Hello, hello everyone. I'm Lexi Lombard, your host of the At Lexi podcast and yesterday was the year anniversary of my mom's death. And for those of you who have been following since then, for those of you who have been following longer. My mom was... Oh, I don't even know how to do this. I don't even know how to do this. I don't even know how to do this. Okay, let me start over. After my mom passed I also like using the

term crossed. She just crossed to the other side which I'll get to. I recorded a podcast episode the day of I recorded one a week after a month after and I knew I

I wanted to record one a year after and here we are.

It's interesting and what I expected to feel on this day is not what I felt whatsoever.

There was also roadblocks and obstacles

that interfered with any sort of grieving

that I prepared for.

I was preparing my body and my brain for anxiety for panic for sadness for grief for depression for anger you know I was I was ready for all of that and as some of you know if you've been listening recently I've spent the past five

weeks in Los Angeles loving it and on my very last day, I was packing up, doing laundry, making the bed, reheating some leftovers.

I ate them and I went over to my friend Alex's house and I tell her I feel really nauseous right now which is expected I'm not too surprised by that

anxiety takes physical form sometimes and that is what it is.

I said can we go on a walk even though it's like drizzling a little bit

and she's like girl let's just grab our glasses of wine and get out there. I don't care.

Do you want to use my sweats? Put on my clothes so you don't get your own clothes wet.

I mean, she's literally a rip the shirt off her back kind of girl. We grab our glasses of wine and we start walking and we're walking on Sama Sante and Brentwood which is like a nice street. You know there's a Whole Foods there's John and Vinny's, there's Joe, the juice and an Alfred's, you know.

And I'm telling her, God, my like nausea is not quitting, it's only getting worse.

It's amazing how the body keeps score. I'm going to throw up on

San Vicente. This is not okay. So convinced this is anxiety. I'm so

convinced that I'm on the verge of having a panic attack. So we walk back to hers, which by the way, I'm not going to forget a walk in the pouring down rain with a wine glass of my hands. That is a really fun activity. It's a strange specific

activity I can imagine a lot of people not wanting to partake in that, but with the

right amount of apathy, yeah, that activity hits. So very glad about that. No regrets. Anyway, we make it back to her house. Oh my God. I trigger warning if any sort of bodily functions freak you out just skip ahead

maybe a minute for good measure my body starts having what I can only

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