S3 E14 Pleasurable Percentages - BONUS
Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes
Who shat on the floor at my wedding? And other crimes
4.6 • 1.3K Ratings
🗓️ 18 December 2025
⏱️ 25 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
How good are we at solving crimes… statistically speaking?
After several months of operating the Unqualified Detective Agency, we finally attempt to answer the question no one asked but everyone fears: what is our actual crime-solving success rate?
A supposedly simple calculation quickly descends into bickering, selective memory, creative accounting, and a spirited debate over what should and definitely should not count as “solved”.
To restore order, we bring in a professional statistician to crunch the numbers properly. The result is a percentage so alarming it raises serious questions about competence, confidence, and whether maths should ever be trusted.
If you’ve ever wondered how not to measure success, this bonus episode is for you.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Before we get into this episode, we have an announcement to make. |
| 0:03.4 | We have officially launched our very own unqualified detectives club on Patreon. |
| 0:08.9 | If you love our show and you want to become friends with us, come and join us. |
| 0:12.6 | You'll get access to our detective chat room, live Q&As and exclusive bonus content. |
| 0:17.2 | Such as the video of me interrogating Henk from season one. |
| 0:21.3 | When I physically threatened him. |
| 0:22.5 | What's happening? |
| 0:23.5 | verbally threatened him. |
| 0:24.5 | Do you love your girlfriend? |
| 0:25.5 | I do very much. |
| 0:26.5 | What would happen if she was to just suddenly disappear? |
| 0:29.8 | That's all on video. |
| 0:30.7 | And you can detect his bad body language. |
| 0:32.9 | Plus I am apparently going to be strapped up to the USB military edition lie detector for the very first time. And you get to ask the questions. |
| 0:41.4 | Strap that bitch up. So sign up today at patreon.com slash who shut on the floor at my wedding. |
| 0:47.3 | Helen? Will Helen join? Doubt it. We'll probably have to pay her to be honest. |
| 0:52.9 | Detective work looks different when you have no business doing it. |
| 0:57.0 | You can spot it instantly in the way we open every case. |
| 1:01.0 | Blind confidence followed by immediate regret. |
| 1:05.0 | And every single case we take on leaves its mark. |
| 1:09.0 | We've endured botched interrogations, undercover operations wearing |
| 1:13.3 | bow ties and clown pants, school stakeouts, bribery gone wrong, flirting, trespassing, |
... |
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