Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,

the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Sarkir Stama.

Thank you.

Good evening.

It's me, Sakhir Stama, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Now, as most of you probably know, I am old enough to watch pornography.

And I am no stranger to a dirty video cassette or raunchy magazine, such as The Economist.

As red-blooded British men, we all occasionally like to relieve ourselves with one off the wrist.

And I am no different. We navigate over to Porn.com and type in tender missionary sex with no eye contact.

And we watch it thinking to ourselves, well this is lovely, but I wish that was my wife in the video.

There is, however, a problem, which is that we have a duty to protect children from seeing inappropriate content online.

Whether that's the antics of a certain Ms. Blue, who I have to say is aptly named, given her language, or articles from the Economist.

We can't allow these things to shape young minds. For this reason, I have brought

in the online safety bill to verify the age of people watching pornography. Now, a lot of people

are concerned about this, so I'll explain. The way it works is actually very simple. You go over to

porn.com and you upload an image of yourself

holding up your national insurance card, passport, the last three months of bank statements

and a utility bill. Then you can log in and tug away to your heart's content. When my wife

sees me sneaking off to the bathroom with my expanding Manila document folder,

she rolls her eyes.

A lot of people are concerned about privacy, but don't be.

Civil servants at the new Ministry of Shame will be logging every video you masturbate to on a secure server, which

is cross-reference to the electoral role to make sure people are masturbating under their own

...