerful questions that anybody, especially women, could ever ask is, what is the biggest thing you learned about yourself during that time? So working on a stressful job, past relationship, going through anything stressful, some kind of conflict in somebody's life, yes, that one question, like, what's the biggest lesson that you learned about yourself during that? And when you have narcissists and all psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths. But you'll get a response from that person where it's typically blaming, nothing was wrong with them. They didn't really need to learn anything about themselves. They didn't need to develop anything. They didn't need to grow. So you'll hear a lot of answers like that. So you're going to hear from on the red flag side, you're going to hear, I learned not to trust people so quickly. I learned not to get involved with this type of person. I learned that people can't be trusted. I learned that you get hurt no matter what. And on the other side, you'll hear people like on the healthier side, you'll hear people say, well, I definitely learned that I need to be more open. I kind of concealed everything and I was too controlling. And you'll hear admissions that are honest and genuine and forthcoming. So that one question is super powerful. And the second thing to look out can I ask you one follow-up question before you go into the second thing because this is super important. What's the difference between someone answering like that who's a narcissist or a psychopath compared to someone that's just wildly insecure and they can't take a personal ownership. That's a beautiful follow-up question. So when you have somebody that has a lot of self-consciousness and insecurities and things like that, they're going to start to answer that question in a way that looks reserved. You're going to see body language movements that are incomplete, like they'll reach for a drink and it'll have little tiny pauses in it. So this is called like an unfinished movements. Like you'll see a lot of that. You'll see hesitation and reservation in their behavior. So they'll stop a little too long to think or they'll worry about how they're being perceived with the answer. So the person who's a little bit insecure about what they're saying, you'll see their head go down, shoulders come up a little bit, we call this turtling in body language. So anytime somebody's experiencing fear, the number one thing that your body does is protect arteries. So like you'll see that this bone right here, the humerus will come closer in to protect this break ill artery. The shoulders will come up a little bit more. The hands will kind of come around this stomach that doesn't have any bones in front of it. I think if you just watch the person, you don't have to study body language at all, do their body start to become more closed as you ask that question? And that's the way that you would spot somebody with some insecurities. Amazing. Thank you. That's so specific. Okay. So sorry to interrupt you the second part. So the second thing to look out for is, and this is especially true with with narcissists, they will very rarely have local friends. Their friends are out of town, they're in another state, they're in another city, they live in another country, and all of their friends are weirdly out of town or they live somewhere else. That's one of the big red flags that I've seen in like 99% of cases. And I've interviewed a lot of people about this stuff. And is that just because they can't maintain close friendships? Is that the indicator? They have a great ability to maintain occasional friendships, but they don't have the ability to spend lots and lots of time with a person for an extended period without something happening, like the relationship starting to crumble, like we had a falling out or that guy's a dick or they're going to say something like that for the any reason they don't have any local friends. But if they're faking it, they're going run out of steam. They're gonna run out of gas at the two, three hour mark,

and you're gonna start seeing little cracks in that facade that that person's trying to present. So what do the cracks look like? The cracks look like I'm seeing a steady behavior. I'm seeing good posture. I'm seeing good eye contact. Their movements are fluid. And then all of a sudden, I'm starting to see a lack of facial expressions.

I'm seeing them instead of breathing into their stomach, their breathing into their chest,

