So resilience, given that we are a social species and it's deeply in our evolutionary advantage,

our survival advantage to connect because that's actually after advantage,

because that's actually, after all, what makes our species

so adaptable and so capable of living in different environments is that we connect really well.

And yet, when we have setbacks, relational disappointments, frustrations, breakups, when our plans

for employment go ride.

When we lose an attachment figure,

it can be very, very difficult for us to essentially persevere, reconnect, and there are also very strong impulses to withdraw and to

essentially disconnect.

So tonight my goal is to explain why we have these contrary impulses, one impulse to withdraw and essentially retreat after disappointments, but also why we have these very

strong impulses to essentially try to reconnect, to become vulnerable and reach out for human bonding.

And then we'll talk about some of the tools that I hope will tip the balance away from withdrawal towards taking the risk of going back into relational life.

On the one hand, after we have a setback, say a breakup or a,

we get fired from a job or a business plan goes awry or whatever it is we're trying to do

meet a really frustrating conclusion. We have well-developed

pathological defense mechanisms that encourage us to disconnect.

The most obvious is depression, diminution of dopamine in left hemispheric receptors.

Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that rewards you for engagement in the world, for pursuing goals, for taking for

pursuing goals, for taking risks.

Dopamine also is a neurotransmitter that's released when we eat,

when we shop, when we take cocaine.

Well, I don't anymore, but if you did,

...