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So I was almost in porn this week.

The scrapes that I have to drag this guy out of. Go on, Phil. How did this occur?

You don't mean scrapes, you mean oily rubs.

Well, I got a message on Instagram.

I don't usually check there's an other folder on Instagram,

and it was from a very sexy looking man

who was offering me a massage.

Legit service.

Hello, what's going on here?

I go to the profile, and it's full of hunky guys getting massaged, some with their butts out, or mostly out. I mean, Phil, that's just a regular massage thing. You're supposed to have your glutes lightly explode. Explode? You know where you're going. You're supposed to show a little bit of upper butt cheek so they can get a rub.

That's normal. Most butt cheek. Okay. The guy was in a wrestling singlet stood over them and putting

his hands right onto the ass cheeks. He's just got a flexible outfit in order to give people

maximum reach. Anyway, I read the DM and it said, hey, do you want a massage? Little side eyes emoji. That was one thing. I was like, ooh. Then, if you'd like one, I'll record it and then I'll put it on my Instagram. You can have it for free. Now, I immediately got a bit of a yellow to red flag from this one. Solid orange alert, I'd say.

Was that a jealousy alert or were you just worried about me?

No, I'm just worried that you're going to get murdered,

which is something that you should always think about on the internet.

Sure.

Well, I was thinking, hey, this guy thinks I'm as hunky as the rest of the guys.

...