July 18th, I'm going to be in Winnipeg, Canada at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival.

That's July.

I'm also coming to a bunch of cities in the fall, so you know what to do.

Okay, let's get to the news.

Let's go.

Here's the thing, though, when you talk about the news now, I think you have to, like, say what news is on every platform, you know, because it's not, we don't have universal news anymore.

So here's the news.

According to Twitter, the news is we are in World War III. According to TikTok, the new bestselling

dress is one that you can wear six ways, even though two of the ways may lead you to accidentally

hang yourself. According to Facebook, Marjorie Taylor Green is currently the sitting president.

According to threads, every

immigrant has been set on fire by Donald Trump personally. And according to YouTube, we are in a

simulation built by aliens and the dinosaurs built the pyramids. But Bigfoot may or may not have

helped. So I don't know what your news is currently, but mine is mostly about how Sabrina

Carpenter has set back women

60,000 years with her new album. People are very upset. The feminists are mad at Sabrina Carpenter

because currently feminism, you know, means that women should be able to do whatever they want,

unless it's that, unless it's that. We don't see gender, but we want women to be equal.

Also, we kind of hate women who lead into any kind of socially constructed femininity or do anything that could be perceived as male gays because that means you want validation for men, which would mean technically that you're insecure and possibly damaged and you're not allowed to be insecure or damaged.

You have to be unscathed and perfect at all times.

And you certainly can't make mistakes in your 20s.

Just FYI.

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