Please have a seat.

Welcome to the late show.

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

I just want to start off tonight.

I want to start off tonight with just a quick congratulations

to the people in here in the theater,

but especially to the people at home.

Because if we're being broadcast right now at 11.35

Eastern time, that means we are not at war with China.

I'm a big fan of me, but I feel like I might be proud

if that was happening.

Here's why I bring it up.

Let's see, tensions have been rising between the United States

and China.

Ever since the Chinese learned that Speaker Nancy Pelosi

was planning a trip to Taiwan,

which called a question, America's one China policy

that acknowledges that Taiwan is part of China,

but not really.

The threat from the Chinese government

have not been subtle.

Last week, the Chinese warned that those who play with fire

...