I'm seeing to see a lack of facial expressions. I'm seeing them instead of breathing into their stomach, their breathing into their chest, I'm seeing stress increase because their actions are not demonstrative, they are performative. And that's the biggest thing that I think people should learn to spot the difference between, am I seeing a performance versus a demonstration of this person's natural thoughts and their feelings and what they're thinking? And I'll say maybe this is a random number three. If I have a conversation with somebody where at a restaurant, where at a bar and I've met someone new, and I just feel fantastic. Like I'm almost like I'm meeting me. I'm meeting the exact thing I'm looking for. And after the conversation, you don't feel good anymore. That's the biggest sign is how you feel inside after the conversation stops. And if I have a genuine conversation with a genuine person who's not manipulating me, I'm gonna keep feeling good after that conversation because that's rooted in serotonin and oxytocin all these connection chemicals. If I instantly feel this crash after a conversation, that conversation was rooted in dopamine. So that person was able to find all of these little triggers. And there's no textbook out there that says psychopathy 101, here's how to manipulate people. They grew up doing this. So once we get to the point where we're understanding that, people say like, this is how to permanently disarm a narcissist. You're not gonna do that. That's not gonna happen. These are lifelong patterns of behavior that take a lot to overcome. You're so freaking good at identifying the small little things that people don't even realize they're giving off. And there's a video where you on a Zoom call with a friend watching him talk to his girlfriend, I believe. And after the call, after like four seconds, you went, she's lying. Yeah. So if you're looking for deception, you need to focus more on open-ended questions than closed-ended questions. Because you're not gonna get a lot of body language out of somebody going, nope. That's tough. So what I told him to ask her was, tell me about last night. So that, and again, that's not even a question. And it makes it less of an interrogation because you're like, oh, tell me about last night. What what all happened? That's is what did you do last night? Right. And that's like an interrogation type of question. Tell me where you were last night. What did you do? Who did you hang out with? So I'm kind of just making a statement instead of a question. So the brain doesn't react like it's trying to defend itself. So the moment that happened, we're starting to see nonverbal responses. And so I was just kind of like off camera looking at his phone. And I knew her baseline because I've spoken to her maybe for two minutes before in the past. So number one, the first thing is we tend to look a certain direction to access information, but everyone's different. And anybody listening right now, you could test this on all of your friends, and I'll test it on you right now so we can see it on the podcast. All right, let's do it. What is the seventh word of your favorite song? and tighttight my homie because up next Chase reveals the biggest red flag that gnauses is don't want you to notice and it isn't what you think will be right back. I write my homie things just sticking around now and let's just dive right back in. Alright, so down left is called internal dialogue. And that's 99% of people. So if I'm running through words in my own head, I'm going down and left. So now we kind of have a baseline of a person. So the number one thing that we need to look for when it comes to human behaviors, can I detect a change? It doesn't matter for a person. It says, you see all these books like somebody doesn't look you in the eye, they're scratching their face, they cross their arms. If they do that all day long, those behaviors are meaningless because that's their baseline, that's their normal behavior. So what we're looking for is a change. So the first change was this eye movement deviation. So she looked down left for a prolonged period, which is like, let me think about what to say. Right when she started talking about everything, her blink rate, which is how often we blink, shot through the roof. So let's break this down really quick. When we talk about blink rate, this is how often a person is blinking. We typically say blinks per minute. And the more often we're blinking, the more stressed out a person is. The less often we're blinking, the more focused a person is. So if I'm sitting here and I'm about to give you horrible information, like you're sitting there and your doctor comes in and I is like, all right, I want you to have a seat here. You're gonna almost stop blinking. So that's focus. So during high focus, it's like three or four blinks a minute during extreme focus. And during stress, like when I'm taking like the math portion of my SATs, my Blink rate is like 75 per minute.

And the cool thing is that the Blink rate is like 75 per minute.

And the cool thing is that the Blink rate is like 75 per minute.

And the cool thing is that the Bl blink rate is like 75 per minute. And the cool thing about blink rate is I can instantly see it in someone, because we look into each other's eyes all the time when we talk to other people, and it's an unconscious behavior. So one thing that we saw right away in the video is blink rate, her her Blinkrate was about a 15 or 20, which is the average in conversation, and it shot up to about an 80 when she was explaining what she did last night. And that's a solid indicator of stress, not deception. There is no behavior of deception. It doesn't exist. So we're looking for changes to normal behavior and stress. And then am I seeing a cluster, not just one thing. So if people say, oh, he did this one thing, he's lying. You need to look for multiple things. Like he lost fluency, he hesitated more than often. His eyes went in a different direction. His blink rate went up. He reached across and covered his abdomen, his shoulders went up into this like,

tertling behavior. And we're looking, that's a cluster, right? So when I see a cluster of behavior, I know that I'm not saying that someone's lying, I'm saying the likelihood is drastically increasing because I'm seeing this cluster. So the cool thing is like if you're studying blink rate, You don't need to sit there and count per minute blanks of a person.

You never want the time that you use a technique to be at the moment when it's most needed. So practice it at Starbucks. Practice it at the grocery store. Practice it in your Zoom meetings. So what you do is you start a conversation. Does the Blink Rate look pretty average, fast, or pretty slow? That's it. So what is the baseline here? And your goal is to look for change. So am I seeing Blink rate slow down, say the same, or speed up? So it's such a great indicator because it's built into our mammalian part of our brain and our brain stem. We're not aware of it and we're looking at people's eyes already.

So it's such a beautiful indicator of stress and focus.

Here's where it gets into narcissism and let me know if I'm drawing it too long.

No, I'm loving this.

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